Good Man

James’ first appointment is pretty much spent in silence. Most of the hour he looks forward, staring directly through me. His gaze is unfocused and distant; a gaze I’m all too familiar with.

“The thousand-yard stare,” I say, breaking the silence. He just looks at me, gaze still blank.

“Hm?” He hums.

“It’s a phrase coined to describe the blank, limp look in a battle-weary soldier’s eyes,” I explain, “as a psychiatrist I also see it in patients that have post-traumatic stress disorder. But then again, what soldier doesn’t have PTSD?”

“It sounds like you’ve seen this before,” he states, “like you’ve seen everything.”

“I’ve seen a lot James,” I explain in a soft voice, “but that doesn’t mean things still can’t shock me or that I’ll get bored with you. I’m here til the end.”

His eyes widen at my last statement, “what did you say?”

“I’m here til the end?” I question, “does that phrase hold meaning to you?”

“Ste--- Captain Rogers told me something like that once,” he replies, “he was bloody and beaten because of me, yet he still said that.”

“You guys were once friends,” I inform him, “great friends to be honest. I’m sure both of you said something similar to each other all the time.”

“I don’t remember,” he licks his lips, “I know I know him, deep down I do, but I can’t remember from where.”

“Hydra did some pretty horrible things to you,” I sigh, slowly getting up from my chair and walk around my desk; taking a seat beside him. “They wiped everything you know and once knew away each time you did a mission for them. There are chunks of your life missing, James. It’s understandable to be confused and lost. But we will get that man you once were back, he may be broken but we’ll get him and your memories back.”

“What if I don’t want to remember?” He asks.

“I can understand why you wouldn’t.” I sigh, taking his hand in my own. “But trust me, remembering is always better than being lost at sea. The memories may hurt a lot but it’s better than not knowing at all. Once you remember, you then can move forward with your life and live your life without Hydra’s influence.”

“The man I was isn’t going to like what I’ve done.” His voice small, his body language vulnerable.

“I know,” I say, sighing. “But we’ll work on him, I promise.”

“I wouldn’t make promises that I won’t be able to keep.”

“It’s a good thing I keep all my promises, no matter what.” I smile at him, just as there is a knock on the door. “I think your ride is here.”

“Times up?” He asks, slowly getting out of the chair.

“Until tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow Miss Dugan.” He says, forcing a smile onto his lips.

“Please, call me Erin.”

“Erin.” He tries it out before opening the door, revealing Steve and Sam. The two soldiers look at me, Steve nods his head while Sam walks in just as James walks out; closing the door behind him.

“How was the session?”

“Typical,” I reply with a shrug as Sam sits down next to me, “spent a good chunk of the hour in silence.”

“Thousand-yard stare?”

“Of course, he’s damaged Sam; there is no doubt about it.”

“But is he worth saving?” He asks, “can you bring him back?”

“Only time will tell,” I reply, “he’s not like Ben if that’s what you’re wondering about.”

“He came by again?”

“Last night,” I reply, “it’s fine; you don’t have to worry about him.”

“This man put you in a damn hospital, Erin!” Sam exclaims, “Of course I’m going to worry about you. You’re like a little sister to me.”

“Sam, I’m fine.” I assure him, “Ben isn’t going to come back into my life any time soon.”

“I know.” He sighs, “can’t help but to worry about you, you know?”

“You’re a good friend, but I don’t need a knight in shining armor anymore; I can take care of myself.”

“When is your next appointment with Barnes?” He asks, changing the subject.

“Tomorrow,” I reply, “why?”

“Just wondering,” he shrugs, “staying here or going to the museum?”

“Staying here,” I state, “I’m not taking him anywhere until I can get that man to talk.”

“Good luck on that,” Sam chuckles, “Steve has known him his whole life, he still won’t talk. The man is broken, like you said, it’ll be a miracle for him to turn back to normal…”

Notes