The silver's tears

He felt himself falling in the dark again the same one he tried so hard to run from all this time, but somethings you just can leave behind, he is bound to the darkness the same way he is bound to him.
The pain was excruciating he could feel his heart being ripped apart his whole body was painfully sore and it was the beginning..
Loki knew what was coming next, he can feel it growing inside him, his anxiety levels had already kicked in high a while ago and his panic attacks won't be late
"Now he will see the pathetic weak I am" loki thought and another voice inside him replied "He wasn't ashamed of his weakness the other night why should you? Why always pushing yourself so hard to distant! Don't be hard on yourself you're not invencible... it's normal to show weakness from time to time"
"normal for him, he is human and being able to show their weakness is what makes them human" loki answered the voice in his head, he knew it was part of him, the one who is trying to kick sense into him but he won't listen.. It's too late to listen, he bit his lip from the pain taking a deep but painful breath
"You're human than many humans would ever be"
And with this loki break in laughing "Human? Me human? Didn't know humans have blue skin and red eyes, please save this word to thor he is one of them at least he looks like them not just a mask he hid behind..And oh have you ever seen Thor or father cry from pain or act pathetic like I do? No cause that's how it should be not this"
The voice didn't answer him, what could he say, after all no-one said the truth is always pleasant, it's supposed to hurt cause it's the reality
And the reality is he will never accept his weakness or illness or whatever it's called to be something normal, and whining is weakness too so he will just swallow it and shut up
"As if I'm talking in the first place" he thought grinning but it soon turned to gasp as he couldn't take his breath and his panic attack made appearance slipping him to the dark again.
..................
Bucky tried to keep himself busy with anything stopping himself from going after loki, he read for a while but his mind wasn't here to focus on the words.
He found out that loki's bag was magical or something cause every time he opened it looking for something he found it no matter what it was, it was bigger on the inside definitely and with its help he managed to make them a prober breakfast and it gave him a strange feeling not that it was a bad one no it was just nice
"Yeah, I can live like that" he said smiling "but not with a grumpy loki no hell no" just mentioning his name made him unsettled wanting to go looking for him
"Screw it, I'll go and let me see what will he do"
Bucky looked almost everywhere for him with nothing like he just proofed
"Dammit that kid is fast" he whinned leaning against a tree taking his breath it has been two hours since he left looking for him
"Gaaaaaah"
The scream was so loud that it freaked bucky, it carried so much pain, he quickly ran to the place it came from shouting his name
Loki was on the ground hands clasping to his chest shaking violently
Bucky saw this tenth of times during the war especially among young soldiers, he was having a panic attack but aggressive than any other one he saw before
He quickly put his hand inside loki's mouth so he won't bite or swallow his tongue and trying to keep him still with his metallic arm then he slided himself beneath him allowing his head to rest on his lap holding his both hands, rocking him gently and leaned closing the gap between their faces whispering to his ears
"it's okay... It's okay.. You’re safe now.. You're okay.. No need to be afraid.. I'm here with you and won't leave you.. I promise.. It's okay..."
Bucky could feel his body resting nearly Turing to limp but his breathing returning to it's normal pace reassured him
After a while he felt pressing on his hand and slight shifting of his body
" Hey, take it easy champ everything is gonna be just fine" bucky said removing his hair back from his face and loki looked away trying not to appear weak
"Oh com'on I was literally crying like a child from a nightmare and you had a freakin panic attack and you didn't even cry a little, my boy you're a badass" bucky said messing with his hair trying to take his mind away from this
Loki just blinked shying away then it appeared like he was thinking of something
"Boy... Kid?" He signed raising an eyebrow
"Ummm boy and kid right?" he asked making sure he got them right and loki just nodded impatiently
" Yeah how old are you 15, 16?"
Loki's eyes widened in shock "22" he signed annoyed
"you kidding me, well even if you was 22 I'm 90 years old"
Loki just rolled his eye at him
"okay okay" bucky shrugged "I'm 32 years" he muttered "Still older than you by a whoole decade Kid" he scoffed
Loki just stuck out his tongue at him and tried to get up
"Easy there you need to stay still for a while, you're not my first case kiddo, I was in the army and half of my squad were just kids, panic attacks were like the coffee break back then heck even me had it couple of times, Steve shockingly never had one this little brat" he scoffed smiling a little
"Little" loki signed perplexed
" Yeah my Steve not your Steve" bucky said looking away
Loki shifted again and bucky could feel his annoyance
"What's wrong buddy?"
Loki hesitated for a while before he started to sign in a way bucky could understand, he pointed to his mouth and shaked his head and then he pointed at bucky moving his head away
"can't talk.. I looked away?" bucky said slowly and loki just nodded looking sad
"shit, I forgot you won't be able to... Dammit I was just trying not to turn things gloomy and ended up with a total mess I.." loki put his hand on his mouth shushing him and signed *okay* smiling faintly
"just grab me if I did it again" bucky said scoffing and loki just pinched him in the arm
"or you do that, ouch" he pretended it hurt him and he heard the low giggling
"A small price for such a gift" he thought smiling back at him

Notes