Only Fools Love Monsters
Only Fools Love Monsters
"Brother, we do not wish to play your games nor any games with you."
"But, Thor, please, please play with me, Thor!"
"Very well, spar with us. If you still wish to play your cumbersome games after then, we will."
Loki, in all his naïve joy, neglected to notice the whispers of Thor's companions and the smirks they exchanged with his brother, so he ran excitedly to the group on his too small legs with his too small build and too big heart.
It almost pained Thor to watch the joy on the child's face, knowing it would soon disappear behind sniffling tears, and that the small boy had fallen for this ploy again, just like every other time.
It almost pained Thor enough to call the 'game' off, but the humor he found in the trick far outweighed the guilt.
Even when they began to spar, Thor watched with amusement as Loki tried over and over to stand his ground against Thor and his large comrades.
A chuckle still found its way to his lips when the boy was reduced to a sobbing mass, eyes black, lip split, body bruised, and only when Frigga and Odin intervened did Thor begin to feel remorse.
When Frigga scooped up her shaking boy and Odin struck Thor across the face, Thor felt the sick churn of guilt in his stomach, but mostly because he'd been caught again and because for those few minutes he knew he was not the favorite.
Loki would not speak to him for several days after that, sometimes a week depending on how long Thor had drawn out the farce. Thor did not know why he found amusement in his baby brother's humiliation and pain, but he did.
He did not know why then, when the tiny figure appeared like a ghost at the foot of his bed with tears in his eyes and shoulders shaking from nightmares, he was so willing and so happy to protect the child. He enjoyed the feeling of being wanted that only Loki could give him and he missed it when Loki was angry with him and avoided him like the monster he was.
But still, every time that little voice called out his name from across the court yard, every time he would say the same thing 'spare with us, then we shall play'.
Truth be told, he knew not what Loki wished to play for he had never given him the chance to show him. So time and time again Thor would instigate that sickening amusement in his stomach as his fists met the tiny jaw and cracks and snaps were echoing in his ears.
"What is the matter with you?" Frigga would ask as she clutched the sobbing child to her chest, "He is your baby brother! Why can you not love him as he loves you?" and Thor would pretend the words would not sting as his mother, HIS mother, walked away from him with the bleeding Loki in her arms.
"Why do you continue this act, my son? What honor is there in humiliating those weaker than you?" then the sting as the palm of Odin's hand met the side of Thor's face and the grunt that escaped his lungs as his knees hit the hard ground, "No son of mine disgraces the one's he is meant to protect. He is your younger brother, Thor, and he is yours to protect. The next time I find you out here doing this again; perhaps it shall be Loki who succeeds you on the throne."
Thor would pretend the words were not daggers in his heart as Odin shook his head and turned away.
He pretended that it did not hurt him to turn his head and see that his friends had long since run and hid.
Yet, no matter the sting, no matter the pain, Thor continued this game of cat-and-mouse over and over again, and every time, he got better at it, every time it became harder and harder for Frigga and Odin to catch him in the act, and in turn, fewer and fewer times did Loki's small voice cry out to him from across the court yard.
Less and less Loki's tiny shadow appeared at the foot of his bed seeking his warmth and protection from the monsters his mind had conjured.
Thor tried to justify it, tried to tell himself that it was simply because Loki was getting older.
It was natural for a boy to grow up and no longer long for the company of his elder brother, right?
But Thor could not convince himself that this was the case.
He could not stoop so low as to justify his actions with such a petty excuse, because he saw the way Loki's small frame flinched if he approached too quickly and how he made a point of taking the long way across the yard so to avoid encountering Thor and his friends.
Even once Loki grew to a slightly impressive height and became a rather skilled fighter and Thor was the one who called his name from across the yard, Loki only quickened his pace and kept his head ducked low in some desperate attempt to disappear completely.
Deep within Thor's heart, he knew it was undeniable he was the source of his brother's pain.
He had driven him away, he was the reason the scrawny boy found it so hard to trust, and the day Thor realized this, no matter how hard he tried to win back Loki's affections and reached out to him, he knew that he had pushed his brother too far.
Loki, it seemed, would be forever out of his reach no matter how far he stretched.
"Brother, I do not understand you," A voice, smooth as silk broke Thor from his thoughts, "I understand that it is unfortunate that the bearded wizard fell off the cliff, but it hardly calls for tears, and besides, I looked at the other moving picture encasings and I do believe he returns from the realm of the dead. Perhaps Hel revived him, would that not be amusing, brother?" Loki chuckled, eyes gleaming as they tore from the screen to look into Thor's flooding blue orbs, "Brother?"
"I am so sorry, brother," Thor sniffed with his vision blurry and nose beginning to run, "I am so very sorry."
"Whatever do you mean, Thor?" Loki asked, eyeing his elder brother questioningly, "You have done nothing wrong," Loki smiled at him and gave him a comforting pat on the back. He was having a heard enough time hiding his magic from the golden god, hoping to keep it a surprise for later that day, without Thor breaking down beside him.
"Oh, no, my brother," Thor sobbed, "I have done so much wrong, so much," Loki paused the movie with the small black box as Tony had instructed him.
"Thor, you will have to explain to me further if I am to be of any help," Loki said, a concerned frown on his lips.
"Why would you wish to help me?" Thor trembled, large hands covering leaking eyes, "I have done you so much wrong. All I did to you when we were children, all the pain I inflicted, how much I hurt you."
"Thor, we have addressed this, remember?" Loki sighed, his hand on his brother's shoulder, "All is forgiven."
"I do not deserve forgiveness," Thor said through barred teeth, "I was a monster, a monster deserving of death."
"I am the only monster, brother, only me," Loki sighed, "Look at all the pain I caused, brother. That was not your doing, it is not your fault, it is no one's fault but my own. Odin used to tell us stories before we slumbered, remember? Do you not remember the stories of fearsome frost giants slain by valiant warriors? There was no way you could've known. There was no way you could've helped."
"No brother, you are not the monster parents tell their children of at night, for you are the lullaby that puts me to sleep! There was no evil in you, Loki, not one bit, not until I bestowed it upon you. If it were not for my constant brutalizing of you, if I had only played your games, if I had simply sought you out all those times I hurt you so deeply," Thor cried, his breath labored and shoulders rattling.
"You still remember that?" Loki asked, his eyes now vacant, "I thought you had forgotten."
"Forgotten? Forgotten? Brother, how could I forget? How could I forget the near most unbearable pain of all my days? The nights I have been without sleep, tortured by the memories of my words luring you from your happiness for my own sick amusement, remembering the weeks of which you could not bear to look upon me.
You think I would forget the pain of watching you drift farther and farther away from me until the day I realized that, gone were the days when I would hear your small voice calling my name from across the courtyard and gone were the nights when you relied on only me to cast away the nightmares that plagued your dreams? You think that I could forget? You think I could so easily forget the feeling of losing the one person I love and the one person who loves me because I, and only I, drove them away?" Thor was a sobbing mass on the couch beside the shocked form that was Loki.
Loki had no idea what to say, no idea how he could possibly help Thor or even if such words existed.
"I remember all that and yet, here, now, you sit beside me and look at me with as much love as you did when we were children. Tell me, please, Loki, tell me how you can bring yourself to look at me?"
"I do not understand," Loki sniffed as Frigga nursed his split lip, "why did you pull me from the spar once again? I was so close; I swear I was, I was close this time. Maybe, maybe if I had stayed, maybe I would have won, maybe then Thor would play with me."
The pain in her youngest son's voice was like acid in Frigga's heart as she was forced to watch the light in her son's eyes die more and more each time Thor played this gruesome game.
She knew any minute now, Odin would burst through the door, fuming and spitting, furious once more at Thor, because that is always what happened.
It was always the same, and it never got any better.
"Maybe if I had stayed," Loki whispered once more, "Maybe this time."
"Again! Again!" The voice of Odin boomed as the door crashed open, falling from its hinges and crashing to the floor, "Again he does this! I do not understand! He know! He knows what he does! He knows it is wrong!"
"Father, do not blame Thor," Loki whispered, and despite his volume, Odin's rant ceased instantly.
He had always been able to hear Loki's whispers no matter how heated he became.
"It is not his fault, nor has it ever been his fault. I am to blame, father, I am the one in the wrong. I should be stronger, father, it is my own weakness that defeats me. Only myself, only my weaknesses…" Loki repeated, his eyes brimming with tears he refused to shed before his father, "I have shamed you once more and I am sorry for that, I will win next time," Loki stood, holding back a whimper as is twisted ankle hit the hard surface, "Or perhaps, next time I will not be a fool and fall for his games."
It was a lie, a blatant, outright lie. Loki knew, Frigga knew, Odin knew, because no matter how many times Thor lured him in and beat him, there would always be that hope that 'maybe this time he means it'.
But Loki was wrong, Thor never meant it, so eventually, Loki stopped trusting him.
Along with not trusting him to keep his promises, he no longer trusted the golden boy for anything at all. He did not trust him to care for him, did not trust him to protect him, and did not trust him to love him.
So Loki shut down, no matter how much it hurt him, he knew that it would hurt far worse to allow Thor to continue to tear him apart. Thor had been the only person Loki had ever fully trusted, so when he ceased believing Thor, it seemed easier to simply not trust at all.
So Loki began lying, began tricking, and ensuing chaos at every turn, whether as a cry for attention or just something to fill the hole in his heart that Thor had left inside him, he did not know.
"Because, you did answer my call from across the yard, brother," Loki smiled weakly, stroking the tangle of blond hair, "the day you came and took me from that cell, that day, you returned my call from across the court yard," Loki got down before his golden brother and pulled his large hands from his face, "Look at me, brother, look at me at tell me if there is hate in my eyes."
Thor lifted his swollen eyes to look into the green orbs that he had stared into so many times in his life.
"There has never been hate in your eyes, brother, not once."
Tears swelled in Loki's eyes, which he forced back, out of habit, but the salty, warm tears broke free and burned his cheeks as Thor pulled him into a crushing embrace.
"Brother?"
"Loki, what is it? It is very late."
"Brother, I dreamt that Frost giants came and stole me away in the dead of night. Brother, I dreamt that no one came to rescue me, I dreamt that no one noticed I had been taken," Loki's tiny voice shook with tears hidden in the darkness as he stood at the foot of Thor's bed.
"Come here then, if you must," Thor sighed, motioning for the boy to come to his side.
Loki climbed over the foot of the bed and crawled across the coverings, until he had reached the headboard where he tugged on the edge of his green nightgown as he perched on his toes, waiting for permission to crawl under the warm blankets and clutching onto his stuffed horse so tightly he fear the head might pop off.
"Are you just going to sit there all night like an owl?" Thor asked, his voice groggy from sleep.
"No," Loki said as he scrambled under the covers, welcoming their warmth.
He stayed on the opposite side of the bed, unsure if Thor would allow him to breach his side and curl up next to his brother.
"Come on then," Thor sighed, grabbing his younger brother and pulling him close until he was curled against his chest.
"Thank you, brother," Loki whispered into the warm fabric of Thor's navy nightgown.
"I see you have, once again, forgiven me for the yard," Thor muttered, looking down at the small boy, begging for this to be true.
"I suppose I must, I cannot hate you forever, can I?" Loki said, hurt hidden poorly behind his voice, "Anyway, I am only here because I was frightened, nothing more."
The words stung Thor, as much as he hated to admit it, he wanted the love of his baby brother, wanted him to trust him and love him unconditionally.
"I love you, Loki," Thor whispered, but Loki was already asleep, thin fingers gripping onto the front Thor's nightgown as his breath grew deep and even, "I love you so much."
"But, Thor, please, please play with me, Thor!"
"Very well, spar with us. If you still wish to play your cumbersome games after then, we will."
Loki, in all his naïve joy, neglected to notice the whispers of Thor's companions and the smirks they exchanged with his brother, so he ran excitedly to the group on his too small legs with his too small build and too big heart.
It almost pained Thor to watch the joy on the child's face, knowing it would soon disappear behind sniffling tears, and that the small boy had fallen for this ploy again, just like every other time.
It almost pained Thor enough to call the 'game' off, but the humor he found in the trick far outweighed the guilt.
Even when they began to spar, Thor watched with amusement as Loki tried over and over to stand his ground against Thor and his large comrades.
A chuckle still found its way to his lips when the boy was reduced to a sobbing mass, eyes black, lip split, body bruised, and only when Frigga and Odin intervened did Thor begin to feel remorse.
When Frigga scooped up her shaking boy and Odin struck Thor across the face, Thor felt the sick churn of guilt in his stomach, but mostly because he'd been caught again and because for those few minutes he knew he was not the favorite.
Loki would not speak to him for several days after that, sometimes a week depending on how long Thor had drawn out the farce. Thor did not know why he found amusement in his baby brother's humiliation and pain, but he did.
He did not know why then, when the tiny figure appeared like a ghost at the foot of his bed with tears in his eyes and shoulders shaking from nightmares, he was so willing and so happy to protect the child. He enjoyed the feeling of being wanted that only Loki could give him and he missed it when Loki was angry with him and avoided him like the monster he was.
But still, every time that little voice called out his name from across the court yard, every time he would say the same thing 'spare with us, then we shall play'.
Truth be told, he knew not what Loki wished to play for he had never given him the chance to show him. So time and time again Thor would instigate that sickening amusement in his stomach as his fists met the tiny jaw and cracks and snaps were echoing in his ears.
"What is the matter with you?" Frigga would ask as she clutched the sobbing child to her chest, "He is your baby brother! Why can you not love him as he loves you?" and Thor would pretend the words would not sting as his mother, HIS mother, walked away from him with the bleeding Loki in her arms.
"Why do you continue this act, my son? What honor is there in humiliating those weaker than you?" then the sting as the palm of Odin's hand met the side of Thor's face and the grunt that escaped his lungs as his knees hit the hard ground, "No son of mine disgraces the one's he is meant to protect. He is your younger brother, Thor, and he is yours to protect. The next time I find you out here doing this again; perhaps it shall be Loki who succeeds you on the throne."
Thor would pretend the words were not daggers in his heart as Odin shook his head and turned away.
He pretended that it did not hurt him to turn his head and see that his friends had long since run and hid.
Yet, no matter the sting, no matter the pain, Thor continued this game of cat-and-mouse over and over again, and every time, he got better at it, every time it became harder and harder for Frigga and Odin to catch him in the act, and in turn, fewer and fewer times did Loki's small voice cry out to him from across the court yard.
Less and less Loki's tiny shadow appeared at the foot of his bed seeking his warmth and protection from the monsters his mind had conjured.
Thor tried to justify it, tried to tell himself that it was simply because Loki was getting older.
It was natural for a boy to grow up and no longer long for the company of his elder brother, right?
But Thor could not convince himself that this was the case.
He could not stoop so low as to justify his actions with such a petty excuse, because he saw the way Loki's small frame flinched if he approached too quickly and how he made a point of taking the long way across the yard so to avoid encountering Thor and his friends.
Even once Loki grew to a slightly impressive height and became a rather skilled fighter and Thor was the one who called his name from across the yard, Loki only quickened his pace and kept his head ducked low in some desperate attempt to disappear completely.
Deep within Thor's heart, he knew it was undeniable he was the source of his brother's pain.
He had driven him away, he was the reason the scrawny boy found it so hard to trust, and the day Thor realized this, no matter how hard he tried to win back Loki's affections and reached out to him, he knew that he had pushed his brother too far.
Loki, it seemed, would be forever out of his reach no matter how far he stretched.
"Brother, I do not understand you," A voice, smooth as silk broke Thor from his thoughts, "I understand that it is unfortunate that the bearded wizard fell off the cliff, but it hardly calls for tears, and besides, I looked at the other moving picture encasings and I do believe he returns from the realm of the dead. Perhaps Hel revived him, would that not be amusing, brother?" Loki chuckled, eyes gleaming as they tore from the screen to look into Thor's flooding blue orbs, "Brother?"
"I am so sorry, brother," Thor sniffed with his vision blurry and nose beginning to run, "I am so very sorry."
"Whatever do you mean, Thor?" Loki asked, eyeing his elder brother questioningly, "You have done nothing wrong," Loki smiled at him and gave him a comforting pat on the back. He was having a heard enough time hiding his magic from the golden god, hoping to keep it a surprise for later that day, without Thor breaking down beside him.
"Oh, no, my brother," Thor sobbed, "I have done so much wrong, so much," Loki paused the movie with the small black box as Tony had instructed him.
"Thor, you will have to explain to me further if I am to be of any help," Loki said, a concerned frown on his lips.
"Why would you wish to help me?" Thor trembled, large hands covering leaking eyes, "I have done you so much wrong. All I did to you when we were children, all the pain I inflicted, how much I hurt you."
"Thor, we have addressed this, remember?" Loki sighed, his hand on his brother's shoulder, "All is forgiven."
"I do not deserve forgiveness," Thor said through barred teeth, "I was a monster, a monster deserving of death."
"I am the only monster, brother, only me," Loki sighed, "Look at all the pain I caused, brother. That was not your doing, it is not your fault, it is no one's fault but my own. Odin used to tell us stories before we slumbered, remember? Do you not remember the stories of fearsome frost giants slain by valiant warriors? There was no way you could've known. There was no way you could've helped."
"No brother, you are not the monster parents tell their children of at night, for you are the lullaby that puts me to sleep! There was no evil in you, Loki, not one bit, not until I bestowed it upon you. If it were not for my constant brutalizing of you, if I had only played your games, if I had simply sought you out all those times I hurt you so deeply," Thor cried, his breath labored and shoulders rattling.
"You still remember that?" Loki asked, his eyes now vacant, "I thought you had forgotten."
"Forgotten? Forgotten? Brother, how could I forget? How could I forget the near most unbearable pain of all my days? The nights I have been without sleep, tortured by the memories of my words luring you from your happiness for my own sick amusement, remembering the weeks of which you could not bear to look upon me.
You think I would forget the pain of watching you drift farther and farther away from me until the day I realized that, gone were the days when I would hear your small voice calling my name from across the courtyard and gone were the nights when you relied on only me to cast away the nightmares that plagued your dreams? You think that I could forget? You think I could so easily forget the feeling of losing the one person I love and the one person who loves me because I, and only I, drove them away?" Thor was a sobbing mass on the couch beside the shocked form that was Loki.
Loki had no idea what to say, no idea how he could possibly help Thor or even if such words existed.
"I remember all that and yet, here, now, you sit beside me and look at me with as much love as you did when we were children. Tell me, please, Loki, tell me how you can bring yourself to look at me?"
"I do not understand," Loki sniffed as Frigga nursed his split lip, "why did you pull me from the spar once again? I was so close; I swear I was, I was close this time. Maybe, maybe if I had stayed, maybe I would have won, maybe then Thor would play with me."
The pain in her youngest son's voice was like acid in Frigga's heart as she was forced to watch the light in her son's eyes die more and more each time Thor played this gruesome game.
She knew any minute now, Odin would burst through the door, fuming and spitting, furious once more at Thor, because that is always what happened.
It was always the same, and it never got any better.
"Maybe if I had stayed," Loki whispered once more, "Maybe this time."
"Again! Again!" The voice of Odin boomed as the door crashed open, falling from its hinges and crashing to the floor, "Again he does this! I do not understand! He know! He knows what he does! He knows it is wrong!"
"Father, do not blame Thor," Loki whispered, and despite his volume, Odin's rant ceased instantly.
He had always been able to hear Loki's whispers no matter how heated he became.
"It is not his fault, nor has it ever been his fault. I am to blame, father, I am the one in the wrong. I should be stronger, father, it is my own weakness that defeats me. Only myself, only my weaknesses…" Loki repeated, his eyes brimming with tears he refused to shed before his father, "I have shamed you once more and I am sorry for that, I will win next time," Loki stood, holding back a whimper as is twisted ankle hit the hard surface, "Or perhaps, next time I will not be a fool and fall for his games."
It was a lie, a blatant, outright lie. Loki knew, Frigga knew, Odin knew, because no matter how many times Thor lured him in and beat him, there would always be that hope that 'maybe this time he means it'.
But Loki was wrong, Thor never meant it, so eventually, Loki stopped trusting him.
Along with not trusting him to keep his promises, he no longer trusted the golden boy for anything at all. He did not trust him to care for him, did not trust him to protect him, and did not trust him to love him.
So Loki shut down, no matter how much it hurt him, he knew that it would hurt far worse to allow Thor to continue to tear him apart. Thor had been the only person Loki had ever fully trusted, so when he ceased believing Thor, it seemed easier to simply not trust at all.
So Loki began lying, began tricking, and ensuing chaos at every turn, whether as a cry for attention or just something to fill the hole in his heart that Thor had left inside him, he did not know.
"Because, you did answer my call from across the yard, brother," Loki smiled weakly, stroking the tangle of blond hair, "the day you came and took me from that cell, that day, you returned my call from across the court yard," Loki got down before his golden brother and pulled his large hands from his face, "Look at me, brother, look at me at tell me if there is hate in my eyes."
Thor lifted his swollen eyes to look into the green orbs that he had stared into so many times in his life.
"There has never been hate in your eyes, brother, not once."
Tears swelled in Loki's eyes, which he forced back, out of habit, but the salty, warm tears broke free and burned his cheeks as Thor pulled him into a crushing embrace.
"Brother?"
"Loki, what is it? It is very late."
"Brother, I dreamt that Frost giants came and stole me away in the dead of night. Brother, I dreamt that no one came to rescue me, I dreamt that no one noticed I had been taken," Loki's tiny voice shook with tears hidden in the darkness as he stood at the foot of Thor's bed.
"Come here then, if you must," Thor sighed, motioning for the boy to come to his side.
Loki climbed over the foot of the bed and crawled across the coverings, until he had reached the headboard where he tugged on the edge of his green nightgown as he perched on his toes, waiting for permission to crawl under the warm blankets and clutching onto his stuffed horse so tightly he fear the head might pop off.
"Are you just going to sit there all night like an owl?" Thor asked, his voice groggy from sleep.
"No," Loki said as he scrambled under the covers, welcoming their warmth.
He stayed on the opposite side of the bed, unsure if Thor would allow him to breach his side and curl up next to his brother.
"Come on then," Thor sighed, grabbing his younger brother and pulling him close until he was curled against his chest.
"Thank you, brother," Loki whispered into the warm fabric of Thor's navy nightgown.
"I see you have, once again, forgiven me for the yard," Thor muttered, looking down at the small boy, begging for this to be true.
"I suppose I must, I cannot hate you forever, can I?" Loki said, hurt hidden poorly behind his voice, "Anyway, I am only here because I was frightened, nothing more."
The words stung Thor, as much as he hated to admit it, he wanted the love of his baby brother, wanted him to trust him and love him unconditionally.
"I love you, Loki," Thor whispered, but Loki was already asleep, thin fingers gripping onto the front Thor's nightgown as his breath grew deep and even, "I love you so much."
Not snarky, starky. (:
10/28/16