The Deepest Longing

Lilly awoke feeling exhausted. She and Loki had gone to bed angry. Somehow in their sleep they had both managed not to brush up against each other at all in the slightest. Being bereft of his touch all night is turning out to be one hell of a punishment, intended or not. Lilly looks down at her skin and sees how pale blue it is and realizes she’s in trouble.
“Loki. Loki wake up.” Lilly says sounding weak and listless. Loki stirs and opens his eyes to look at her. He sees her condition and immediately sits up. Loki leans down over top of her to kiss her. But it is neither sweet nor passionate, but biting and wrathful. When he is done he tears his lips away from her, resenting her. Loki gets up and marches into the shower. Lilly lays there in bed and cries. The fight they’d had last night had been horrible; full of insults and cruelty from them both. He brings out the worst in her and she can’t get away from him. This is only day 3 of her prison sentence.
Lilly remembers that Emily and Steven are coming to visit her today and she perks up. She gets up and picks through her clothes to decide what she will wear today. After she has had a chance to shower, dress, and eat Lilly sits down with her drawing pad and pencils and starts sketching. After drawing one of the chairs, the bed, and the table, Lilly finally focuses on the only other person in the room. Loki is sitting in one of the chairs reading a book. He barely moves except to turn a page, and Lilly realizes that he is a perfect model for sketching. She starts out noting his angles, his size, the way the light is hitting his eyes as they are cast downward at his book reading. She notices his beautiful face, sculpted muscles and long lean legs. He is graceful, even when he is still.
Lilly thought Loki was beautiful the first time she ever laid eyes on him, but she hadn’t dared to let herself think any more than a surface thought of appreciating his body at the time. He was a criminal after all. Still is. Lilly thinks about Thor. They are brothers and yet so incredibly different in every way. She can’t help but wonder what the hell happened to make Loki Loki while Thor became Thor.
She finishes her first sketch of him and is not satisfied. While the sketch looks like him, it also doesn’t. The image she drew shows an arrogant man, an angry man, and a sinister man. All of these things describe Loki accurately and yet it does not portray the man currently sitting in the chair. She tries again. This time when she draws him the image gives an air of contemplation and calm, but this too is wrong. Lilly stares at Loki for a long time. Neither drawing nor speaking. Something in Loki’s posture strikes a chord in Lilly and suddenly realizes what her drawing is missing. Vulnerability.
She starts again and when she is done what she sees on paper and what she sees before her are matched to perfection. The sadness radiating from the page is heart wrenching. Lilly gets up and puts her things away and sits down in the other chair opposite Loki. Loki has felt Lilly’s eyes on him for the past several hours and has been wondering what she has been thinking. Looks like Lilly is about to satisfy his curiosity.
“You and I are going to play a game now.” Lilly says to Loki. Loki’s eyes flit up to look at her. Good. I have his attention.
“Oh, and what game would that be?” Loki says silkily.
“Quid pro quo. I tell you something, and then you tell me something. Something about ourselves, our history, where we come from, and how in the hell we ended up in the cell together. I’ll go first.” Lilly says.
It is slow going at first. Lilly starts out with basic stuff like where she was born, the names of her family, and where she went to school. Loki starts out evasive, inserting snide little insults with each bit of information he doles out. But as time drags on Loki starts giving Lilly details of his life she had not previously known, including the incident that destroyed the Bifrost and Loki’s fall into the void. Lilly could tell she was on the verge of some kind of breakthrough with Loki when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs into the dungeon.
Thor, Steve, and Emily all coming marching down the stairs straight to their cell. Emily practically screams and breaks into a run when she sees Lilly, her arms out as if to hug her. She stops right in front of the magical glass keeping them contained. Emily always loved to press her nose up against the glass at the zoo and the aquarium, but this time she resists the urge. Thor must have clued her in on the little shock she would receive if she did. Emily and Lilly look very much alike, though Emily seems like less pretty and slightly taller version of Lilly. Her hair is much shorter too, cut in a bob. Emily has tears in her eyes.
“Oh my God baby girl, I’m so sorry. I wish I could get you out of here! I have missed you so much. Everyone at home is sick with worry over you. What little hair dad had left went completely white and mom can’t stop crying. Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.” Lilly sobs. “Please stop crying. If you cry I will cry.” Tears stream down Lilly’s face. It’s too late. Both women are crying openly. Steve Rodgers looks on quietly, suddenly feeling awkward and unwelcome. He looks past Lilly to Loki who is glaring right back at him. Steve scowls.
Emily and Lilly talk and cry for several minutes before Lilly even acknowledges that Steve is even there. “Steve! I’m so sorry. I completely ignored you. How is everyone?”
“Everyone is fine; they all want to know how you are. I came to make sure that you are being treated well and are well cared for.” Steve’s eyes drift to Loki with the unasked question on his lips, how is he treating you?
Lilly is quiet for a moment as she weighs how to respond to Steve’s question. She knows if she answers him in a way he does not like he may try to do something stupid, like break her out of prison. As incredible as Captain America is, he hasn’t got a chance of succeeding. “They are treating me very well here. Loki is seeing to my pregnancy needs and I have music and drawing supplies to keep me busy.”
Steve lights up at the mention of drawings. He draws as a hobby himself. He asks her if he can see them and she grabs her sketch pad and holds it up for the three visitors to view. Steve tries to keep his face impassive as she shows him the sketches of Loki. The first one looks very menacing even though he is just seated reading a book.
“How is he treating you?” Steve asks her quietly.
“We fight like newlyweds.” Lilly says lightly, but the tiredness and sadness in her eyes betrays her.
“Has he laid his hands on you? Has he hurt you?” Steve asks in a low and serious voice.
“No Steven. He hasn’t. We have had some pretty awesome screaming matches though. I’m not going to lie. It has been hard.” Lilly swallows hard as she tries to fight back more tears.
“What about other things? Has he taken advantage of you?” Steve asks looking like a kicked puppy dog, afraid of what Lilly’s answer will be.
“No I have not, not that the inner workings of our marriage bed are any of your concern.” Loki says briskly as he moves to stand behind his wife.
“If you hurt her I’ll…”
“You’ll what? Yell at me more. If you try to break in here to beat me up you’ll only succeed in earning yourself a cell of your own.” Loki says haughtily.
Thor interjects at this point, trying to calm the situation. He reminds the Captain of terms of Loki sentence and assures him that Lilly’s health is being closely monitored by healers at all times. Emily glares at Loki, secretly hoping the Captain will try to break in and beat him up anyway. This psychotic dick head needs a good ass whipping. She glances back at Lilly and notices how pale and exhausted she looks.
“Lilly are you okay?” Emily asks, interrupting the exchange of insults and glares being tossed back and forth between the men.
Loki crouches down and cups his thumb under Lilly’s chin to tilt her gaze up towards him. All the crying and stress is going taking its toll. She is about to collapse. Quickly Loki pulls Lilly up from the kneeling position she was in on the floor and pulls her in for one of his feeding kisses. The last couple of days Loki’s kisses have been resentful and brisk, but this one is gentle and lingering. Lilly realizes that Loki is putting on a show as one of his hands meanders down her back and cups her ass. Lilly considers pushing away but as his breath fills her she can only bring herself to wrap her arms around his neck and suck him dry. She needs this so badly, this… whatever it is he is feeding her. His brief kisses have been far too short and unsatisfying for this strange hunger within her body. Her skin turns from white to pale blue to cerulean.
Loki’s cerulean slowly fades as he starts to resemble a withered husk. Finally he shoves her off him. She’ll kill him if she takes anymore out of him. Loki lurches over to one of the chairs and plops down, exhausted and drained. “You can see Captain, who is taking advantage of who here. You needn’t concern yourself with the welfare of MY wife.”
What. The. Fuck. For a man who professes to hate her and has told her repeatedly how unworthy she is, he certainly is acting rather possessive of her. Jealously so.
Lilly turns her attentions back to her sister, Steve, and Thor as her skin slowly resumes its natural paler. The three of them wrap up the visit with well wishes, requests for items from Lilly’s home, and selection on who should get to visit her next. Thor isn’t sure when the next visit will be. He has to discuss this with his father.
The three visitors finally leave and Loki and Lilly are once again alone with each other’s company. They stare at each other in silence for a moment each forming questions behind their eyes.
“Why did you do that?” Lilly asks.
“Do what?”
“You know what. The kiss. You put on a show.” She accuses.
“Yes, I rather enjoyed making your one time would be lover jealous. I found it to be very entertaining.” Loki hisses.
“Why? Why do you care about making Steve jealous? It’s not like you care one way or the other about my feelings towards you?” Lilly is fishing. Loki is the one that acted jealous and possessive.
“You are my wife and mother of my child and I will not have another man actively courting you openly in front of me!” Loki yells as he bolts from his chair and steps up to Lilly, their noses practically touching. Well his chin anyways. She’s so damn short.
“Is that your only reason for being jealous?” Lilly says in a whisper as she peers up at him. Her eyes searching his face for any sign of caring, any sign at all of emotional attachment. For the briefest of moments she sees it. His eyes for a brief second soften to betray an intense and terrible longing. His look is one of desperation and need. But in a flash it is gone, replaced by a cool mask of indifference. Lilly is not fooled however. I see you jackass. You do care.
Loki doesn’t answer her. He simply turns away and resumes reading his book, pretending to ignore her. Alright asshole, you want to play the silent game, I can too. Lilly regards Loki as she formulates a plan to get the stubborn prick to show his feelings for her. Their little question/question session earlier had been going well, but Lilly knows it will be a while, maybe days, before Loki will agree to another session of that. He seems to respond best to physical and visual stimulation. Certainly her dancing elicited a response she had not intended. The dance moves she has been doing haven’t even been overtly sexual, from her point of view anyway.
I can put on a show too, thought Lilly.

Notes