Monster

The ringing of my telephone broke me out of my daze. I was still sitting on the floor rubbing my collarbone and considering cleaning up the blood trail he’d left on my floor. It was late and I wasn’t expecting anyone to call. But I stood up and went to where my cellphone had been left on the kitchen counter. I’d set it down to make Steve’s tea and never picked it up again. My sister’s name flashed across the screen so I pressed accept and brought it to my ear.

“Hello?” I asked, clearing my throat.

“Is he still there? Short answers. No details,” I heard Tony respond.

“No.”

“Did he hurt you?” I hesitated.

“No.”

“Do you think he’ll be back tonight?”

“No.”

“Do you need my help?”

“No.”

“Alright… Let me know if you need me.”

“I will.”

“Goodnight. Keep safe.”

“You too.”

I hung up the phone and sat it back on the counter. Then I went to get a towel from the dryer in the alcove off of the kitchen. I came back and pulled a bucket out from under the sink, as well as the bleach. I poured a small amount into the bucket and stuck it under the faucet to fill with water. Then I sat down on the floor and tried to wipe away the blood. It left behind a smear of vibrant red. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“One, two, three, four,” I whispered.

Then I stood back up to get the bucket. Blood had never bothered me as a kid. Blood didn’t bother me when I was stitching Barnes’ arm. But now that it was all over my floor I felt a heaviness in my stomach and prayed I could get rid of that sticky sweet metallic scent that was heavy on the air.

It was all in my head, I reminded myself. I couldn’t smell the blood. I took another deep breath and counted all of the things I could smell. The bleach from the bucket, the scent of my shampoo, antiseptic cleansing wipes. No blood. I opened my eyes again and shut off the sink. Then I sat down on the floor beside the smear of blood.

“One, two, three, four,” I counted, and then I washed it away.

I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I saw blood and my fingers digging through flesh, feeling for arteries. Even though I hardly knew Steve my house felt warmer when he was there. So I paced back and forth in my bedroom as those shadows stood still on my walls. It was a windless night, but my old house still creaked and groaned. Every sound made my heart jump in my throat. Romanoff had called him a ghost, and my room was full of shadows.

I was too lost in my own thoughts to hear the motorcycle engine, so I jumped when I heard the front door close downstairs. But then I remembered that Barnes hadn’t made a sound at all. So it had to be Steve letting me know he was there. I heard him as he quickly checked my house. He always checked. Even when he promised he was supposed to appear comfortable and relaxed. It was in his nature to check and Barnes would have been surprised if he hadn’t. Then I heard his feet on the stairs and I resumed my pacing. I didn’t want him to see me standing there clutching my cardigan by the window like a timid deer.

“Hey, I thought you’d be asleep by now,” he said when he opened the door and stepped into the room. He was casual and I wondered if Stark had told him. He crossed the room, closer to where I was standing, and draped his light jacket on the chair I had set up beside the window. His shield came to rest beside it.

“I couldn’t sleep,” I told him as I passed the window. His eyes glanced around the room and then he focused on my clenched hands. I was breathing too quickly and his eyes met mine, but they were stern and focused.

“The kitchen smells like bleach,” he whispered. Then Steve the “boyfriend” disappeared and I saw Steve the First Avenger. He moved his hand out and pulled my hand away from my cardigan to reveal my shoulders. The scars on one side and the marks Barnes’ metal hand had left on the other. He looked up at me again.

“Why didn’t you call me?” he asked.

“I thought Stark would have,” I replied.

“Stark never tells me anything. Why does the kitchen smell like bleach?”

“He was injured. It was minor. At least what he allowed me to see was minor. I had to reset a broken wrist and managed to stitch most of another wound before he panicked and left.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t think he was ready to see you yet,” I told him. “He seems… afraid.”

“Of what?”

“He seems to be under the impression that you’re still his mission. And his tendency to overreact is… strong.”

“He hurt you.”

“I’ve had worse.”

His eyes flicked to my other shoulder where the scars from my bullet wound were still thick and visible. He stepped away from me so I pulled the cardigan back over my shoulders and moved toward the small bed so that I could pull the sheets back. I hated to admit that I felt safer with Steve in the house. It was natural to be scared of Barnes. If it had been any other kind of intruder I wouldn’t have been so afraid. But most intruders weren’t trained killers with super-human strength. If I couldn’t have anything more powerful than my voice and my sparkly pink knife, at least I had another person with super-human strength. Steve followed me and reached for the decorative pillow I had just picked up.

“You should have told me,” he whispered. “Regardless of what Stark did or said.” I turned around to face him so that we were only an inch apart in the darkness.

“Steve,” I said, just as quietly but with a more stern tone. “I don’t think he wants to speak to you just yet. Just let me handle it. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He’s obviously still got some bugs that need fixing. This won’t happen overnight.”

“And you think you’re the one to do it?”

“I think I’m the one he chose. And he must have chosen me for a reason. He still wants to kill you but he knows that he shouldn’t. He’s starting to piece things together. He came to me because he wants to know who he is. He approached me first because I appear as everything you wanted me to be. I’m ‘gentle.’ I’m safe. Let me handle it. Let it go until he’s ready to reach out to you. Do you understand?” He was breathing heavily through his nose. His lips were pinched shut but he kept his blue eyes on mine. Then he nodded once.

“Just promise me that I can trust you. He’s all I have left, Jo.” I had a feeling he wasn’t referring to the possibility of me harming Barnes. I had a feeling this had something to do with his distrust of SHIELD.

“You chose me for a reason too. I can handle it. I won’t let anything bad happen to him. Not if I can help it.”

“If he gets violent with you again… I want you to press the panic button. I’ll be here in half a second.”

“I know.” I turned back toward the bed and climbed in.

Notes

More good guy Steve! *Does ragtime dance. Jazz hands.*