Don't Hold Your Breath

Thor knelt next to me as I lay gasping for air. The knife in my chest, and heart, glinted evilly in the dim light of Stark Tower.
"Loki, brother, do not leave me..."
I grabbed his hand, choking on my own blood.
"T-Tell Father I l-love him... I'll look a-after Mother until he arrives..."
"Loki, no... HEIMDALL!"

~~~~~~~~~~~

I opened my eyes. There was no knife in my chest and Thor was not by my side. I sat up and frowned at the figure watching me.
"M-Mother? A-Am I- Have I passed on?"
She shook her head.
"Not yet... Follow me... We have much to see."
I scrambled up and grabbed my Mother's hand as if I were a child again. We walked down the street which turned into a hallway of the Palace of Asgard. I looked back to see the Palace and shook my head. Twenty years of studying magic and I still did not understand it.

Mother opened a door and gestured for me to walk in. I did so slowly, cautiously. I spotted a small child, no more than four-years-old at the most, sitting on the window sill. He kicked his legs out and I felt a small smile decorate my face. He reminded me of myself. A noise came from the door and the boy jumped down. My mouth dropped open. He was me. He ran through me and dived under the covers just as the door opened. My breath caught as I watched my Mother enter the room. Her eyes saw the open drapes and she sat gently on the bed.

"Loki... Are you watching your brother again? You're meant to be asleep."

My four-year-old self stuck his head out of the blankets.

"I want to play with him Mother! Why can he still be awake, playing in the gardens?"

"You are much more fragile than Thor is. You need more rest."

He pouted.

"But Mother-"

The image before me faded and I stared at my empty bed chambers. My Mother lay her hand on my shoulder.

"This way..."

~~~~~~~~~~~

I walked into the dining hall. I saw my five-year-old self being lead to my chambers by my Father. Thor left his friends and stood, following. I walked after them myself, cringing at a familiar noise.

"No, Father. I want Thor."

I stood in the open doorway and watched Father struggle to get me into my sleeping clothes. Thor walked in dressed in his own.

"My dear brother, how about a sleepover?"

My fiver-year-old self broke into a smile and dressed himself. The image of Thor climbing into my bed faded. I turned to my Mother who gestured to the window. I walked over and heard a familiar argument.

"I refuse. I will not go to Midgard unless Thor comes."

My nine-year-old self stamped his foot, nearing hysterics. Thor rushed over and held me tightly.

"Calm my dear brother. I'll come and meet you on Midgard. I promise."

My tears were wiped from my face by my dear elder brother and, as a nine year old, I willingly followed Father to the Byfrost.

~~~~~~~~~~~

As the image faded, I turned to my Mother.

"Why are you showing me all this?"

"You are being given a choice. This must be seen."

She led me outside through the ghosts of me memories. I saw myself climbing a tree whilst Thor and my parents watched from a way off. If memory served, I was eleven.

"Be careful, Loki!"

My brother's voice drifted on the wind and the ghost of me nodded before clambering higher in the tree. Fear took my face as the branch cracked. My hands lost their grip and I screamed as I plummeted. In the corner of my eye, I saw Thor dash towards the tree. My eleven-year-old self threw his hands towards the ground, a barrier appearing. It had a gentle slope, ensuring my safe return to the ground. Thor was staring in amazement.

"Loki... Brother... How did you do that?"

"I do not know..."

Thor and Loki returned to their parents' sides as Loki tried again and again to get magic to fly from his fingertips.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I yelled in agony and grabbed my chest.

"Mother... What's happening?"

"Thor has convinced your Father that you are worth saving. The healers are working to save your pitiful life."

The words from my Mother's mouth hurt more than the dagger entering my heart. She began to walk again and I followed, blinking back my tears. Mother lead me into Thor's room where he sat, sixteen, watching me, twelve, practicing magic. Thor looked bored out of his mind yet his face lit up, he clapped and offered encouraging words whenever I looked to him for support. It sunk in. No matter what Thor had been there for me.

"He really considers me a brother..."

Mother nodded and, once again, the image faded into an empty bed chamber. Laughs drifted up from the lit up window. I walked over and flinched. It had taken Thor two weeks exactly to make friends and throw me to the side lines. I scanned the tree line and sure enough, there I was, anger plastered over my face, attempting to throw magic at the group and failing. They were sat in a circle on the palace lawn. A jet of magic sparked from my hands, disappearing into the air. A spark floated down and grazed Lady Sif's leg. My magic was much too weak to do any real damage, Thor knew that, but she cupped her leg and burst into tears. Thor roared at me to leave his sight and I blinked back tears before scrambling down the tree and running to the Byfrost to talk to Heimdall.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I wiped my tears. My brother had betrayed me for Lady Sif.

"Why must you show me all this?"

"They will only get worse... Please..."

Mother gestured and I followed. My fourteen-year-old self sat reading a Midgardian novel in the library. Thor and Lady Sif were a few seats down, kissing, laughing and being merry. The jealously in my eyes was unmistakable. Lady Sif spotted it and at once she began to be more... Inviting towards my brother. I simply stood, walking out and slamming the doors behind me. Books flew from the shelves as my sobs faded.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at the spot where my brother had been sat. Had he known why I flew from the room in such a rage? I saw Mother walking and followed.

"If he considered me a brother... Why?"

"He was finding himself."

My door opened and I stared at a Jotun, panicking. It receded when I recognized my seventeen-year-old self. He stood and climbed out the window, rushing to the mountains. He was headed for the Dark World. The realm appeared in front of my eyes. I'd spent the best part of a year here until-

"Please do not show me this... I do not wish to see it."

No matter what I said, the memory would not fade. I watched myself walk around the world, exploring. Hands gripped my slim body. The Dark Elf stood over me, pulling at my clothes. I turned my head as the screamed echoed out, the voice full of pain. Thor's bedroom appeared in front of my eyes. I was clutching his shirt, sobbing to him about the Elf. His face was pure anger as he held me tight, my body shaking with sobs.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother rubbed my back. I simply pushed her away.

"What now?"

Thor's chambers relit and I looked around. His 21st birthday. I'd come to see him after the party had ended.

"Thor? Brother? Are you resting?"

"Far from it Loki... Come on in."

As I walked in, the door shut, the lights flickered off and a fire jumped up in the grate. Thor grinned up at me and patted the bed next to him. I slipped under the covers with him. The sheets were strangely cold. I spoke through gritted teeth.

"Where is Lady Sif?"

Thor grunted, his tone as cold as the bitter winds of Jotunheim.

"She made off with some servant boy."

I wrapped an arm delicately over my brother. He held me close.

"I am sorry I chose Sif over you, Loki."

"It is fine, Thor. It happens."

We lay in silence, Thor's hand rubbing my spine. He was contemplating something to say but eventually gave up. Moments passed and Thor lay on his side, watching me. My green eyes flickered open and stared into his. Thor hesitated before kissing me. My lips meshed against his, our hands exploring each other's bodies, clothes falling to the floor.

I awoke in my chambers. The transition threw me off before I focused on myself. I dressed and headed for Thor's chambers. I peeked around the door to find him in bed with Lady Sif. I did not need to look at my ghost to feel my heart break again.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"WHY MUST YOU SHOW ME THIS?"

I screeched, hysterical.

"WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH MY DEATH?"

My mother refused to speak (refused to answer or could not?) and Thor's chambers became my own. I was destroying my mirror, blood pouring down my hands. Clothes were thrown in a bag. Father hammered on my door.

"Loki, open this door."

Someone rattled the door knob before screaming in agony as it burned white hot. I picked up the bag and my door flew open as I approached it. I walked through my family.

"Loki, son-"

"You are not my Father."

"Loki, he is out Father-"

"HE IS YOUR FATHER!"

My skin turned pale blue, my eyes ruby red and I turned to look Thor directly in the eyes.

"What am I to you now... Brother?"

I spat the word out before turning on my heels and walking out. I paused at the door.

"You should have left me on the rock you found me on, Odin. I was left for dead and you should have left me to. You are not my Mother, my Father, my Brother... You are nothing to me."

~~~~~~~~~~~

I turned to my Mother.

"I meant none of it... I was angry and-"

She put her finger to my lips. I saw we were on Midgard. The Avengers were fighting my army. I could see myself fighting Hawkeye and Black Widow. A hammer went through me and I turned to see my brother, covered in blood, defending that twerp, Captain America. He was screaming down his mouth piece to the mortals.

"DO NOT HURT MY BROTHER."

I felt my breath catch in my throat. Even after everything I'd done... Threatened his beloved realm, caused the death of our Mother... I was still his brother.

"Would you like to see him now?"

I nodded, speechless. I was in a hallway of the Palace. Father had hold of Thor, who was screaming, tears streaming down his face. The wall dissolved and my Mother place a hand on my shoulder. I watched myself; pale and almost lifeles.

"You have three choices... The first, you may return to your brother and change your ways. The second, continue to live the life you have made for yourself.. You will die painfully. The third, leave now and rest peacefully."

She began to walk off and I started to follow her. I stopped in my tracks at a yell.

"We're losing him!"

My brother's anguished scream filled my ears. I turned on my heels and threw my arms around Thor. My vision faded to black.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt myself swaying, could hear crying. I flicked my eyes open to find myself in a boat. A servant stood near to me, back facing me.

"You... Servant... What is happening?"

She looked at me and screamed. I could hear rushing footsteps and was pushed back by a sudden force.

"Loki... You are alive..."

"He must have fallen into Odinsleep... You are a lucky man, my son."

I clutched at my brother and sobbed.

"I'm so sorry... So sorry..."

~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat on my throne, legs thrown over the side as I watched people scurrying about outside. It had been ten years since my return. I ran a hand through my hair. Asgard was under my rule at last.

"So you chose this life."

I turned to watch my Mother walk across the room.

"It is now time to fulfill your destiny."

I rose from my throne and set my staff down, walking across the throne room and through the hallways into his bed chambers. The open curtains drew my attention. I sat on the bed.

"Sleipnir... Are you watching your brother again? You're meant to be asleep."

My four-year-old son popped his head out of the duvet.

"I want to play with him, Mother."

Wordlessly, I scooped him into my arms, walking outside. I placed his feet to the ground and watched him run towards his Father. Vile, our eldest, ran to me, throwing his arms around my legs before running off to play with Sleipnir. I made eye contact with my husband and then his lips met mine. I settled in his lap whilst I watched our children play.

"Loki..."

I smiled and leant against him. I turned to see Sleipnir fall. As I went to get up, my husband gripped my waist. Vile helped him up and then they began to run around hand-in-hand.

"They are so much like we were, my King."

He nodded.

"They definitely are, brother."

Thor kissed me gently and I lay against him. My family was perfect, dysfunctional, but perfect.

Notes

Notes

- In this, Heimdall was Loki's friend, trusted by the young Prince.

- Lady Sif knew that Thor was Loki's only friend and attempted to drive them apart.