Chapter 79 - Epilogue 7 - What happened when Sigyn finally had time to breathe...
After eating the Golden Apple, Sigyn and Loki had decided to retire. She was exhausted from her ordeal and Loki even asked if she would prefer it if he found somewhere else to sleep for now, knowing he may have damaged her trust enough that she may not want him there when she felt so vulnerable, but she asked that he stay and hold her. He was more than happy to oblige and she put on her own pyjamas, which she hadn’t worn for some time and Loki had never seen, and he put on his lounge pants. He held her to him and stroked her hair, kissing her forehead as he whispered sweet words of both his love and assurance, but it was he who fell asleep first, and only then did Sigyn let the tears slowly begin to leak from her eyes, for the emotions to get the better of her.
So much had happened in the last two day, or was it three? Hel, two weeks. But the last two days especially. She had too much information and her brain wasn’t sure how to process it. She had, she thought, so far, handled things very well; her romance with Loki, the reveal of her reincarnation, her hold over her power, and all the memories that had returned, particularly the last one of just what her death had also meant. She swallowed hard and carefully removed Loki’s arms from her, knowing he was deep in sleep already, recognising the pattern of his breathing and that his hands had loosened their grip. Slipping from the bed she silently went out into the living area, needing to be by herself, needing to have her meltdown, knowing it was coming, but wanting to be alone. Loki had apologised for hurting her, with that damned foolish notion of protecting her, and she had accepted his apology, agreed that she wanted to be with him, and she didn’t want him to feel any more guilt than he already did, but she needed this out of her system. She considered calling Darcy, she had said she would be there, if she needed her, but she just wanted to get through this, get it over with and move on. She knew a good cry, while not a cure all, could help.
She took herself out into the living area, ignoring the lights, found a box of tissues and curled up in the armchair that faced away from the bedroom door. The tears continued to flow unbidden and eventually sobs joined them, which she tried to silence with her hand over her mouth, but it only seemed to make it worse. She really didn’t want to wake Loki so she got up again, grabbed the box of tissues, and headed for the door, not caring where she went, just away, somewhere no one else would be and no patrols would pass through, and she thought she knew just the place.
Loki rolled over, Sigyn no longer in his arms, and he automatically reached for her, needing her back in his grasp, but he came back empty. His hand groped around her side of the bed before his eyes finally opened as his brain processed something was wrong. He leant up on his elbow and turned on the light, finding her side of the bed empty.
‘Sig?’ He called as he got out of bed, frowning when he got no reply. A glance at her nightstand showed her phone still there so he went and softly knocked on the bathroom door, calling her name again, and when he received no reply he tried the handle. It opened, the light was still off. His stomach turned with worry. What could have happened? Where was she? He rushed back into their room and found his phone, bringing up the FRIDAY interface.
‘FRIDAY, where is Sigyn?’
‘Sigyn is in the Girls Only, No Stinky Men Allowed, On Pain Of Death lounge.’
Loki shook his head at the room Darcy had evidently renamed and went for the door. ‘Thank you.’
Sigyn had turned on one of the sets of fairy lights, grabbed some blankets, and buried herself on one of the couches, curling up tight and finally letting a sob leave her body in a wracked cry. She sobbed until her head was heavy, her nose stuffy and her eyes sore, but the tears just didn’t seem to want to stop. She wiped at her eyes and nose, the crying hadn’t helped ease the pain she felt in her chest, it just seemed to have made matters worse. The sobs had changed to small, gasped breaths, but that was the only difference.
‘Sig?’ Loki’s voice came from the door and her breath caught. She tried to hold it, not wanting him to see her like this, but she should have known that if he looked, he would find her. ‘Sig, love, I know you’re in here.’
He looked around the room for the small, meek voice he had heard thick with emotion and so raw. Finally his eyes fell on a pile of blankets in the dim light and he narrowed his eyes as he approached. Surely she wasn’t in there? ‘Sunbeam?’ He asked questioningly.
‘I’ll come home when I’m done.’ Came the small reply and he realised it sounded as though she were crying.
He crouched beside the couch with the blanket pile, looking at the end nearest the arm. ‘Sweet, please, whatever it is we can face together. Please don’t shut me out.’ He pulled back the edge of the blankets slowly and found a pair of feet. Okay, wrong end. He moved across to the other and carefully pulled back a few layers until he found red hair, following it until he could see blue eyes and freckles looking up at him through damp lashes and puffed skin. ‘Dear one, what can I do to make this right?’
‘It’s not about you.’ She pulled the blankets back over her head. ‘Mostly.’ She added.
Loki tried not to sigh, not wanting her to think he was growing impatient, as he wasn’t, it was out of frustration. ‘It’s not over Theoric, is it? Because he deserves not the tears you are granting him.’
She threw the blanket back and gave him as stern a glare as she could manage. ‘No!’ Then pulled the blanket back again as her lip began to quiver at the look he was giving her, soft eyes and sympathy from a face she loved.
‘Talk to me, darling.’ He said simply.
She sighed in her blanket nest and knew she had to share. She had wanted to tell him before but never got the chance, and maybe putting it off wasn’t the wisest of moves. Perhaps she could get everything off her chest at once. She pushed herself to sit up and took the blankets with her, making Loki realise she was virtually cocooned in layers, and if the tissues that fell out of the nest were any indication she had been here some time. She looked so distraught and hurt, her skin paler than normal making her freckles stand out, her blue eyes crystal clear and watery. ‘I needed to come breakdown on my own.’ She said quietly.
‘May I?’ He asked, indicating to the couch beside her and she nodded. ‘I understand your need, you have had a good many changes in the last week or so, changes that anyone with lesser strength of character would have broken down over a long time ago. You don’t always have to be strong.’ He tentatively brushed her hair away from her cheek and was relieved when she let him.
‘I have to try to be.’ She said, her voice little more than a whisper. ‘If I let all of this bring me down I might never recover. I just need to get this out of my system.’
‘Would you like to share, petal? Allow me to ease your burden?’
‘I don’t know how to start.’ She choked up again at the thought of having to try and voice to Loki the root of the issue, the fact that she had remembered with Darcy that he was still none the wiser of.
‘At the beginning, love.’ He caressed her cheek as her eyes filled with tears until they brimmed over. ‘Or the middle, or the end. Wherever you feel comfortable.’
She nodded and cuddled the blankets around her as he watched her carefully. ‘I think it’s a build up of everything, plus what I was going to talk to you about, when you told me to leave.’
He let out a long breath. In truth he had forgotten that she had asked to speak with him, and that he had dismissed it. Right before he dismissed her. ‘I’m here now, Sig.’ He promised her and she nodded again.
‘I remembered,’ she let out a breath and it shuddered out of her body almost painfully, ‘I remembered Niflheim, the run up to my death.’
‘The journey to collect the relic?’ Loki asked, checking if that was what she meant. ‘Or before you left?’
‘The journey, mostly.’ She swallowed heavily. ‘I fell ill.’
He frowned at her. He had been unaware of this, obviously as the healer was the only other casualty, and Sigyn’s father had been so wracked with guilt and grief at his daughter’s death it did not matter she had been ill. ‘I didn’t know that.’
‘Why would you? I was dead, how I felt meant nothing anymore. We took our rooms at the inn as planned for the night and the healer checked me over.’ Fresh tears overwhelmed her and she gasped in a breath, her face contorting. She bit her lip and tried not to make any noise but it didn’t work, even as Loki shushed her and tried to pull her to him. She kept him at arms length, shaking her head. ‘She realised I was pregnant.’ Her words came out strangled and the tears overwhelmed her as she dropped her head into her hands and away from Loki’s touch, sobbing loudly into her palms as Loki froze, what she had said sinking in.
‘You…were…’ He managed as a cold hand gripped his heart, squeezing until he was in physical pain. He stood quickly, although he didn’t know why, he didn’t seem to know anything. Anguish that even surpassed that which had filled him upon Frigga’s death flooded him as his throat constricted, emotions rolling through him that threatened to overwhelm him. His power coursed through his veins on the tail of the heartache but its outburst halted in its tracks as Sigyn sobbed behind him. He turned to her, finding she had curled over herself, her face buried in her hands in her own lap as her body shook with each breath that threatened to choke her. ‘Sig.’ He whispered and fell back onto the couch beside her, wrapping himself around her back and pulling her against him. ‘Sig, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’ He repeated as his eyes filled with tears, knowing just how much more he had lost on that fateful day centuries ago, knowing how much she had been through, knowing what they had lost was more than just one another.
‘It was all we ever wanted, and I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t stop it.’ She gasped as she turned to him and he pulled her into his arms fully, her damp cheek pressed to his chest.
‘It was not your fault, sweet, not at all. We know who was to blame.’ He closed his eyes and held her, his beautiful Sigyn who meant more to him than any other being in the entire world, who had carried this burden of guilt alone at a time when he had hurt her, and he understood her need to cry this out as his own tears flowed unbidden down his cheeks, his breathing shallow as he let his remorse go and in its place allowed gratitude, that after all that had happened he had her back, they had another opportunity at all they had lost and missed. ‘I am so sorry I was not there with you, beloved. It has always been my greatest regret, and I promise you, I will never let you go again. I will protect you to my last breath, because when all is said and done you are the reason I breathe, the reason I wake.’
She leant away from him, taking in his tears in the soft light, the regret in his eyes and she kissed him gently, just the pressing of their lips, and it tasted salty yet sweet at the same time. ‘I never want to leave you again.’ She murmured.
‘Good, because I will always be here, with you.’ He promised.
They held one another and cried for some time, neither needing to speak again, and eventually they tired and fell asleep in a tangle of blankets and one another.
It was late the next morning when Darcy passed by the Girls Only, No Stinky Men Allowed, On Pain Of Death lounge and was surprised to find the door open. She peeked inside and saw one of the sets of fairy lights was on, and fast asleep in a pile of blankets were Loki and Sigyn. Loki was laying on his side against the back of the deep sofa, his arms tightly around Sigyn who was laying on her stomach, her arms pulled in under her, her cheek on Loki’s bicep and her nose pressed to his chest. They looked so peaceful she decided to let the breaking of the rules slide, just this once, and she was glad they had got their happily ever after. She pulled out her phone and took a photo of them, she would show them when they woke just how cute they were together, then she tiptoed back out again and closed the door quietly. She would go and make them hot drinks and wake them. She still wanted the full story of what had happened on Asgard, having only had the confirmation from the team that Sigyn, and Loki, were both safe and well, and seeing them in one another’s arms meant they had made up. She was a sucker for a good love story and she was determined the world should know theirs.