Right Behind My Eyes

Clint could feel his wrists were tied down, leather straps. He could feel the roughness of it against his skin, the whole room was cold and biting at his skin. Then he realised he was naked, lying on a metal table, strapped down and he couldn’t even remember how it happened. He was on top of a rooftop - his usual perch - and then it went black. He tried to remember who the target was. They were near Korea, he was watching Natasha through his scope as she went for the mark to get him out in the open. He listened in his ear for Coulson’s command but it never came when he wanted it too. He was left waiting when he had seen so many opportunities to kill him. Then it was just darkness for him suddenly.

His heartbeat was steady, he was ready for this. He knew he could handle anything now, he had been doing this for almost five years now. Coulson had even joked about them having a dinner to celebrate, well he presumed it was a joke. He could never tell at the best of times with Coulson. Clint wouldn’t admit that the idea of going on a dinner date with him made him feel special, more than Coulson could usually. More than when the man referred him as his team member and only his.

Clint hated being left here, he was left to think and that meant thinking of Coulson. All their times together over the years, the way the man treated him and put up with him. The way he brought him in from the world and everything he had ever gotten away with. Clint had never trusted someone so much since he met Natasha. He wasn’t one to let his life balance on another’s shoulders, but with Coulson, he knew the man would do anything to protect him and Clint had started to fall for that. He watched him fill in his paper work when he could, he knew the man didn’t mind his eyes watching. He most often tried to buy Coulson his favourite doughnuts when the man was upset or stressed out. He always made sure there was fresh coffee in the pot just before his lunch break. Clint did whatever he could to give him little perks of happiness in a stressful world. He hoped he did anyway.

A relationship just couldn’t happen. It would ruin everything they had now. They needed this form of trust and not to worry about who was topping who on the weekend. Clint just knew a real relationship would mess everything up. Their judgements on the field would be ruined, they wouldn’t be allowed to work with each other probably. He would expect that. Right now, anyway, Clint was happy just to be this dominant in Coulson’s life. But that was also the problem. He knew Coulson, sir, Agent. Not Phil. Part of him was scared to see that side of him. Outside of SHIELD, he was pretty sure he didn’t even know his favourite colour. There was a reason he didn’t know Phil after all.

Clint stared up at the neutral grey tones of the ceiling, he heard the click of the door open and simply exhaled a deep breath from his lungs.

“You took your time.”

He commented dryly, not looking towards where he could hear the footsteps. Four of them. Three moving around him, one stayed at the door.

“You don’t seem to mind waiting for a target though, Agent Barton.”

“That’s a bit different you know. I’m not strapped down - why am I even naked?”

“We don’t want to rush ahead now, do we? Shall we begin?”

*

Constantly he was asked: “who are you working for?”. His reply was always sarcastic, something he knew would piss them off. He was prepared for anything right now, being burnt, electrocuted, water boarding but nothing happened. They didn’t even touch him so far but yet he had no idea of time passing around him. He just knew they kept repeating their questions.

Finally something changed. He heard shuffling around him, one of the men leaned over him. He stared back as the man just stared at his face, he felt like the man was trying to pinpoint every one of his pores, every spot on his face. He flinched as fingers moved onto his eyelids and his eyes were held open. More hands touched his body holding him down. Finally his heartbeat changed, he could feel panic raise in his chest, his body. No one had ever gone for his eyes before. He’d had his hands broken multiply times, his arms, his legs. Never his eyes.

“You’ve killed a lot of my men. Not just mine. So many and no one has stopped you yet. We’re going to put an end to that for now Hawkeye.”

The grip on his eyelids feel like something else is holding them open. His eye is already started to grow sore, tears started to form. He needed to blink, he needed to get away from this. He’d rather just be left outside naked, tied up than to have this. Someone take away the one thing he relied on most. He needed Coulson now, to bang down the door and stop this. He needed them to find him now.

He felt sick as a droplet hit his eye. His eyelids were released and he immediately clamped his eyes shut. He tried to cry out the substance, but he could feel his eye sting, the pain only growing, tears down his cheeks. Now his other eye was being worked open, rough fingers digging into his skin, eventually he lost.

A droplet to his other eye and he was left on the table again. His eyes clamped shut, tears down his cheeks trying to get rid of the substance. He guessed it would have at least absorbed as soon as it hit his lens. Good for them, bad for him. He couldn’t go blind, it was one of his worst fears. Not being able to shoot anymore was his main worry. He couldn’t shoot, he wouldn’t see the target, never. He would need a new lifestyle, he would need to leave SHIELD, what good could he be to them? A blind sniper. Coulson wouldn’t need him anymore.

He felt a scratch to his arm, his body relaxed and he wondered if he would be able to tell his eyes were open other than by feeling the movement of his lids. How the hell could he carry on without his sight?

*

He could tell he wasn’t against the table anymore, he couldn’t feel the leather straps on his wrists. He was on a bed, the covers around his chest and he could feel the tube leading into his hand. He turned his head feeling the rough cotton of the pillow and knew immediately where he was. Coulson and the team had found him. He took a deep breath of the horrid hospital smell that he hated so much. Right now however, it was comforting for once. Just knowing he was home at least. He was safe now.

Clint moved his body, stretching his chest before finally he made the move to open his eyes. He could feel the bile move in his stomach at the realisation there was nothing different to his sight other than the fact he knew he had opened his eyes. His breaths became shorter and shorter and he reached out grabbing the bed sheets.

“Barton?”

Clint’s heart jumped in his chest hearing Phil’s voice. He was here with him waiting for him to wake up. It wasn’t the first time, it was one of many that should never have happened. This was different, completely. He didn’t just have a broken bone or two, a head injury or something that required therapy. His sight was gone now. He was blind and had no idea if anything could be done now.

“Sir, I can’t see you.”

He hated the desperation in his voice. He opened his eyes again to see nothing. He turned his head the other way, his heart thumping in his chest again when he realised he was facing the window. He could see the light through the window, at least that was something for now he could work with.

“I can see the light through the window...”

“They said it seems they placed something on top of your lens, they tried a operation while you were out. They couldn’t do nothing without the risk of ruining your eyesight for good and more tests need to be done to see what they have actually done. They reckon it might fade away, seeing the light is a good sign. It’s best to treat this like a permanent condition however I’ve already talked to Fury about this.”

“I can’t shoot anymore, what the hell can I do?”

“I’m going to look after you. Help you get used to this.”

Clint opened his eyes wide turning back towards Coulson’s voice. He was going to look after him? He wasn’t sure what annoyed him most, that Coulson was going to give up his time to look after a blind man or that Clint felt so useless now. Even if he got used to this condition, what could he do? He couldn’t work for SHIELD anymore, what use was he? His hands still gripped the bed sheet tightly in his fists, he couldn’t relax now.

“You can’t do that Sir.” No, Clint didn’t want the help. Not from Coulson anyway.

“Barton, you need to get used to a new way of life. I know what you are like, you won’t let someone you can’t trust help you get used to this way of life. Let again someone you can’t see now. I want to help you, I want to make sure you are okay to live in this world Clint.”

Clint sighed, more at hearing Coulson change from using his surname to his first name. Coulson, Phil wanted to help him. Take him home and get him used to this new condition. Blindness.

“So there is nothing they can do?”

“Not till further tests. They are trying to work out what on earth they did to your eyes to begin with before moving onto solutions. We have no-”

“Idea how long it’ll take, I get it. That’s why you want to get me used to this.”

“It’s not going to be as hard as you think, it’s not like you’ve never seen the world before.”

“Thanks.” Clint said dryly leaning back into the pillow. He sighed shaking his head trying to imagine his life like this. Seeing shadows and bright light for the rest of his life. But not ever seeing Coulson or Natasha’s face again, not his own body or being able to work. “Can I go home now?”