To Be Reborn The Butterfly

A week has gone by and little by little everyday Loki’s vocabulary grows. She’s now able to ask for things like food, bathroom breaks, and people she likes. She’s also able to voice her displeasure with clothing.

“Hot….hot Mama.” Loki whines. Frigga frowns. The poor girl is a frost giant after all. She must be very uncomfortable in the sunshine. The only permanent solution is to put the Aesir camouflage back on her. Frigga doesn’t want to do that just yet, not until Loki is aware enough to ask about her appearance, and accept that she is different from other people.

They are sitting in the royal family private garden. The flowers are in bloom and Frigga thought that she might read to Loki today and teach her some of Asgard’s more entertaining history. Thor approaches them and Frigga gets an idea.

“Thor my son, would you be so kind as to bring some rain down upon the garden. Loki is hot.”
Thor smiles at being able to provide such a service. It looks comical the way a tiny rain cloud forms and hovers in the sky just over the spot where Loki is playing. There are no other clouds today. The rain begins to fall and Loki marvels at how she can jump in and out of the rain. She squeals in delight.

Loki, unwittingly, calls upon her own magic, her Seidr magic. The rain turns to snow and Loki feels a sense of relief. For the first time she feels comfortable. She gathers together the small bit of snow into her cupped hands and lets it fall back to the ground. She marvels at how the cold makes her feel better, at the white of the snow against her blue hands…..

Loki’s eyes furrow in recognition of something she has never noticed before. No one, not a single person she has encountered is blue like she is. Frigga and Thor look on as the unasked question forms on her face. This moment has come far sooner than Frigga expected or wanted. Loki’s vocabulary is growing but still minimal. She figures it will be about another week before Loki will be able to comprehend all of the words she needs to say. Loki looks up from her hand over to her mother and brother. The expression on Loki’s face breaks Thor’s heart and fills him with fear. It is a look he knows all too well. On Loki’s face the seeds of low self-esteem, self-hatred, and doubt are taking root. Frigga walks over to her child to take her hands in hers.

“I’m blue mama.”

“I love you my darling girl. Mama loves you so much, so very very much. I know you are wondering why you are different. The answers will come in time my child. Do not be sad that you are different. When you are old enough to understand I will explain why you look the way you look and feel the way you feel.” Frigga pulls her daughter into a hug. Loki clings to her as she frowns. Thor realizes she needs a distraction.

“Mother, why don’t I take Loki and teach her to ride? Sleipnir will recognize her and treat her kindly. I can show her the countryside.”

“I think that is a wonderful idea, and it will give my handmaids a break.” And myself, thinks Frigga. She watches her children leave and notes how doting Thor is towards Loki. He’s been more a father to her than Odin has this past week. That needs to change. Frigga leaves the garden to go confront her husband.

Odin is sitting on the throne finishing up a meeting with his advisors when Frigga walks in. He dismisses them when he sees the look on his wife’s face. If he weren’t King he would be in the dog house.

“Thor has taken Loki riding with Sleipnir. We need to talk.” She says. “Odin my love, I know you are afraid to open your heart to Loki again. You are wasting your chance with her. It has been a week and she doesn’t even know who you are.”

“I keep my distance for a reason. If Loki should revert back to her old ways…”

“Revert back? How Odin? She remembers nothing. HE became what he was because we lied to him and forced him to live a life as a direct competitor with Thor for the throne. Envy is a powerful emotion, and its destruction of our son was total. Loki will not have such concerns now that he is a she. SHE does not have to compete with Thor for the throne. She gets to be her own person.”

Odin looks at his wife and suddenly feels very old. “How is Loki….progressing?” He asks. Frigga tells him of her growth in her speaking skills. Frigga feels that in a couple more weeks she may even be up to learning how to read. After that who knows. Then she brings up the subject of magic.

“Loki turned a rain storm into a snow storm today. It wasn’t her frost giant nature that made that happen, that was her Seidr, and it is even more powerful now that she is a woman. I will need to begin her training soon.”

“Absolutely not! After what happened last time I do not want Loki to have that kind of power again.”

“And how pray tell will she defend herself then? She is more vulnerable than ever and you know it is only a matter of time before Loki’s old enemies receive word of her current condition. You know better than any that magic cannot be fought with a sword, magic must be fought with magic. “

“Then teach her self-defense, but that is all.” Odin yells as his patience frays. Frigga doesn’t press the issue. She knows her husband’s moods, and Frigga doesn’t always do what her husband tells her. In this case it is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Besides all she has to do is get Loki started. Loki will take up teaching herself once she is genuinely engrossed in the subject, just like last time.

“Very well husband.” Frigga says simply. Odin gives her a look. He knows this is not the last time they will argue this topic.

“When are you coming back to bed? I miss you.” Frigga’s heart melts at the sincere longing in his voice. She must admit, she misses snuggling with her grumpy bear at night.

“Soon darling…” She says as she moves to sit in Odin’s lap. “I was thinking about that today. She has matured very quickly these last few days. I will sleep one more night in her room and then see how she does tomorrow. I was thinking we could have a private family dinner tonight, just the four of us. It is high time you and Loki had some quality time together. I want you to clear your schedule tomorrow.”

“As you say wife, I have no energy left to argue.” He smiles softly at her.

Thor and Loki reach the stables where Sleipnir is waiting. Thor feels apprehensive all of a sudden. What if Loki remembers him? Sleipnir sees Loki and whinnies in excitement. He has always been able to see through his father’s disguises. No matter what face Loki takes, he always smells the same. Thor thinks about the odd bet that his father had made with the dwarves. If not for Loki he would have lost, and it would have cost the kingdom’s treasury a fortune. Loki had shape shifted into a mare, let himself be mounted by a stallion, and bore the eight legged animal himself. Thor absently wonders if Loki’s female form has some physical memory of having born a child.

Loki reaches out and pets Sleipnir. She smiles at him, but there is no recognition, and Thor’s heart breaks. Sleipnir seems to sense that something is wrong as well. He nuzzles her neck in a sad fashion. Everywhere Thor looks are the remnants of another Loki. Though his reborn form is standing before him, Thor misses his brother. For the first time since this all happened, Thor mourns his loss.

Thor leads Sleipnir out of the stall and mounts his back before pulling Loki up to ride in front. They take off into the countryside with heavy hearts as Loki giggles her happiness at the new experience.

Dinner that evening is a relaxed affair in the private royal chambers. Loki is feeding herself now. Odin tries to engage her in conversation. It is difficult at first but when Thor brings up the ride with Sleipnir that day, Odin decides to talk about horses. Loki always did love horses.

“I love Slap-neer. He’s the best horse ever Papa! He loves me. Thor showed me the flower field and the colors are so pretty and there were blue flowers that are blue just like me and I picked all of them and gave them to Mama. Why am I blue?”

Forks clang against plates as the table goes silent. Loki has spoken more in the last few minutes than she has the last few days, and she ended it with THAT question.

“Well Loki…” Odin begins, “…you are what is called a Frost Giant. Frost Giants are blue.”

“Am I the only one?”

“Here on Asgard yes you are, but there are other Frost Giants on Jotunnheim, which is where you are from.”

“But aren’t you my papa?” Loki asks confused and sad. “Mama?” She turns and looks at Frigga. Odin tears up at the question. Thor does too, from a memory not a few weeks old of his brother denying Odin and calling him YOUR-Father.

“Yes dear child I am your papa, Frigga is your mama. We love you very much.”

“So you are frost giants too?” She asks with hope.

“No dear,” Frigga interjects. “Loki, your papa found you when you were a baby, all alone without a mama and papa to love you. So he picked you up and brought you home.”

“What happened to my real mama and papa?” She asks with tears in her eyes.

“They died my child.” Odin says simply. Technically speaking, Laufey is dead, and Odin has no idea what has become of Faurbati. He suspects she is dead as well. It is not the whole truth, but it will serve its purpose for now.

“Are you going to send me away?” Loki asks. For the first time that she can recall, she feels insecure, like this whole wonderful life could be taken from her. Odin chokes on a sob and cannot reply.

“No Loki. You are our child and we love you very much.” Frigga answers her. Thor is crying into his ale. Everyone loses their appetite and dinner ends abruptly. Frigga takes Loki back to her room and the two settle into bed. Loki clings to her mother like her life depends on it.

Notes