The Paralyzing Truth

Steve entered the gloomy room and slammed the door, or tried, as every hotel room, this had the anti door slam thing. He groaned loudly and leaned against the door, pushing on it until it finally closed.

“Note to self: do NOT take the stairs running…”

But he wasn't breathing heavily just for that and he knew it.

It wasn’t their first undercover rodeo. But this time, their mission took them to a gay club. Nat thought it was hilarious! For the first time they would have to pose as a couple instead of one of them partnering with her. They had to sell it, they had to look convincing. Holding hands was easy, a touch here and there was, odd, but not uncomfortable. And Bucky was one hell of an actor. Whispers in Steve’s ear, fingers on the small of his back, a little squeeze to the thigh… all of it came naturally, as if Bucky had been waiting for an excuse. Steve just went with it, and he was relaxing, until Bucky kissed him. How did he manage to keep his composure until the mission was over was beyond him. As soon as Nat informed them that their target had left and they had all the intel they needed, Steve sprinted up the stairs and locked himself in their room.

Steve closed his eyes and took his hand to his mouth, softly ghosting his fingers over his lips. His mind drifted back to the moment of the kiss. He could still feel Bucky’s lips on his, and the soft itch of his stubble.

“You dumbass! He’s your friend! He’s your best friend!” Steve said to himself slamming his head against the door. “You should not have these thoughts about him! You’re not even gay!! Right?” The last sentence floated around his mind. “Right?”

It wasn’t a secret that Bucky was gay. But Steve? Steve was doubtful. He knew he liked women, but men? Okay, he wouldn’t say no to some men either. I wouldn’t say no to Bucky.

Steve sighed and looked down. His tight black trousers giving away all of his anatomy.

“You need a girlfriend, Rogers…” He smiled sadly, feeling suddenly lonely. According to Nat, he had quite the fanclub at the agency, and still there he was, lusting over his best friend.

He closed his eyes again remembering how Bucky's lips felt against his, how his tongue massaged gently his own, how his arm wrapped tightly around his waist, how his long fingers pulled ever so softly on his hair. It didn’t last more than a few seconds, but they were a few seconds of heaven.

Steve groaned as he felt his body responding. He shuddered as his hand took will of its own and traveled down his chest, his stomach, and reached the zipper of his pants. He teased himself over the fabric as his head hit the door.

“You won't get off at Bucky… You won't get off at Bucky…” He repeated with every slam. “You sick psycho!“ It wasn't working. Both his hands were now groping his crotch.

Steve felt the heat grow inside his body like a tide. Sweat was forming again on his forehead and upper lip, his shirt was sticking to his flesh. Quickly, he peeled off his clothes as he made his way to the bathroom, leaving a trace behind.

He stepped into the shower and turned the water on. The cold hit his back and made him shudder, but it wasn't nearly enough to calm the fire that took over his groin. The water was getting warmer, it felt nice against his skin. Steve decided… closing his eyes again, he gave in to the impure thoughts of his friend.

He imagined the warmth caressing his skin was Bucky's body. He placed his hands on his torso, teasing his own nipples, imagining Bucky's mouth on them. Then they went lower, tickling his navel and stroking his hipbones, like feather kisses.

He finally reached his now painful erection, fingering it, teasing it. His mouth dropped open, making him choke with the water that fell in. Though he couldn’t care less. He wrapped his fist around his length and leaned his forehead against the tiles, allowing the water to hit his back. He started a slow pumping, grunts and gasps falling out of his mouth. He bit his lip, wondering if he was still alone in the room.

“Fuck!“ Steve muttered as his pace grew faster. In his mind, Bucky was doing all the work: His mouth wrapped around his throbbing member, or maybe his body writhing underneath his own, nails on his back. “Uuggh…” He groaned with his mouth wide open.

Steve pumped himself faster and harder now, feeling his knees grow weak. His balls tightened and his tummy tensed. He bit his lip again, fighting the urge to scream Bucky's name. Then, a wave came over him and his body trembled as he spilled on his hand and the shower floor. His legs weren't able to support him anymore and he had to kneel down on the cold tiles.

“Wow…” He gasped, trying to catch his breath.

Slightly lightheaded and his mind still full of Bucky’s image, Steve managed to wash himself, and stepped out of the shower not long after. The smile on his face was still evident when he walked out of the bathroom.

“Holy shit!“ He screamed and jumped at the sight of a male figure sitting on the bed. “You scared me!“ He said looking away.

“Geez!“ Bucky chuckled. “What took you so long in there?“ He joked as he started to take his clothes off. Steve faced him all flushed, grin fading away.

“Nothing!” He squealed, getting his sleeping clothes ready.

Bucky stared at him, and Steve purposely didn’t look back. With a shrug, Bucky got in the bathroom, leaving Steve alone with his thoughts. Thoughts of Bucky in the shower, thoughts of him joining Bucky in the shower, thoughts of Bucky against the cold tile wall, legs wrapped around his hips-

Steve ran to the mini bar and downed a couple of cocktails, trying to think of something else, anything that could take his mind off Bucky… He lied on the bed again and turned the TV on, he tried to focus on it, but his mind kept drifting back to Bucky and the kiss. Soon, too soon, he heard the shower turn off. Steve threw the covers over his head and stayed as still as he could while Bucky came out of the bathroom and got in bed, trying to fake being asleep.

“Steve?” Bucky said sitting on the other bed. “Steve, I know you’re still awake.” He chuckled, pulling on the covers.

Steve groaned. “Well, I almost wasn’t.” He uncovered his head, but refused to turn around.

Bucky sighed. “We need to talk about -”

Steve sat up. “No. No, we don’t. It was a mission, it was necessary.”

“Right…” Bucky gulped. “I just - I’m sorry, if it made you uncomfortable. I might have gotten a bit carried away.” He said solemnly, trying to hide his disappointment.

Steve looked at Bucky. “It’s fine, it was fine, it wasn’t -”

His face went hot as the images once again flashed in his head. It didn’t help that Bucky was sitting less than two feet away from him, wearing nothing but boxer shorts. His damp hair was sticking to his forehead, a few stray water droplets were sliding from his shoulders down to his chest. Steve saw himself licking those drops, wondering what would they taste like. With a heavy breath he shook his head.

Bucky cocked his head. “Steve, are you feeling okay?”

“Mmmhm.” Steve muttered, ready to roll over the bed and bury himself in it. But Bucky placed his hand on his knee.

“You don’t look okay.” Bucky said softly. “Talk to me? I don’t want it to be awkward between us after - that.”

A thousand things ran through Steve’s mind in half a second, but none made it to his mouth. He would be lying to Bucky, and to himself, if he didn’t admit he wanted to do THAT again.

“I can’t.” Steve said in a little voice. “I don’t know -” Bucky was confused and a bit hurt, and his face showed it. Not knowing what else to do, Steve leaned forward and pressed his lips to Bucky’s mouth.

Bucky was surprised to say the least, but accepted the kiss and let Steve decide the pace. The small gesture left them both panting.

“Okay, what was that?” Bucky placed a hand on his own chest, as if it would slow down his rampant heart.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything.” Steve finally admitted. “And that’s - scary.”

“Oh.”

Bucky sat straight, blinking repeatedly. He could not believe what was happening. After years of pining over his best friend, years of trying to suppress his feelings and move on, Steve was sitting right there, in front of him, endearingly confused and conflicted, admitting that maybe, maybe, there was a small chance that he loved him back.

“Can I kiss you?” Bucky said, cupping Steve’s chin. Steve just nodded.

Bucky leapt from his bed to Steve’s. Hand behind his head, he pulled him in for another kiss. Soft and slow, until he felt Steve relax. Bucky touched his face and his shoulders, played with the short ends of his hair, laced their fingers together. He didn’t want this to end, he wanted to kiss Steve for hours, nevermind how lightheaded he was.

But they needed air.

Steve was blushing like a schoolgirl when they parted, and he looked down at their joined hands sheepishly. Bucky waited for him to say anything, squeezing his hand, rubbing its back with his thumb.

“I am so sorry, Bucky.” Steve said, eyes still cast down. “I am so - confused right now. I don’t wanna lead you on and -”

“Steve, it’s okay.” Bucky said with a smile. “I know from experience how baffling is to suddenly - feel.”

“Especially things you’re not supposed to feel.” Steve muttered. Bucky’s grip on his hand slacked, and he panicked. “I don’t mean it like that!” He rushed to say, grabbing Bucky’s hand hard. “I mean - I’m happy it’s you. All in all, I’m happy that I feel this for you. Whatever this is.”

Bucky nodded. “We’ll figure it out. We’ll go as slow as you need.” He reassured him, bringing his hand to his lips and planting a chaste kiss on the palm.

Steve finally looked at Bucky, and smiled. The apprehension that held his stomach in knots was slowly melting.

“Could you just - hug me?” Steve asked, pulling on Bucky’s hand.

Bucky didn’t say anything. With a smile, he slid in Steve’s bed and hugged him to his chest. Steve sighed in relief, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s waist.

Notes