Monster

I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. I was stupid for kissing him. It was the worst thing I could have done. I told him nothing could come from this. I told him there was no relationship between us, and then I’d gone and smashed my face into his lips like a lust driven animal.

To be fair, it was probably a lot like that. I hadn’t had sex in… well a really long time. And Bucky was attractive and I was human and the man had said exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

So I laid there in my bed clutching my pillow and wearing a half broken shirt. I was frustrated, angry with myself, and I couldn’t sleep if I was dead. Luckily I didn’t hear any more noises from Bucky’s room and I sincerely hoped that he hadn’t snuck away again. Although, I wouldn’t blame him if he did. But he promised to stay the weekend and I was going to see it through. It was still my job to make sure that he was okay. People were depending on me. Most importantly, Bucky was depending on me. And I didn’t want to be ruined because I’d stuck my tongue down his throat.

The morning came as a relief. I hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep and when I did sleep, it had been very brief and thankfully dreamless. I got out of bed as soon as I saw the sun on the horizon beyond the trees, and then I jumped in the shower to cool my head and try to gain focus of my ultimate goal. The problem was that I didn’t know what my goal was. It was exactly as Clara said, this wasn’t likely to last.

When I was done I toweled myself off and dressed in my weekend clothes. Then I stepped down the hall to knock on the guest room door.

“Bucky?” I asked.

“Yes?” his voice responded. Then I sighed in relief. He hadn’t snuck out on me after all.

“Can I come in?”

“Yes.”

I pushed the door open and found him sitting on the edge of the futon. He still wasn’t wearing a shirt and his hair was down and messy and falling in his face. I instantly regretted my decision to come in.

“Um…” I said as I rubbed my sore wrist. “I was thinking we could make breakfast. Normally I just have cereal, but I also don’t usually have guests. Steve hardly ever stayed for breakfast. So I thought we could make waffles. I can show you how to use the waffle iron. I’m sure that’s not a vital thing you need to learn. But my mom got it for me for my birthday.”

I was rambling and he knew that. He looked up at me and his eyes immediately zeroed in on my hand. Then he stood up and came to stand just before me. He took my hand into his right one and examined the marks.

“Does it hurt?” he asked.

“Just a little sore,” I admitted. “I’ll be fine. Why don’t you… take a shower and all that stuff? Steve left you some of his things. They’re in the bathroom already. I’ll just meet you downstairs when you’re ready.” He gave a quick nod and I hurried back to my bedroom.

While Bucky was showering I blew my hair dry and got ready for the day. I waited for him to leave the bathroom before I left my room. Just in case he was naked again. Luckily he wasn’t, and he was fully dressed in Steve’s clothes again. I smiled at him when we met in the hallway.

“So, waffles then?” I asked. He nodded and gave his almost smile.

“Waffles,” he agreed.

I led him back down to the kitchen and set up the waffle iron. I showed him how to mix the batter and then we teamed up to use the iron. Within a few minutes we had made a massive mess but he was almost smiling and that was all that mattered to me.

He seemed to really enjoy breakfast. To be honest he just seemed to enjoy food. More specifically, he enjoyed sweet food. He put away far more waffles than I could make and I tried to remind myself to remember so I could spoil him when I went grocery shopping.

Once we finished cleaning I convinced him to get into the car and drive with me for errands. I was mostly just afraid that he would sneak away if I left him at home alone. But he agreed to come, although he flat out refused to leave the car. So I quickly made my way into a clothing store, bought him a few basic shirts and things he would need. Then I rushed back out to the car to find him sitting in the passenger seat with his hood up and looking extremely uncomfortable in the growing heat. Luckily the windows were tinted and the air conditioner worked.

“I got you a few things you might need,” I told him as I turned to put the bag in the backseat. He was looking out the windows, watching people.

“Okay,” he replied.

“Alright. Groceries now. I know you don’t want to get out of the car but I also don’t know what kind of stuff you like.”

“I don’t have a preference.”

“You seem to like waffles.” I saw him give his almost smile as he gazed out the window.

“I like waffles,” he agreed. “And pizza.” I laughed and put the car in gear.

“Everyone likes pizza,” I reminded him.

I ended up choosing the most secluded mini-market I could think of. It was on a less crowded street with a lot of shade and trees. I didn’t think he was all that comfortable sitting in the car out front of a department store. But I figured the smaller store might make the trip quicker, so he wouldn’t have to wait too long.

I put the air conditioner on and left the radio on to drown out the silence and then I headed into the store. I made a quick trip through the aisles, picking as many sweets as I could without going over my budget. I wasn’t exactly an expert on dinners so I grabbed a few more easy things and frozen stuff I figured he might like.

When I was done I went back to the car across the street and began putting the bags into the trunk. I had to leave some on the curb so I didn’t drop them, and when I went to reach for a carton of milk I found a gloved hand already lifting it for me. I looked up and he was standing on the sidewalk with his hood up. I smiled, thankful that he’d finally gotten out of the car. Though I didn’t blame him for wanting to hide. I couldn’t be sure if we were being watched.

I reached for the milk and he lifted it to hand it over, but it slipped out of his hand and went crashing to the pavement, splattering milk all over us. I watched as he flexed his gloved fingers as if his hand was bothering him again.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he stared down at his fingers.

“It’s okay,” I replied. I reached for what was left of the carton and stuck it in the trunk with the last bag.

I considered going back for more milk but I wanted to talk to Bucky about his arm and most of it was salvaged anyway. So I closed the trunk and nodded for him to follow me to the car. He was quiet as we got seated.

“So what’s going on with your arm?” I asked. I watched him stretch it out and move his fingers a few times.

“It hasn’t been working the same,” he explained.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were having problems?”

“It’s getting worse. I don’t know how to maintain it. Sometimes I lose my grip. I can’t hold onto things. I didn’t say anything because I haven’t used it much.” I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to be rude, but that wasn’t entirely true.

“It seemed to work just fine last night. And that time in the kitchen,” I reminded him. His eyes flashed and narrowed dangerously. But he suppressed whatever emotion he was dealing with and stared down at me.

“If it was working just fine I would have snapped your bones,” he said slowly.

“I thought you were just being gentle.”

“It wasn’t made to be gentle. I don’t know how to be gentle.” I nodded and pressed my finger against the keypad to start the engine.

“I know someone who can fix it. I can call him if you’d like.”

“Who?”

“Tony Stark.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?” I asked as I pulled out onto the street.

“Because I know what I did to his family.” I slammed onto the breaks and made the car jerk violently. I had my arm over the back of the seat so I could see out the back window, but I focused on him now.

“You remember it?” He looked over at me and I could see the answer on his face.

“I found my files. I didn’t know their names. But I’m not just remembering Bucky’s life, Jo.” I sighed heavily and pulled back out onto the road.

“Well, that’s something we’re going to have to keep from Tony then, okay?”

“Probably a good idea.”

“Let’s get these groceries home before the ice cream melts.”

Notes

And THAT'S why Bucky dropped the plate in the earlier chapter. He wasn't afraid of Jo reprimanding him. He wasn't ready to tell her that his arm wasn't working properly. He didn't trust her enough then.

And that was another point that I wanted to make. Bucky's mind isn't blank. He's not just remembering his life 70 years ago. He's remembering everything that HYDRA did to him when he was awake too. His mind is scattered, because he's starting to piece things together.