The Deepest Longing

Loki is laying in his bed, the picture of serene calm, on the outside. On the inside, however, is a silent torrent, a scream unable to escape. It has been almost 2 weeks since his free will was taken, and much to Loki’s internal horror, his defenses. His shields are down. Under the power of the spear Loki has been unable lie. Unable to lie to others and unable to lie to himself. There are personal truths Loki was not ready to know. At first he’d had a bit of fun with Thor. Fucking with his non-brother’s head. Loki had felt the desire rolling off him while he slept. Thor must have been having one hell of a dream that night for Loki to feel sexual desire coming from Thor for him. He hadn’t been required to act, he hadn’t been commanded by Thor to pleasure him, and that had made it all the more fun when the big oaf awoke to Loki’s touches. Serves the asshole right for enslaving my mind like this. That Thor had given up trying to control him had been an unexpected bonus.
When Loki realized that Thor was conceding control of him to some tiny human mortal girl, Loki had been ecstatic. Maybe this idiot girl would say or do something that would give him the opportunity to take control of his own mind and body back. The will of the one that wields the spear must be more powerful than the person being controlled in order for it to work. This meek little girl will be no match for him, was what Loki had thought. But everything turned to shit that very first night.
When Loki felt Lilly’s desire for a family, for a child seep into his mind, he’d felt joy. Joy? What the fuck? I want to please her. No I don’t. That worthless little mortal girl has power over me and I hate her. Giving her a child will please me. What! No.No.No.NO.NO.NO! I don’t want to breed with her! I am lonely and want to start over. I DON’T NEED ANYBODY and I sure as hell am not SORRY! Yes I am. I’ve been behaving like a petulant child because I have no purpose and I’m not good enough for my own family. Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! She is my master and it will please her. Let someone else fuck her then. I don’t want another touching her. She is beautiful. She is mine. Our child will be beautiful. No! Stop! Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare fuck her! What are you doing? Don’t go in there! Don’t go in there! No No. I don’t want to do this. Wake up! Wake up you dumb bitch! My master is perfect…..
But Loki did go into Lilly’s room that night. He’d been tender and gentle and considerate, and when he finished the horror of everything he’d done hit him. Betraying Thor, yelling at his father, destroying Jotunnheim, the Chitauri, the destruction of New York City, and the deaths of all the people in this city. He wants to take all of it back, and he can’t. He didn’t even want to rule Midgard. He just wanted his father’s approval. He just wanted to have purpose again. Without the goal of winning the throne, what purpose is there for a magic wielding non-warrior second born adopted prince? Worst of all, he has bred a half human/half Jotunn child with the pathetic mortal that is using his spear to control him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Knock knock. Lilly sits up in her bed. The little clock on the side table says it is 6:12 a.m. No doubt everyone in the tower had trouble sleeping last night. She answers the door to find Thor standing there. “We must speak.” He says somberly. “May I enter?” Lilly gestures for Thor to enter her room. He stands there awkwardly for a moment until she tells him to go ahead and have a seat on the bed. There aren’t any chairs in this room. “My lady Lillian, I must apologize to you. This is all my fault. You were brought into this because I lacked the courage to take care of my responsibility in Loki. You have suffered because of my inactions and I am filled with regret.” Lilly is about to comfort Thor and tell him it’s okay and not his fault, but Thor stops her. “There’s more, and I am afraid you may suffer yet more consequences because of what has transpired here. First there is your health and that of your child. Loki said that you were in distress last night, and after he touched you it was made clear that you benefited from his healing ministrations, making both you and the baby healthy, at least for a time. The reason I bring this up is under the law in Asgard, that child in your womb is a person, a citizen of Asgard. The only person in Asgard with the authority to end your pregnancy for safety reasons is Lady Eir, our head healer. If you try to end this child yourself, you would be brought up on charges of murder.”
Lilly’s eyes go wide. She’s about to lay into Thor about Earth women and Earth laws and Earth rights when Thor continues, “There’s more. The way in which you became pregnant, was unconventional. Because you had control of Loki’s free will at the time of the incident, the argument can be made that the rape that transpired was not committed against you, but against Loki. Assaulting a prince of Asgard in such a way is punishable by death. Your situation is very precarious. Moreover, you carry an heir in line to the throne of Asgard within your womb. For this child to be born a bastard is scandalous and untenable. My father will demand that you be brought before him to decide what is to be done with you.”
Lilly breaks out in a cold sweat. “I am the victim here not Loki!” She cries. “He did this to me. I never asked for this! How can you say all those horrible things to me? It’s not fair. I did nothing wrong!” Lilly slaps Thor in the face and he takes it. She continues slapping and punching him until her hands hurt too much and she has to stop. Thor doesn’t even show the hint that a bruise might be forming anywhere. God! Can’t you at least give me that! Lilly storms out of her bedroom to the kitchen. Thor follows her there when she turns round on him. “You’re right! This is all your fault! Take the spear back! I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I want to go home! I want to go home!”
“Hey, hey what is going on here? Lilly, honey, calm down. It’s going to be okay.” Jane tries to console her. “NO it’s NOT! Thor just told me that I raped Loki and that I don’t have the right to choose and that if I try to end the pregnancy then it is murder and I can be brought up on charges in Asgard which if they execute me for raping LOKI then I won’t have to worry about the fact that my baby is a bastard in line for the throne! Oh dear Gods how scandalous! Fuck the throne! Fuck Loki! And Fuck you! It’s not going to be okay!”
Anyone in the tower that was still asleep is awake now. Tony, Steve, Clint, and Natasha all appear from various hallways and corners in their pajamas. Everyone is quiet and stares at her. Lilly is about to tell the rest of them to fuck off too, when she feels an arm snake around her waist and turn her. She feels a cool wiry strong arm in the small of her back and another hand cradling her head. She’s pressed into Loki’s body, being held like a small child against his much larger frame. She looks up into his blue face and red eyes that have a slight blue glow just around the edges. “Please do not distress yourself so, you are making yourself sick.” Loki says to her softly. His eyebrows are furrowed in concern and his fingers are laced through her hair. He bends down and kisses her. Loki’s kiss is energetic. His scent is intoxicating to Lilly and there is a strange taste in Loki’s mouth that Lilly’s body craves. It tastes strangely metallic and suddenly Lilly realizes she’s starving! A large pizza topped with sausage, mushrooms, and metal shavings sounds divine! Lilly starts kissing Loki back with a passion, desperate to suck the very life force out of his body. Everyone stares on as Lilly reaches up both of her hands and interlaces them in Loki’s hair. Then her skin starts to turn blue. For a split second everyone thinks that he is killing her, that she is hypothermic, but then she turns even bluer. Loki, by contrast is starting to resemble a dried husk. His skin is turning a lighter sky blue and it becomes apparent that the one in distress is not Lilly, it is Loki.
Loki’s knees start to buckle and the group reaches out to separate the two. Hisses from various members of the group are heard as frostbite greets the hands of any that touch the bare skin of Loki…and Lilly. Loki collapses into Thor’s arms and he carries his brother over to the couch. Lilly is pulled back and when she does she exhales a cold foggy breath into the room. The blue in her skin quickly fades once contact is broken. Steve asks Lilly is she is alright. “I feel better.” She whispers.
Breakfast is made and eaten quickly. Lilly eats an odd selection of food to include pickled herring, Cheetos, mint ice cream, with brick dust she scratched off on of the bricks in the living room. Nobody had the stomach to watch her eat. Loki remains crashed on the couch for a couple more hours recuperating.
Tony had stayed up late last night working on the transport device. He believes it is ready and wants to run tests today with Thor and Banner before handing it over. Steve lets the group know that Nick Fury has been apprised of the situation with Loki and is on his way to Stark Tower. When Nick arrives Thor debriefs him of the situation, including the legal entanglements in which Lilly finds herself. Nick’s gut reaction is to tell the blonde god to go to hell. That there is no way he would let her get hauled up in front of his father for judgment of a crime that was not her doing.

Notes

Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. Had a bit of writer's block. Had to be very careful about how I worded Loki's private thoughts because he's still the angry crazy bag of cats Bruce says he is. Next chapter Loki gets to speak his mind and say some messed up stuff that earns him that nifty gag we all got to see at the end of Avengers. Let me know what you think!