The silver's tears

To thor , Loki's diaries was like a treasure so when he forgot where he put it , thor was devastated searching all over the place for it but in vain nothing could bring him out from his sadness except for steve's promise that he will look for it in the morning but what they didn't know that it wasn't lost but was taken by a curious and a very bored winter soldier..
Bucky was taken by its colours he thought it was just an ordinary note book and was going to give it to steve when he found some writings in the middle of the note , his curiosity beated him not forgetting it was 2 am in the morning and he was so bored, from the first look he knew it was diaries but whom ? that he didin't know so he started to read it anyways hoping to know its owner by the end...
"Do I really want to stay? What is left for me here to live for…to fight for? If I stay or leave would this make a difference ? to be missed by someone means that you’re a worthy and I'm not, I never was…
A shadow living behind a mask of silence…never give up always fight to prove yourself that you're worthy…worthy of the name…Odin son…worthy of being asgardian warrior, How to be worthy of something you don't have…you don't belong to?
I don't belong that is truth I can't call Asgard my home neither jotunheim, not having a place to call it home…your home, is like someone ribbed your heart and made you watching him tearing it apart you don't die yet you can't call yourself alive, you can see the both worlds but can't belong to any of them as they both discarding your presence as an abomination
You should be dead one said….you still breathing the other said but only breath indicates being alive?
I died once in their eyes if I die again it won't hurt them right? Claiming they mourned before…enough hurting, enough grieving I just want to feel peace again like when mother used to sing me lullaby till I fall asleep in her arms feeling her heart beats or when the only thing made me scared was the sound of the thunder I used to go to thor's room so I could feel safe ….there was time when only seeing him make me safe like nothing in this world can hurt me as I was sure that my big brother will protect me never letting anything bad happens to me
Every day passed this feeling faded away till one day I had to think twice before I can tell if he was here to protect me or to hurt me…another feeling arouse this day, when seeing my brother started to make me …. Scared.
Blur is what I live in now what is real? Is anything was ever real or illusions became my life…is this real?...Feeling cold…so cold, am I dying? …A poison maybe! Too late for second guessing…I made a fool of myself again, so desperate to find love to find someone really cares for me that I gave it up to the first person knock the door so tired of hiding my feelings anymore hiding this little secret this little dream of having a normal life like anyone else not to be a freak show…to be normal, to have the guts to have a life to be shared with someone , to have a family a real one not bunch of warriors teasing me all around a family where you are worthy for what you are not for what they want you to be …a life where no one tell to shut up or know your place…a life where my voice is heard not just by me …
Why don't I wake up…to shout…to ask for help before I die ? maybe I do wanna die , waking to this life, to the person who I am do I really wanna this anymore, maybe when I'm gone they would understand why I did this maybe they can hear my voice … To know me .
It is funny when you dead how people start listening… I've gone all around till there's nothing left to say, wrote it all down into something that couldn't be said… A lesson I realized I should have learned it long time ago but it is not too late to learn, is it? Thor learned his lessons, everyone did they all have faced their problems and stood against it … should I really gave up ? stop fighting back? Stop asking for my right? To be the coward I always denied I'll be …Do I really need to be more pathetic than I really am? To be a loser…A joke anyone can laugh about? Enough is enough no more lies no more tears and hell no more weakness… if I died today or after hundred years I don't care I'll live every single moment of it on my on I'll do what I want and no one can stop me I'm loki not odinson nor laufeyson just loki. They call me the trickster well, the only trick worth playing now is come back again even more stronger. But am I dying? Well yes...."
Bucky turned the page but there was no more , he closed the diaries thinking about what he just read all the pain , the agony and the anger this loki had inside was enough to make even the toughest guy break down and according to what he heard from thor he didn't , he fought till the end , but there is this thing about thor and being scared of him ! wasn't he suposed to be his brother the one who prtotects him , not the one who makes him suffer !! now all what bucky wants is the morning to come so he could have the answer to his question: when did write this? and what did he mean by being scared of thor !? But...why does he care about a stranger in the first place !?

Notes