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Can't Handle This

Chapter 31

Another day passed without anything publically interesting. Yes, Toni and Loki had kissed, but she was having a hard time believing that it had really happened. Had she just imagined it? It seemed likely enough.

“Toni?” Pamplemousse called into her bedroom as the sunlight poured through the cracks in the blinds. “Clint made pancakes. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to save some for you.”

Toni nodded and sat up in bed, letting her tangled brunette hair fall in her face and around her shoulders.

Pamplemousse backed out of the bedroom and walked down the hall to Brooke’s room, where another bouquet of flowers sat. The ten year old knocked on the door and it swung open.

“Hey, Pamplemousse.”

“It’s breakfast time, Brooke Brooke, and someone left flowers outside your door again.”

Brooke looked down at the floor and sure enough, there was a bouquet of daisies. “Damn, they just won’t give up, will they?”

“Can I-”

Brooke shoved the flowers into her arms and closed the door as the youngling squealed with joy.

Toni walked out of her bedroom, looking a little more presentable than before, and nearly bumped into Hetalia. “Oh, good morning, Hetalia.”

The Russian nodded. “Good morning. The young one woke me up for pancakes.”

“They’re delicious. You don’t want to miss them.” The two of them continued to walk until they finally reached the kitchen. “Oh, and by the way, her name is Pamplemousse.”

“Pamplemousse? Isn’t that French for grapefruit?”


Loki and Toni kept glancing at each other and making quick, awkward eye-contact. It wasn’t that they were embarrassed about what happened, they just didn’t know what it meant.

Tony and Steve did the same, only their eye-contact was almost intentional and was perceived by the rest as adorable.

“Hey, Schaef!” Clint called from the stove. “Whatcha looking at?”

“My phone, Agent Barton,” he replied almost snidely.

“I meant what are you looking at on your phone?”

Schaefer cleared his throat and put his phone back in his pocket. “Nothing at all.”


The day carried on with nothing exciting in particular. Schaefer was the only one still awaked and wandering the Tower, and for good reason; he was on a mission. Not a mission for SHIELD, but for himself.

With a bouquet of roses, carnations, and daisies of nearly every color under the sun behind his back, he quietly crept to Brooke’s room with the intent of lying them in front of her door.

He knelt down, placed the flowers on the ground and was surprised by the sudden opening of the door.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Schaefer stared up at Brooke. “I…uh….I was….”

You’re the one that’s been leaving flowers outside my door? Why? Why would you do that? Is it some kind of joke?”

Schaefer gulped, attempting to stand up on shaky legs. “No, no…I…I just…”

“Come on! You think the whole stammering thing is going to impress me? Speak up and tell me what the hell is going on.”

He couldn’t find the words to say. How was he supposed to say how he felt without speaking?

Instead of trying to figure it out, Schaefer just leaned forward and kissed Brooke square on the lips.


Toni sat down in the lab with her dad, working on the new Iron Man suit.

“How close are you coming to being done with it?”

“It pretty much is done. I just need to put a couple of extra paint jobs and it’ll be good!”

Tony beamed at his daughter, proud beyond belief. “You know what? You’re the best daughter a father could ask for.”

Toni blushed and wiped some machine grease off her face. “You mean it?”

“Of course I do! Don’t be silly.”

She smiled and picked up a wrench. “I got all the good genes, I suppose. I mean, my mom’s kind of a deadbeat, but at least you’re good for something.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

It was too late. She realized after the fact that she had said something that she wasn’t supposed to. She opened her mouth to deflect the question only to feel slightly queasy. “Is…is it dizzy in here?” she asked, seeming disoriented. “Or is it just me?”

Tony stepped forward to aide her, only to feel dizzy himself. “Nah, it’s me…too,” he slurred. “I think it’s….”

He never got to theorize. They both ended up on the floor, unconscious.


Tony shook himself awake. He wasn’t in the Tower. In fact, he was bound to something metal in a cold, rusty warehouse.

He looked over and saw the rest of his team starting to wake. Thor, as he awoke, tried to break through his bonds only to be interrupted by a snide voice from the darkness.

“Excuse me, sir. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Show yourself, fiend!” Thor shouted into the blackness. “Reveal your face!”

From the shadows, a young man emerged. He was in his 20’s with sandy blonde hair, prominent cheek bones, and bright calculating eyes. His hair was kind of shaggy, but that was almost to be expected.

“Ta-da!” he said with a wide grin and a flourish of his hands, as if he was some kind of showgirl. “Here I am!”

“Who are you?” Steve commanded. “Why did you bring us here?”

He rolled his eyes and let his hands drop back down to his side, sighing as he did so. “Come on! Don’t you guys know how to let the bad guy reveal his plan to you? Give me a break!”

Tony tried to lean forward. “I’m just curious as to how you broke through JARVIS’s security protocols.”

The man smiled again, almost in a mocking way. “Didn’t you notice that JARVIS was a little too quiet? Maybe that he was interjecting as much has he used to?” he raised his hand, as if in class. “That was me. I take full responsibility.”

“You hacked JARVIS?” Tony asked in disbelief. “How is that even possible?”

He rolled his eyes. “You’d know if you’d let me finish!” he shouted, his voice reverberating off the warehouse walls. He paused, cleared his throat and clasped his hands together as if he was in a business meeting. “I’d like to have my evil mastermind monologue, if that’s alright with you.”

The whole team just sat there in their respective restraints and waited for their ‘evil mastermind’ to commence his speech.

“I’m honestly surprised that you guys are surprised!” he exclaimed happily. “I mean, with my sister-of-sorts fucking things up, I expected you guys to know everything there was to know about, well, all of us,” he paused and looked back at the team, staring from face to face. “You do realize that there’s more than just the two of us, right?”

Clint shook his head. “I didn’t even realize there was more than one of you,” he admitted.

“Oh, don’t pull that crap with me, Pigeon,” he said with another eye roll. “You know that there’s another little worker bee roaming freely around Thailand with her hair flowing in the wind as she rides off into the sunset.”

Clint looked legitimately confused, but suddenly, a look of realization spread across his face.

“There ya go, sweetheart,” the blonde man cooed. “Isn’t it nice to be in the loop? In the Evil League of Conspirators? We meet every other Thursday from eight to five, beverages will be provided.”

“You are a very odd man,” Thor bellowed. “But we will not harm you if you let us go.”

“Oh shut up, Muscles. Nobody really cares.”

“How dare you speak to me with such a tone! I am Thor, the King of Asgard! God of Thunder! You will show me respe-”

“I said shut up!” he shouted, looking a little purple in the face. “Good lord, you people are so rude! Don’t you know that you’re not allowed to talk while others are talking?!” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Now, back to my plan. The whole idea was to separate you in the best way possible. And look! In wanders a teenage pipsqueak and her little buddies! How cute! Turns out, this little…annoyance was Tony Stark’s long-lost daughter. You can’t imagine the amount of joy we felt when CJ found you.”

Toni’s face fell, revealing the uttermost fear.

“Oh,” the villain continued. “You didn’t know? We knew about you since you popped out of your mom. The Goblin was very keen to know about you and everything you were doing, so he sent one of his honorary children out to befriend you. CJ was, unfortunately, like a sister to me. I couldn’t stand her as a child, and even less so as we got older, but Goby respected her to a point that I could never understand.

“She was good at what she did, don’t get me wrong, but as of late, I couldn’t trust her anymore. That’s why she’s mysteriously disappeared.” He looked at all the shocked faces of the team, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “What, didn’t any of you notice her absence?!” he let his hands fall and a smile creep onto his face. “Of course not,” he muttered as he closed the distance between him and Toni. “You were too busy making friends with your little Frosty God. And you, Tony Stark, were too busy screwing your captain. The only person to notice the CJ-sized hole in the group was our little Pigeon, who helped her get the hell out of dodge!”

“Shut up!” Clint shouted.

“Don’t tell me what to do! All I’ve heard my entire life was ‘Kanen do this! Kanen do that!’ I’m fucking sick of it!”

“What the hell do you want from us anyway?” Brooke asked from across the room. “We’re fucking civilians.”

“Wrong,” Kanen said smoothly. “Since you walked into that tower and became a part of their lives, you became part of this game. What I want from this whole experience,” he said with another smile creeping on his face. “Is your total surrender. Is that too much to ask?”

“Frankly, yes,” Schaefer said, sounding mildly terrified. “Ve are ze Avengers. You can’t expect us to just lay down und die.”

“Vell, actually,” Kanen mocked. “Yes. I do,” he cleared his voice and resumed his normal accent. “Either die, or hang up your things. Tony has to hang up the suit. Cap, his shield. Clint, the arrows. Hetalia…well, I suppose you’d have to get a whole new life, wouldn’t you? And lovely Thor, you’d have to put the hammer down.”

“It’s really not that simple,” Bruce said. “We’re national icons. We’re heroes. We also have rules to follow and codes of conduct.”

“You act like I give a flying fuck. You happen to have a SHIELD agent right here in charge of you. One little report and the Avengers dissolve. No stress, no mess. Clean cut done.”

“And if we say no?”

“Then, my good doctor,” Kanen said as he walked towards Bruce. “I’d take away everything you love, starting with little Pamplemousse Banner.”

Pamplemousse whimpered as Kanen placed his hand lightly on the firearm at his side.

“You wouldn’t!”

“Try me, Banner!” he shouted. “Try to Hulk out, I dare you! She’ll be dead faster than you can say ‘Hulk, Smash!’”

Bruce sank back, trying to control his anger.

“Now, you know my plan. Dissolve, or everything and everyone you love will perish. Simple and easy enough.”

“You’re a monster!” Toni shouted.

“Am I? I think you know what a real monster is, don’t you Antoinette?” he leaned in close to her so she could smell his overly minty breath. “You’re in love with one, aren’t you?”

They both looked over and saw Loki with a muzzle over his mouth to prevent him from saying any magic spells.

“Not to mention Daddy. Oh, he was terrible, wasn’t he? But only your Frost God knows about him.” Kanen backed up and addressed everyone in the room. “I want you guys to be a big happy family! I want you guys to be able to settle down, get married, and spread the love! But I think you guys need to have a serious chat about sex and becoming normal average citizens, in that order. There’s a lot of things you don’t yet know.”

Kanen reached behind him and a big guy wearing a gas mask walked over and placed one in his hand. He strapped on the mask, smiling. “Happy trails. And remember, everything and everyone you love.”

Gas filled the room, choking everyone and causing them all to slip into darkness.


Chapter 28 is sad because Cj says "Let's just say I've got red in my ledger and I physically cannot wipe it out.". That's sad because Natasha says that in Avengers.

Natasha Barton Natasha Barton

I am going to cry. Natasha is my favorite Avenger and SHIELD agent. I've always looked up to her character. I almost cried during chapter 25 and got some weird looks from my family. Well they don't understand so if they have a problem then they can suck it.

Natasha Barton Natasha Barton

MAJOR SPOILERS! Unless you finished chapter 24

OH MY GOD!!!!!!! NATASHA"S DEAD!!!!!!!! AND SHE HAS A SISTER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Natasha Barton Natasha Barton

CLINT SAID HAWKWARD!!!!!!!!! THAT"S AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! BEST PUN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Natasha Barton Natasha Barton

Are you planning on continuing in a sequel?

Anonyme_Amour Anonyme_Amour