The silver's tears

After a while thor returned enraged and loki came after him trying to stop him
"No, I know this look , don't do something stupid" Loki said loudly
"Stupid?... you want to leave again and I'm the one who is going to do something stupid" thor shouted
"Leaving… are you out of your fucken mind " banner yelled
"Oh Common you too" Loki whined
"Why do you wanna leave?" Steve asked him quietly
"It is not about being here or any place else it's about being with me , it seemed like my presence annoying him" Thor said enraged and little hurt
"Do I really have to explain this to you again? … fine, it is not about you thor, shockingly yes not everything must be related to you" Loki scoffed
"so the problem is what?...us?" Natasha asked him
"You playing tough don't you? Pretending to be a badass right?" Clint smirked
"Me? No, I …I just want to go anywhere away from here I don't like it here, it is cold here and brings a lot of bad memories that I just want to forget it" Loki said frowning
"Why you didn't just say this to me at first place?" Thor asked him sadly
"I told you" Loki shouted " but you didn't listen to what I've to say… you never did" his voice broke
" Loki please …" Thor said sadly
"No, it's ok really…I get used to it long time ago , you have all the time to listen to your friends, oh especially this Sif , then came the mortal you love , what was her name? yes…Jane" Loki laughed bitterly " You even fought with me for her sake and finally your new friends here the avengers right" Loki smirked "But…you never have any time for the one you keep calling him your brother, so please stop pretending that you suddenly started to really care ,will you" Loki parked
"Stop playing the victim role here would you…you didn't trust any of us enough to share thoughts with us , we all tried even Sif remember?" Thor said enraged
"Sif? Who filled your head with lies about me , that I'm jealous of you, envy? That I betrayed you , she only knows one thing , how to hate me , mock me …otherwise none of your filthy friends wouldn't dare to treat me like this… I was a son of Odin too " Loki said in broken voice and vanished
"Oh Common, first thing to have back is this power, now I must look for you where exactly? " Thor whined
"Where did he go?" tony yelled
"Don't care and don't want to know" Thor muttered
"So…is it normal for you guys to just evaporate" Clint snarled
"teleporting, his powers obviously started gathering pace" Thor explained enraged but little happy that loki was getting his powers back
"Excuse me ! did you just say teleporting? He can do this now? Great what's next reading minds" Tony exclaimed
" not a good time stark " thor growled
"No, no you don't get it …I mean he is a hell of a fighter, good with weapons, excels magic better than anyone else and he can actually teleports yet this guy thinks of himself weak and worthless , wow" Tony yelled astonished
"Cause he is just a stupid selfish child" Thor parked crumbling to the sofa "He only cares about himself and no one else, all what he sees is himself …I thought I was the blind one but I'm wrong , he is the one not me , this little arrogant" Thor muttered
"Whoa big guy , don't take any decision you may regret it latter " Steve said
"Don't worry I'm leaving anyways" Thor replied
"Leaving? To where exactly? " he asked
"I'll stay a couple days with Jane "
"Can't this be delayed for a while , you have a thing here need to be ended don't you think" Banner said agitated
"Jane is going abroad for a couple of weeks so yes I think it is a good time to leave before I do something I regret … I had enough of this crap anyway" Thor said coldly
"But thor, are you sure it's a good idea? I mean; won't you regret this later?" Natasha said
"No, Nat he is right, they need to be away for a while to think about it carefully" Clint said quietly
"Glad we reach an agreement, well my friends I must leave now, farewell" Thor said and crushed out of the room then the tower in seconds
"Now, where is loki?" banner asked
They all looked at each other, wondering about the same question, the answer they hoped it that he was safe or at least didn't do something wild
"Jarvis, do you know where did he go?" Tony asked
"I'm afraid I can't tell you sir"
"And why the hell is that?" Tony yelled
"I've direct orders from Mr. Loki that I shall not prevail his location to anyone under any circumstances"
"Now you took orders from him ? I'm your inventor for god sake" Tony parked
"Not anymore mate" Clint smirked
"Listen you dumb head you tell me where is he right now or I'll have a good time formatting you" Tony said red faced , he can't believe that he is fighting with his computer
"Easy here" Steve said calming him down
"Can you at least tell us if he is in the tower or not?" Banner asked impatiently
"I can't tell you that either"
"We will see about that" Tony hissed typing enraged on his tablet
"you don't have permission " the alarm said
"Loki you bastard" Tony shouted enraged
"your language for god sake" Steve yelled
"you shouldn't say that" Loki said coldly through a screen projected in front of them , he was angry but his eyes were little teary
"Are you in my lab?" tony yelled
"You shouldn't have said this" Loki parked and some glass broke around them and the screen went blank
"What is wrong with this guy?" Tony yelled
"I think it what you just called him, maybe" Banner said in a blaming tone
"Such a soft guy" Tony scoffed
"Stop it guys" Steve ordered them
"What made him that mad?" Natasha asked
"maybe it remembered him of something" Banner wondered
"I don't care, I just wanna him out my lab" Tony said agitated
"Then you might need to learn how to keep your mouth shut" Clint scoffed
"Well this might be rusty" Natasha sighed heading to the left
"Where are you going?" Clint asked
"I'll have a little chat with him"
"You think he will listen to you?" Tony smirked
"Maybe, I've my own ways" she grinned at him
"Good luck then" he smirked
She took the left down to the lab, she hesitated for a while before she stood in front of the lab's door calling for loki
"Loki, may I've a word with you please" she called out loud
"Mr. Loki is busy right now, I've to ask you to come late " Jarvis answered her
"I just wanna talk to you Loki please let me in"
There a silence for couple a seconds before loki's voice was heard through the speakers next to the door
"And why should I listen to you in first place" his voice was quiet but cold
She sighed thinking then said "I know you're angry with tony about what he said earlier, but he didn't mean it really, he is just being an ass like always"
"And he send you to tell me this?" he smirked
"No, he didn't, I came because you too did the same thing to me remember, so apparently you owe me an apology"
Loki didn't answer her, she stood there waiting when the doors opened , she walked inside grinning, she knew her ways always gave the best results
"It wasn't me who said these words, you know this" Loki said quietly, he was sitting on a chair sketching something, she couldn't recognize it well as he was giving her his back
"still, it was said by you, I don't care if it was said by who" she said walking to him
Loki looked at her coldly and kept staring at her for a while like the last time, she played with tools on the table next to here to keep her from thinking about his look
"I'm sorry" Loki said looking away, he really mean it she can feel it in his voice it was deep and sad though she was taken by that he really apologized to her
" I don't even know what does it mean, so no problem" she smirked
"Good, let's keep it this way"
"Fair enough, can I ask you something?"
"sure but it doesn't mean I've to answer it"
"Why are you like this?... I mean sometimes you are so nice that we can clearly see you are Thor’s little brother the one we all loved all this time , other times you are as much insane and angry as we first met you…why this confusion I really can't understand you"
Loki froze in his place and became paler she thought he won't answer her but he must, there is something deep something dark inside him and she need to find it out
"That's because all of you think I'm lost" he said sadly
"Then tell me the truth, aren't you lost?"
"You are lost not me" he paused hesitated and said weakly" I'm not lost , I'm broken…to be lost means that you are just confused need someone to show you the way back home"
"And to be broken what does it mean?" Natasha asked softly sitting next to him
"To be broken means you have no home to go back to…when you are broken everyone think you are weak whining all the time they don't know what does it mean when you can't tell what you feel inside what is left inside you …emptiness like there is a big hole in your chest burning you alive sitting your head on fire to be broken is to look is to look in the mirror and can't recognize yourself"
"To be afraid to look in the mirror afraid of what would you see" she muttered
Loki looked at her wondering
"Broken? Yes" she said smiling bitterly "You know my past don't you? I was just a tool used to kill people a living monster since I was nine I know what is like to feel of yourself as a monster to be lost , to be broken … in fact everyone in this building know these feelings except for cap we all here think of ourselves as monsters that's why we are here in first place "
"I…I didn't know"
"Now you do, Clint is just like me but fury helped him then me to use our powers in different side, Bruce always hunted by thoughts and memories of the actions of the other guy he can be very angry you know, Steve is stuck in time not his, living while everyone he knew is dead, lost everything and Tony he once was known as merchant of death with daddy issues just like you and lost his best friend in front of his eyes…so yeah we all messed up here, you just have to get through it "
"You will get through this… that what people say, don't they?" Loki said in a broken voice and continued "what exactly does it mean 'to get through this?' through what? What is in the other side?" Loki cried
"Your whole life , you still have your whole life to make things better to leave all this madness behind , to start again" Natasha said looking at him in the eyes
"I don't want to get through it, I wanted to die…in it"
"And those who loves you who wants you to come back to them again , you didn't of what would happen to them? Didn't you think of what would thor do? Or how will Frigga face the idea of losing you again?" she shouted at him
"They will be used to it like they did before , that they had learned long time ago , they managed to continue their life normally without me once they can do it again"
"See that the thing behind the grief , why we grief … grief is like a bag that sits at the bottom of your bed. And no matter what, without fail you have to pick it up every day , take it with you. Some days it will be filled with rocks, and you won't think you can carry it. And then other days…light as a feather. That is ( getting through it) , locking yourself up wishing to die won't help you at all , pepper told me you have some nice time together then what changed?"
"I think it's like having so many copies of you but only exist inside your head each one has his own way to think and live and everyone want to control the others and be the real me, I don't know what should I do"
"Maybe start to be yourself, all these copies are you so why not combine them all together making only one loki"
"What if I couldn't? if I failed?"
"We will try again nothing is impossible" she said holding his hand
"We?"
"Oh yes of course , did you think we'll leave you face this alone" she winked at him
"Thanks" Loki said quietly
"But first you must be more nicer with thor , please just a little he doesn't deserve this"
"Fine, but he must stop treating me like a child first"
"This might be difficult, being the youngest person here make everyone think you as a kid honestly I won't deny that we all think that I's our responsibility to look after you we can't help it" Natasha giggled
"So I'm just a child in your eyes?" Loki whined
"Umm call it the little brother none of us had , Steve used to play this role on all of us being technically the elder one so we call him mommy and tony used to tease fury calling him daddy it make sense you know, Steve always takes care of everyone, make us food and make sure we are safe and fury make rules and provide us with what we need and be there for us sometimes when we need him though he might be rough sometimes"
"this seems nice"
"Yeah, I think it is… oh another thing I know tony is a jerk but let him enter his lab it is literally his life" Natasha smirked
"I'll but not now" Loki grinned
"Can I ask you one more thing and don't answer if you want"
"Why what he said made me that angry?"
"Well yes"
"He remembered of something this man made me saw it ..,live it actually"
"Another illusion?"
"Yes, I was in Joutinhiam captured by…laufey and he found out who I was and he said…" Loki paused he was shaking a little and his face was paler
"Don't worry you can tell me nothing will harm you here" Natasha said stroking his shoulder
"He called me the bastard son …the son he left in the cold abandoned to die , he said that I was an abomination and Odin should have left me to die but he was as weak as I'm" Loki said in a broken voice and some tears failed him and left his eyes
"And you believed him? Loki you are not an abomination you are just different that's all and to be different isn't a bad thing in fact being different is what makes you special loki" she said hugging him calming him down
"You listen to this bastard and refuse to listen to us ,Na this must change do you copy that boy" She smirked
"Yes" Loki sniffled hugging her back 'Can I ask you something?"
"of course go on"
"Being left alone is something seemed to be attached to my nature" Loki said bitterly " Can you promise me…that if you had to leave me alone again do it in a way make me suffer less please" his voice was cracking, he tried to stay strong and not break again
"What are you saying? Why you think that I …that any one of us may leave you?"
"I'm tired of feeling alone all the time… I'm tired of always left alone " Loki cried
"You don't have to pretend to be ok…don't have to act like everything is fine, let everything out if you kept all these feelings inside you …your life will be a living hell" she said to him quietly
"I'm already living in hell, you think this life? just a breath in and a breath out…some days I just wish I died this day"
"Why you keep going back to this point over and over don't you ever get tired, thor was right when he said you enjoy torturing yourself" she yelled at him
"I can't, I just can't pretend to be someone else" he cried
"So let us help you, lock all these fucken thoughts instead f locking yourself up" she parked at him
"You all say the same thing all the time but it always ends the same , with you leaving me alone , to suffer alone … I'm don't want to trust any one again I don't want to , I don't have room to" he shouted at her
"We won't leave you that what I can promise you and I intend to keep my word" Natasha said firmly
"How I know you saying the truth not playing another game on me?" he said in breaking voice
"I swear it is not a fucken game, give me…give us one more chance to show you that we really care please" she said almost begging him
"You can't break what is already broken, so one more chance won't be a problem to me" he said quietly looking at her
"And I won't let you down" she whispered at him and hugged him again
"From now on you will do exactly what I tell you to do understood?"
Loki nodded , she grabbed his hand making him stand on his feet
"Come , we spend a lot of time here we need to join the others"
"But.."
"I think I told you to do what I tell you to do without asking" She gazed at him
"Still I don't think it is a good idea"
"Com'on don't worry" she said firmly grabbing him tightly and left the lab.

Notes