Love The One You're (NOT) With

Loki stares at Thor from his hiding place. The revelation Sif had given him had been too much for him to process. He’d fled his own bed chamber and used one of his spells to turn himself invisible. How many people knew about this? And Thor? How will he face him? Is this all some elaborate trick? A revenge on Loki for all the tricks he’s pulled over the years? Something tells Loki it most definitely is not, but he must know. Loki used one of his spells to walk through the walls into Thor’s bedchamber undetected, and waited. Thor came bursting into his bedchamber and immediately started packing his travel bag. Where the hell is he going?

Thor grabs a set of ceremonial clothing and stuffs it into his bag like a waded up used tissue. His hands are visibly trembling. He rakes his hands over his face and paces back and forth a couple times before plopping down on the edge of his bed weeping. His head is in his hands. Loki watches on in horror. It’s true. Everything Sif said is true. Loki has never seen Thor shaken like this. Thor’s eyes are bloodshot from crying as he starts muttering his brother’s name.

“…Loki, Loki, Loki, Loki…..” Thor stands back up and continues packing his travel bag. Loki sees the clear distress and anguish on Thor’s face and realizes for the first time that his brother is madly in love with him. How did he not see it all these years? How long has Thor felt this way?

Loki then wonders how he feels about all this, about Thor. Loki shakes his head. It doesn’t matter how either of them feels. It is incest and against the law. Even if Loki reciprocated Thor’s love, they could never have each other. Not only would it be incest, but two men lying with one another is unheard of in Asgard. Loki has heard stories of such couplings in other realms, but here in Asgard it simply does not exist. No warrior would dare allow anyone reason to call their strength and manliness into question. Being ergi may not be illegal, but it isn’t considered acceptable either. Loki forces a part of himself to emotionally shut down. He doesn’t dare entertain the thought of wanting something he can never have.

‘Do I want Thor the way he wants me? No. STOP! Do not think such things. That way lays madness and heartache. It is only heartache if I love him too. Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!’ Loki tries to quiet his mind but the rush of thoughts keeps coming. He has to get out of here.
Loki uses his magic to walk back through the walls and into his own bedchambers. Sif having long gone, Loki finds himself alone with his thoughts, and they are getting worse. Thor was between the legs of arguably the most beautiful woman in Asgard and all he could think about was Loki.

‘Thor lusts for me. Thor finds me beautiful, more beautiful than Sif. More beautiful than any woman. And he loves me, more deeply than any woman has ever loved me, of that I’m certain. I wonder what it would feel like to let him touch me that way….’

Loki suppresses the urge to scream. He knows that if he did it would get Thor’s attention and then the massive blonde god would come running to his rescue. Loki thinks about all the other times Thor came running to his rescue, both in the sparing arena and in battle. Loki always resented Thor for it. It is insulting to any warrior to have another constantly step in to assist even when help is not needed. It always made him feel weak and unworthy of his warrior prince status. Looking back on it now, Thor wasn’t acting like some big brother showing up his little brother, but like a would be lover protecting his intended.

“Stupid oaf.” Loki mutters. Loki begins pacing his own room when he hears a knock at the door. It is one of the guards.

“Their Majesties request your presence in the throne room my Prince.” Guard states reverently.

“The King and Queen both? What is this about?” Loki feels a wave of ice curl down his spine and into his gut.

“I know not my Prince. Please follow me.” The guard turns and Loki follows behind him, his mind is racing. Loki has no idea what this is about, but is afraid it may have to do with the new revelations about Thor. He prays it does not.

Loki heart sinks into his stomach as he sees Thor and Lady Sif also being escorted to the throne room by guardsmen.

‘Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Fuck! Fucking Thor! Why do these things always happen to me?’

The doors to the smaller audience throne room swing open and the three of them are ushered inside. Loki, Sif, and Thor stand facing King Odin and Queen Frigga. Thor speaks for the three of them.

“Father, Mother, you summoned us.” Thor states formally.

“Yes my son we have. Heimdall has brought to our attention a situation most grave, but refuses to give us the details. He says you and the Lady Sif had a very serious quarrel and that Loki is somehow involved. I thought to brush it off and let the three of you settle your differences amongst yourself, but Heimdall said that it was a matter involving the future of the throne and of the realm, and that my guidance was….required.” Odin’s last word hung in the air like an accusation. Heimdall has always kept the things he sees to himself, unless treason is being committed.

“Please tell us my son, what troubles you.” Frigga says gently. It is still obvious that Thor has been crying. Thor shifts uncomfortably as more unshed tears glaze his eyes. He looks down at his shoes for answers and does not speak. Sif breaks the silence.

“My Queen…” Sif starts and stutters, “…Thor, Loki, and I are involved in a…..in a bit of a… love triangle.”

“I see.” Odin says. “So tell me Lady Sif, which of my sons do you choose?”

Sif now shifts uncomfortably before answering. “My King, you misunderstand…I….I am…..the odd one….out.” She gulps audibly and looks to her shoes as well. Understanding slowly dawns on Odin as he looks first at Thor (who is crying) and then at Loki (who is blushing and looking everywhere but at his father.)

“Oh…..I see.” Odin says. “Thank you Lady Sif, you are dismissed.” Odin excuses her and she has to suppress her desire to run from the room like a jilted bride. A knowing look passes between Frigga and her husband, a silent conversation only the two of them can understand.

“Thor my son, come with me. We shall speak on the matter.” Frigga walks towards Thor and takes her son’s hand into hers before guiding him out of the throne room like a small child.
Loki suddenly finds himself alone with his father and though none of this is his fault, he can’t help but fear that he will somehow be blamed for all of this.

“Father, I didn’t know, I swear. I didn’t know Thor felt that way about me and was only just informed today not a few min….”

“Be still my son. I am not angry with you.” Odin stands and walks to Loki. “Loki, the time has long passed that I should tell you something. A secret, about yourself, about who you are…..and where you come from.” Odin says with a heavy heart.

“What do you mean?” Loki all but whispers as dread curls into his chest.

“Come with me to the weapons vault. There is something I must show you.”
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Frigga guides Thor to her private audience room, where she usually entertains the ladies of the court with tea times and luncheons. Thor is fighting to keep himself from sobbing openly.

“It is alright my son, let it out. Tell your mother what is in your heart without fear of judgment or punishment.”

“I LOVE HIM!” Thor yells. “I cannot breath, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. I cannot think of anyone but him. I tried mother, I tried to love Sif. I tried to be the man you expect me to be, but I can’t hide this anymore. I’m in love with my own brother. I know it’s wrong. I know I can never have him, not the way that I want. Please forgive me…forgive me, I’m such a monster.” Thor plants his face in his mother’s lap and sobs hard.

Frigga runs her hands through his hair soothingly, shushing him, and telling him it will be alright. Thor cries for a solid hour before he finally runs out of tears. Frigga offers him a drink for his parched throat.

“Thor, do not despair my son. All is not lost. There is still hope for you and Loki.” Frigga consoles him.

“How? How is there hope for me? It is incest. It is forbidden. And even if it weren’t, we are both men and could never be together. Loki cannot give me an heir.” Thor looks at his mother with astonished yet hopeful eyes.

“Thor, there is something I need to tell you about Loki.”
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Loki puts The Casket of Ancient Winters down into its cradle and watches as the blue skin recedes back to pink. Loki turns to his father.

“It’s true. I didn’t want to believe it. Now I know why you favored Thor over me all these years!”

“No Loki, that is not true! I love you, the same as Thor.” Odin insists.

“Why do you tell me this now? For what purpose? You took me for a purpose. What was it?” Loki screeches.

“I thought that the great houses of Asgard and Jotunheim could be united and peace brought between the realms, through you Loki, by way of a political marriage. I abandoned the idea a long time ago, however. I have been content with you simply being my son. However, recent developments have forced me to bring this truth to light…and reconsider my original purpose for you.” Odin says warily.

“What do you MEAN reconsider?” Loki seethes.

“I’m giving you a choice Loki. You can marry Thor and become his King’s consort, ruling Asgard at his side as his spouse and equal, or, you can continue living your life just as it is now. You would remain the second prince, Thor’s closest advisor, brother, and friend. Nothing more. Both choices come with a cost Loki. Should you choose to marry Thor, I must publicly disown you as my son, and to convince the public that you are truly in fact a Jotun, you will have to parade yourself around in your natural form, particularly at your wedding for the whole of the Kingdom to see, so that they accept you in your new role as husband and not brother.

“And if I choose to just keep living my life the way I always have?” Loki asks.

“You’ll have to break Thor’s heart. The choice is yours my son, and if moment comes that I must disown you publicly, know that in my heart, you are my son.”

Notes