Monster

I bought my house right after I got the job with SHIELD and had more money than I knew what to do with. I only did it because I thought it was what adults were supposed to do. And because I could afford to do it, and I figured it would be better than renting. In reality I just didn’t know how to survive in the civilian world. I was a soldier, and prior to that I was just a kid. They don’t exactly give you lessons about this stuff. And whatever college was supposed to teach me never happened. Clara went off to college and learned how to be an adult. I joined the army and learned how to identify wounds.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. The SHIELD recruitment had been a lucky break. I was referred by my higher officer in Special Forces. I was one of many to apply for the job. And then I took pride in my boringly average government job. I filed paperwork, despite having been trained in medicine, I knew how to shoot a gun, despite having never turned it on anyone. I knew how guns worked. I knew how to care for them. I knew how much a thrill it brought me when I went in for my weekly practice and hit the target. But shooting paper men is completely different.

The house had been a split-moment decision. I thought that was the next step after getting a job. It’s what my parents did when they left school. Clara still rented, of course, when she wasn’t with Stark, but that was in New York and sometimes California and it just made more sense for her lifestyle. So I bought the shoddy thing and lived on my own with no pets or boyfriends or pleasant neighbors.

That was the main reason they decided to keep me in my own house instead of putting me up in a temporary one. That and the fact that they no longer had SHIELD funding and the government would likely question why I left my house for no good reason. I had already established a life there. My neighbors didn’t know what I did for a living. They paid no attention to me. They paid so little attention that Captain America could walk down the street in his star spangled uniform and they still wouldn’t notice.

He was sitting at my kitchen table, luckily not in the star spangled uniform. He was picking at the wood grains that had been stained by several years of daily coffee spills. He wasn’t drinking the water I’d set down in front of him. I stood against the kitchen sink. The window overlooking the backyard was right behind me. I didn’t think Barnes had enough time to bug the place, if he even had that equipment anyway, but he’d be able to see me if he followed Rogers. I mostly just wanted to block the fact that Rogers and I hadn’t said a word.

He was a large man. I’d only seen him a few times since he showed back up again in New York and joined the Avengers Initiative. I saw him stalking around HQ a few times. I had only just met him the week before and this was the first time we’d ever been alone together.

“So,” I said quietly, as I gripped the sink behind me and tried to appear more comfortable with this strange, large man at my table. He had his back to the wall and didn’t seem at all relaxed. “Did I pass Wilson’s inspection?” He gave a short laugh and shook his head.

“You passed just fine,” he replied.

“Do you think I seem gentle enough? What was it Romanoff said? Fairy princess?”

“Well, you look… nice.” I stifled a laugh.

“You don’t have to flatter me, Rogers. I was joking. Steve. Sorry. It’s going to take me some time to get used to being on a first name basis with Captain America.”

“Unfortunately, we’re going to have to get used to it. Bucky will see right through our plan if you keep calling me Rogers.” I nodded and looked toward the fridge on the left side of my small kitchen. “So what do you prefer to be called? Jo? Jo-hanna? Jo-anna? Or is it Yo-honna? Yo-hanna?”

“Try not to overthink it. Technically it’s Yo-honna. But no one ever calls me that except my grandma. Jo is fine. I think Romanoff decided Jo was the least threatening. That’s what my family calls me.”

“But what do you prefer?” I cut my eyes to him again and shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter. He’ll probably see right through this anyway.”

“Why do you say that?” He looked up at me with a concerned expression. He was looking a bit better than he had the week before. His hair wasn’t a mess, and the dark circles under his eyes weren’t as pronounced. The cuts were healing quickly.

“You’ve been to war, Steve. You know what it does to people. You know what it’s like when you come home and everything is different. Whether it’s been four years or seventy. Nothing will ever be the same. You can read it on people. You can just tell.” He pressed his fingers against his strong chin and focused on the wood table again.

“Yeah, but I’m hoping he either doesn’t recognize it or he attributes it to something else.”

“I’m sure I can come up with a tragic enough back story.”

“Just make sure you tell me what it is so I don’t get caught off guard.” We both smiled again, and then I turned to look at him with narrowed eyes.

“So why’d you send Wilson to come talk to me?” I asked him. “He said you wanted to give me some tips. But then he just sort of told me a shortened version of your friendship with Barnes and ate a bunch of french-fries.” He laughed.

“This mission isn’t going to be easy,” he explained as he rubbed his eyes and leaned back in the chair, making it creak against his weight. “And I don’t know you well enough to know how you’re going to do. Sorry for that.”

“It’s fine.”

“I just wanted to be sure you could handle the situation delicately. I heard about your incident with the… the pink knife. I just don’t think that’s the right approach to take with Bucky. And I don’t know if it was instinct or…” I looked down at the linoleum floor and shifted my feet.

“You’re actually worried that I’m too dangerous.” I almost laughed. I shook my head instead. “It was instinct. That time. But it could have been worse. Remember I had a gun on me too. It was self-defense. I handled it the best way I knew how.”

“I’m not talking about the incident with HYDRA. I’m referring to the incident with Agent Harman.” I nodded slowly and crossed my arms.

“Agent Harman was my boyfriend. And he was HYDRA. I didn’t attack him unprovoked. He shoved me into the refrigerator. The knife was all I had. I mean… I could have kicked him out without having to use it, but I think he deserved it.” He smiled and for once it seemed genuine.

“I just don’t know what will set Bucky off. He might get dangerous and he might view a knife as an attack, regardless of your reason for pulling it out. It’s not that I don’t want you to defend yourself. I just don’t want you to get killed. Alerting Stark is the safest way to go about it.” I nodded quickly.

“Understood. I’ll keep the knife in check. I’m smart enough to know I can’t go up against Robocop. I’ll call for help like a good girl.” He didn’t seem to find that funny, but he didn’t say anything about it. Or maybe he just didn’t know what Robocop was. “Anyway, are you going to be comfortable sharing a bed with me? I was going to make you a bed on the couch but Romanoff said…”

“I can sleep on the couch. It won’t be a problem.”

“That’s not what I’m asking. Romanoff seems to think it will blow our cover if you sleep on the couch. I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable. You’re hardly the first captain I’ve had in my bed… That was a joke. I was trying to make you relax. But Romanoff also said you’re a little outdated with your sense of humor too.” He smiled and relaxed back into the chair again. He folded his hands on the table in front of him, still appearing proper and poised and therefore uncomfortable.

“My sense of humor is just fine,” he said. “It’s an edgy situation. I know he won’t come back tonight, if he does at all. I just don’t like putting someone else’s life in danger for the sake of a lie.” I bit my lip and looked down at my bare feet again.

“So you must have really loved him, huh?” I asked. He glanced at me again.

“He was my best friend. He was there for me when I thought I had no one else. He was my brother, and he’s all I have left.” I nodded slowly.

“What about your friends? What about Wilson and Romanoff?”

“I’m ninety five years old. I don’t exactly ‘fit in.” I snorted a laugh. He was older than my grandparents and he was sitting in my kitchen pretending to be my boyfriend with the face of a lovable puppy dog. “He’s my brother,” he continued seriously. “Not by blood but in every other way.” I gave another nod.

“I understand. My sister never had to pull me out of any fights… but she did kill a chitauri with a staple remover once.” He nodded and his eyebrows rose.

“I heard the story. Very impressive.”

“You don’t think Barnes will find out about her, do you?”

“No, your sister is with Stark. She’s safer than anyone.”

“Do you think this will actually work?”

“I’m not sure yet. How about you?” I took a moment to answer the question.

“I don’t know either of you well enough to have an answer. All I know is that when I did… if I… were to lose my memory and not know who I was. I would want to talk to the person who did.” He nodded thoughtfully. “I’m going to bed, Steve. It’s small but you probably weren’t going to get much sleep anyway.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Probably not.”

Notes

Oh my god! I know this is still a Bucky-less chapter but he will be here soon.

But anyway good things have happened in regards to this story. I've just been going through some chapters and doing some edits and adding details, fixing plotholes, and what not. Well yesterday I ended up adding like 4 new chapters. And I had been kind of on the fence about the ending because it didn't sit right with me. But now because of these unexpected new chapters, I have the ending completely figured out. And Oh my god. Even a possible sequel or epilogue. (Probably an epilogue at this point. Don't hold me to a sequel. It's too soon to tell.) BUT IT'S GOING TO BE SUPER AWESOME AND I'M SO EXCITED.

That is all. Continue about your business.