My Prince Loki
I don’t really know fully what happened after I woke up, all I know is that I was in an ambulance on my way the hospital. According to the report done by the drivers I was screaming and being extremely violent by hitting, kicking and biting at them to get out. It wasn’t because I was scared or because I was deranged as the drivers had theorized, it was because I thought I could go and save Loki or follow him into the abyss.
I don’t know why I thought this. I don’t know why I wanted to save him. He hadn’t saved me. Sometimes I think it’s because I still loved him deep down, but that thought pisses me off every time I think of it.
I went from going to a hospital to a high-end mental care facility just out of New York where I was still muttering and crying over Loki. That was the first time in three years I had actually cried full sorrowful tears and I had wasted them all on him.
I was apparently like this for two days. I didn’t eat or drink and I would either turn my back or scream in fright at the nurses, psychologists and even Cameron scared of them touching me. If they did touch me, like Cameron did, I would start screaming out for my Mother or my ex-Prince and would try and attack them. The way the report describes it is I showed, “juvenile tendencies” and was under “extreme emotional stress.”
Again, I don’t understand why because I don’t and can’t recall any of this. All I remembered was one day wondering why it was suddenly Sunday and being extremely disoriented demanding the armed officers outside my door to explain what was going on. I also felt extremely tired and depressed like I had just woken up.
It wasn’t till later on when one of the psychologists, Rayna with her face caked on with make-up and a fashion sense of someone out of the Hunger Games, was when I was told all of this.
“What made you have such a reaction?”
Again, like with Steven, I should have shut up. I wished I just lied or just stayed quiet. But I was frightened of what I had just heard and told Rayna about the dreams and what I believed had gone on connecting the dots particularly.
“Thor did something and was banished here to Earth…in the New Mexico desert in Puente Antiguo for some reason… and Loki didn’t want him to come back so he sent the Destroyer to kill him….Which is odd because only Odin has control over that so that means Loki has to be King…And Odin must therefore be in the Odin Sleep…
“But anyway clearly that didn’t work so Thor came back just in time to stop Loki from doing something…I think he was destroying a world with the Bifröst…Possibly Jotunheim because Odin - Who I think Loki was trying to impress - always hated Frost Giants…But Thor stopped him by destroying the Bifröst…and then Loki dropped down into a pit, killing himself after Odin said that’s not what he wanted him to do.”
I remember looking up at Rayna with her face set in a frown,
“Louisa, nothing strange has happened anywhere in Puente Antiguo…”
“What? What do you mean?! The town was destroyed!” I yelled, she shook her head.
“No it wasn’t Louisa.”
“Yes it was! I have proof!” I pulled out my phone and went through it trying to find the video which Jenny had sent me but to my dismay I couldn’t find it.
“It was on here before…I remember watching it!”
“The Daily Bugle! They had an article on it on Friday! Page one! I wrote it!”
Rayna went over to the little desk they had given me which had a three newspapers stacked on it. She pulled out the Daily Bugle and gave it to me,
“Culver University attacked by the Rio Monster!” Read the title.
Frantically I flipped through the paper looking for something, anything on the New Mexico incident but I found nothing except for something about a freak storm. I had been panicky at this point. I felt my hands shaking with my nerves all standing on end, my heart marathon running in my chest as stared down at the tabloid.
“There has to be a mistake! Jonah said he would make it page one! I have a back-up and everything for it! Jenny – my friend told me about it! She was there! She saw it all! She saw the hammer and the Destroyer wrecking the town! You’ve got to believe me!”
Rayna sighed, “I’ll talk to Jenny.”
Turns out Jenny couldn’t remember anything of the New Mexico incident. According to her she had been at the primary school out of town early for work. She was nowhere near Puente Antiguo at the time of the Destroyer attack.
I had decided to call her under the supervision of Rayna trying to remind her of the incident but she didn’t remember a thing.
“Louisa please, don’t put words into my mouth…” She had pleaded after five minutes of me begging.
“But Jenny you were there! You rang me and everything! I was going to give you half my pay, remember?!”
“No I don’t remember any of that Louisa. I’m sorry Louisa but I’ve got a massive headache from screaming children.”
“Jenny please! They think I’m crazy!”
“Well Louisa maybe you are a little.”
“Jenny…” I started, my voice losing its panic
“I’m sorry Louisa, but I can’t…” Her sigh came out shaky,
“I can’t deal with this anymore. You’re always relapsing-“
“Relapsing? Jenny you were there-!”
“And now you’re bringing me into this and I don’t want to be a part of this!”
“Jenny don’t please! You have to..!”
She hung up on me that day not only on the phone but also our friendship.
Feeling a little heartbroken, I was still felt determined to prove that I wasn’t actually insane. So I then rang the Bugle wanting to talk anyone about my article, preferably Jameson. But, like always, I was put through to Betty.
“Louisa I don’t think it’s such a good idea to talk to Jameson right now…”
“I just want to know what happened to my article….”
“I’m sorry but due to your…um… mental state we couldn’t take your article.”
“Oh don’t tell me you think I’m delusion as well?” I asked wanting to cry.
Betty swallowed heavy,
“I’m sorry Louisa –“
“Do I still have the job?” I had asked with my voice cracking.
“Jameson has given the internship to the young man who wrote the Culver University story.”
“What? Why?! I thought -”
“Jameson doesn’t want you back in this building after the incident you caused.” She had snapped scaring me a little.
“Where you attacked the two ambulance drivers, it was reported on by one of our freelancereporters on our site. Think it through Louisa; would you employ someone who is a delusional schizophrenic who thinks Asgardian Gods are attacking New Mexico and is claiming to have proof that doesn’t exist past crazy YouTube conspiracy videos…?”
“It’s the truth though!”
She sighed heavy,
Again I was hung up on and had found myself back in the painful situation I was in when I was nine. Only this time it was a lot worse. I lost my job at the Bugle along with my reputation when I walked out of that building a week later. Jenny would no longer talk to me scared I’d bring up the incident in New Mexico. The Daily Bugle having put a protection order out against me stating I wasn’t allowed to walk anywhere near the building or approach their workers through any means of communication.
A.K.A I no longer had a chance of working as a journalist in New York as long as that restraining order sticks around. No one’s going to employ a reporter with a restraining order against them, believe me I have tried.
Scared I rang Cameron’s home phone hoping to hear him telling me I was ok, that he, my fiancée was here for me. But a woman by the name of Erin answered his phone. My first instinct was that he was cheating on me but I was told that Cameron no longer lived at that address,
“Do you know why or where’s he’s gone?” I asked confused,
“No idea where but he’s crazy schizo ex-girlfriend attacked him and he was advised to stay away from her,”
My heart broke into a trillion of pieces as I stood there feeling myself becoming numb again,
“Guess he took it too seriously. He didn’t want to risk it since she broke his arm and gave him a massive black eye. I wouldn’t stick around with them if they hit me, would you?”
“No.” I said on the verge of tears not sure if I wanted to cry because I was scared of myself or if I was heartbroken that Cameron was gone. That he was scared of me.
I hung up on Erin not long after and wished I could cry again for someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with instead of staring empty at nothing.
I took the ‘support’ I received from my Hunger Games reject of a psychologist Rayna and Billie. Despite Jenny being hostel with me, Billie has stayed by me along with her family. When I was the hospital and out of it, I was visited by Billie and her then fiancée Troy McLain with Linda coming every time she could with her husband David who would always bring some sort of food.
Granted they didn’t believe me – no one does – but they still listened to my ‘delusions’ and about how much I ‘hated’ Cameron now.
But I hated myself.
After a while, I seriously thought everything was going ok. I let people believe they were helping me and rather disturbing pushed my feelings that I still had for Cameron down somewhere I couldn’t see or feel them. I let Rayna over analyse my life and listened to Billie tell me of her wedding plans.
Granted both of these activities didn’t get any real enjoyment for me, because one was stating things that just made me uncomfortable and the other was going down the path I truly wished to go down myself. Although, they both in their own sense focused on moving forward, something I knew from experience worked for me. I seriously thought I was recovering from it all this way.
That was until Loki turned up in my dreams again. Something I didn’t want because I was back to being a wreck.
After I had seen Loki drop into the black-hole thing I thought he was dead. I thought he wasn’t coming back. I was sad of course, and I had what I considered a mourning period which was my freak out. But I was also glad because I felt, with Loki dead, that period in my life would finally finish. Loki wouldn’t be a problem anymore; I could move on and actually have a life where Loki wouldn’t appear.
But then I started having dreams of Loki talking, fighting and killing things I couldn’t see. The first dream was at some sort of alien lake where I saw Loki on the other side glaring at in the distance. I ignored this and treated it as nothing. I just thought him being there like any other random disturbing character like my father or The Other that visited my dreams.
Then they started happening every second night and would just get worse and worse. Loki went from glaring at nothing, to crying in a wreck, to running into threats that he could either avoid with his wits or confront dead on nearly costing his life.
I watched his features go from the youthful and innocent to hard and malicious. I heard his laughter turn from joyful and jumpy to a breathless unforgiving snarl. I tasted the fear and blood of his enemies – his victims - on my tongue. And I felt every sick twisted emotion and belief grow more defined as he obsessed of over it.
Unworthy, Betrayed, Rightful King and Destroyer were a few of the words that would do laps in my head.
I didn’t want these dreams. They scared me and angered me, giving me a sick feeling of burning that (unlike Loki) I didn’t feel comforting in the slightest.
So I started taking sleeping pills thinking that would stop them.
That didn’t work.
Then I started getting drunk thinking that would knock me out.
That didn’t work either.
Finally I tore off the rose petals of Loki’s rose.
But the next morning after another dream of Loki it was back together again, a sickly bright yellow in colour.
Nothing seemed to be working.
I continued to unwillingly watch Loki survive one threat after another as I continued to find other means to block out the dreams.
The ‘other means’ though caught the attention of Billie landing me back into the hospital again. I was seen as a danger to myself, especially when I started to mix the alcohol and the pills in desperation.
By that point Loki had been found by someone instead of battling on his own and was being treated much like I had been in the “care” of The Other. He was starved in a cell of some sort that only had a small crack of light in it chained up, having to listen to the snarls and screams of faceless creatures. These creatures that started to haunt my waking hours when I was in the underground on my way to find work at restaurants and cafés.
The dreams were seen as delusions again landing me on schizophrenic pills. Again because I didn’t take them that meant more visits from my psychologists and a social worker by the name of Stephanie. Stephanie visited me every week to see how I was and if I was keeping up with the pill taking.
At first I would lie about taking them but after awhile Stephanie along with everyone else who considered themselves my support was seeing through that facade. Clearly, my nightmares with the God of Lies weren’t rubbing off on me enough. That and I didn’t think to throw the pills away to make it look like I was taking them. So then I started to convince others by lying about not having the dreams anymore and by throwing away the pills during the day as I looked for a job.
But that wasn’t stopping the dreams, I was scared and frightened. I saw no way out, I was always on edge whether it was during the day or before I went to bed. I was afraid of sleeping and was afraid of being outside where I started to believe that’s where the monsters, my monsters lived. They were around each corner looking at me in the dark snarling their laughter testing me. Well that’s what I believed then.
I was in the hospital again but this time it was for my own personal protection after I tried to jump off my apartment building. Luckily for me, a police officer who lived in the building spotted me and talked me down. It took him an hour but after he mentioned the people I cared for like my friends, who wanted me to get better and to fight the monsters was when I got down. He then notified Billie’s Mum and she put me in Academy Street Community Residence, who made an exception to my youth.
There I was watched twenty-four-seven with people making sure I was taking the pills and was not allowed out of the hospital unless I was with some sort of guardian.
So that meant I was no longer Billie’s bridesmaid. Jenny had filled that position I felt so treasured to have in the first place. Now, I’m just a ‘possible’ guest at my best friend’s wedding which fucking sucks. It makes me so angry and sorry for myself when I think about it.
I was so delusional really all I needed then was a straitjacket and a padded cell to scream about the monsters trying to get me.
I was quiet and decided not to talk to anyone because, according to me at the time, I thought everyone would tell me what they wanted me to think and I wasn’t up for it. I became a vegetable just eating and getting my sun at the window I sat at, nothing more. I refused to make friends with anyone because I knew I wasn’t crazy, they were. It was the reason I didn’t get involved in any of the residence programs. I knew I was hopeless with an instrument and I knew my cooking skills didn’t need any improvement. Or as they put it, I was in denial of my condition.
I knew at the time that the dreams (which still happen with those fucking pills) were from Loki.
He was torturing me with his torture and I fucking hated him for it. I thought it was his fault, not my own for reacting publicly like a fucking psycho. I thought that if he truly loved me like he said he did all those years ago, he wouldn’t put me through all this bullshit like his doing now.
Like with the ‘training’ with The Other, showing the destruction of worlds with the power of whatever they were using (I never know because either the dream stops or the words became muddled - which is very out of character for Loki cause I know he likes to gloat). Maybe the rose could prick me, let me know he truly hates me. But it doesn’t, it only hurts other people when they touch it when they change the water it doesn’t need to sit in.
Well if, he truly exists that is.
Because after a while, I started to believe, that maybe he was in my head.
The dreams, as painful as they were all represented the suffering I had gone through as a child. The monsters were the repulsed memories of the violence who were trying to break me; The Other character was a warped version of Janet. And Loki, he was just the hero I craved as a child with the violence and didn’t let go of it till I started to hate him for putting me in hospital. The reason he was a frog was because I felt I was unclean because of the violence, I wasn’t worthy of love. So by kissing a frog and him turning into a prince, I wished for a change in my life.
The rose he gave me represented that I was struggling with the difficulties I was having with my Mum and Steven and my relationship later on in life. They couldn’t explain why I always had a rose with me but they suggested that maybe I was picking new ones every day - which doesn’t make sense since roses don’t bloom all year round and I know I don’t pick one each day.
The instant with New Mexico was because I was stressed and scared of not getting the internship. So my subconscious made up the whole thing so I would get the job. By making Jenny the main actor I felt she was creditable and it would make it more real.
It made a lot of sense and with that I slowly became to realize that I was indeed crazy and that I could manage it. Granted I hate the pills but I still take them. I was making people proud around me because I was recognizing my condition. People like Billie, her Mum and Dad, Troy and the people at Academy Street Community Residence were all glad I’m getting better.
I was allowed to keep a dream journal where I recorded my nightmares about Loki. Along with that I started getting involved in the music program where I learnt how to play the guitar and was allowed in the creative writing program.
We weren’t allowed to write about our delusions but I did saying it helped get over… recognize what I had come from. A record of my assumptions, my demons and everything that I’m confused are all in this thing.
Well, except everything to do with Cameron. That I’ve edited out because, while Loki causes me pain every night, me hurting Cameron and making him run away causes me pain every second, every minute, every hour, every day I exist without him next to me. If I had allowed myself he would have taken up half of this thing, maybe 85% at most. I could make a whole book on how much I love him and how much I hate myself but I know that’s not going to get me very fair.
Writing this thing does. It does because I can take it with me when I get out of here and look at it to remind myself again that I struggle with my mind every day. And that I am moving forward.
The nightmares will come and they hurt like shit every day but I’m strong.
I can do this and I will do this.
Loki, my delusion, you’re not going to hurt me anymore.
If I could give a Louisa a, “I’m sorry for making your life shit” card, I would.
If you haven’t figured it out after this chapter the writing style changes from 2nd person to 1st person. We will be fully Louisa’s head from this point forward, not in her coping book.
I’m so terrified of doing this change, mainly because all enjoy the current one.
But we’ll see how it goes I guess.
But before that I’ll be posting up little short stories so I can get you guys more geared up!
One will be called, “Louisa’s Dream Journal” “Absent Minded” “Confession of Wants and Needs” and finally, “Wedding Bells”
“Louisa’s Dream Journal” as you probably guessed from the title are her entries in the journal which focus on Loki’s time with The Other and what I believe happened when Loki was in the abyss.
“Absent Minded” Goes into what S.H.I.EL.D. did while doing d the ‘clean up” of New Mexico.
“Confession of Wants and Needs” is a piece of Billie’s diary where she vents about her worries for her best friend.
And finally, “Wedding Bells” looks at how Billie’s and others are feeling about Billie’s big day and Louisa not being there.
To understand the events that are coming in the next chapter, I highly suggest you read those when they come out. This will be sooner than how long you guys had to wait for this chapter (sorry!).
So get excited!
As usual tell me what you think!
p.s. if any of you feel like Louisa did in this chapter (suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression) please talk to someone you can trust that is close to you or call your local helpline.