Monster

I was hoping that Bucky would come back soon, but after that night I didn’t see him again for a while. Every time Steve left I walked back into my house feeling disappointed when there was no one waiting in the shadows. Every time someone tripped the sensor in my neighbor’s yard I went to the window in the hopes that it was him. It never was.

Steve rarely slept in my bed anymore. I already knew it made him uncomfortable having to share a bed with someone he didn’t have feelings for. But after that night he would doze for an hour or so and then I would always wake up in the middle of the night to find him sitting on the back porch waiting for the shadows to move. Sometimes I joined him. Sometimes I brought him the quilt from the couch. Most of the time I left him alone to his thoughts.

A week later I woke up from instinct, rather than nightmares and I heard the soft murmur of his voice from outside. I wondered if he was on the phone, so I went downstairs to check on him. This time he wasn’t sitting on the back porch. I approached the screen door and looked out at the yard. Steve was standing in the middle of the overgrown grass. Bucky was standing before him in his black clothes again. I’d forgotten them in the dryer. I guess he returned for them and I didn’t notice.

I stood against the wall and closed my eyes. I was glad that Bucky had finally come back. I was even happier that he had finally decided to speak to Steve. However, their voices were tense and their body language suggested each of them was ready to bolt or fight if the other made the move. Neither of them did, but they hardly looked comfortable.

I could barely make out what they were saying. They were speaking in low voices and only a few words ever reached me. But it was clear to me that Steve wanted him to be Bucky and he in his own words didn’t think he ever would be.

I knew it wasn’t my place to get involved in their discussion. They needed to talk and they needed to be alone, but this was one subject I couldn’t let go. Steve was Steve and despite everything that he had gone through he would continue to be Steve. I knew what it was like to wake up and not belong to your name anymore. I knew what it was like to view the person you had once been and feel detached from them. So I pushed open the screen and stepped out onto the grass. Both men turned to watch me as I approached.

“I’m sorry for eaves dropping,” I started. “I know it’s wrong and I know your business is between the two of you. But I couldn’t stop myself from interrupting.” I looked up at Bucky. He still had the ponytail in his hair, but the cap was gone. Even though his hair was messy and dirty it looked like he had at least tried to brush through it with his fingers recently. His facial hair was coming back in and left a dark shadow on his face.

“Look,” I said. “I know that you feel… disconnected. From your past and from the whole world. And I know that you want him back, Steve. But Bucky is gone. That Bucky is. Just like that Steve is gone too. And you may still be Steve, but you’re not the same boy from Brooklyn with asthma and a big heart, okay? But that’s the whole point of living. We change. And Bucky… if you want to be Bucky, that’s great. You’re at a crossroads now. And you can be whoever you want to be. Whether it’s Bucky or The Winter Soldier, or someone entirely new. That choice is yours. But no matter what, those names will still always belong to you and they’ll always be a part of you. And you still have to choose how you want to live your life from this point on. You’re free now. And you can be whoever you want to be.”

He looked away across the yard and Steve kept his eyes on his friend. I didn’t want him to think that he had to be Bucky if that’s not who he was anymore. I knew when I came back that I hadn’t wanted to be Johanna anymore. Not the girl I’d been before I had left. I couldn’t be her though, even if I wanted to be, and coming to that realization was an important part of my recovery. Even if I didn’t feel like I had a grasp on it yet.

“Bucky has people who love him,” I continued when neither of them spoke. I pulled my cardigan around my arms to keep the chill out, but I kept my eyes on him. “His life is shattered but he doesn’t have to be alone if he doesn’t want to be. And if you decide you don’t want to be Bucky… you don’t have to be him either. You can make your own choices and be your own person. You can try to forget the past if that’s what you want. But I know from experience that it never really goes away. You can fight it and you can move away and pretend to be something you’re not. But Bucky will always exist in you and so will The Winter Soldier. And so will Steve and… and me if you let me.” There was a moment of silence as he looked at the grass and then back at me.

“They’re going to come back for me,” he said. “Whatever’s left of them. They’re not going to let me go so easy. And if they don’t get to me first… someone else will. There’s no living in this world. Not the way that you live.” I sighed.

“You’re right. But you have a family. And Steve will do whatever he can to protect you. Even if you think you don’t need it. Steve and me and… my friends. If you want to start your life over as some average guy we can help. Whatever your choice is we can help you.

“How did you do it?” he asked me. “How did you decide who to be?” I took a deep breath and shuffled my feet.

“I chose to run away. I thought I was hurting the people who loved me. But I still miss them. And it wasn’t until I was gone that I realized they were the only people who could help me. When I’m with the people that I love… I feel like I can be myself again. Even if it’s not the same person I’d been before.”

“What if that wasn’t an option? What if being with the people you’re told you love is not an option?”

I stood staring at him for a moment as I tried to figure out how to answer. The crickets were loud and the sky was hazy with light pollution. I wanted to ask him why it wasn’t an option, but I didn’t know what he meant. I didn’t know if he meant Steve or HYDRA or whoever he had left behind in his past. I couldn’t find an answer.

“I don’t know,” I finally admitted. “I guess you just have to do whatever you can to be the best person you can be. And be true to yourself.”

He reached out and pressed the palm of his real hand against my cheek like I had done for him that night on my living room couch. His skin was warm against the chill in the air and I leaned into him. This man who had been a weapon, who had been broken and betrayed, I could see the warmth in his heart and more than anything I wanted him to be able to see it in himself. Whether he was Bucky or someone else.

“Then I have to go,” he said quietly.

“Please don’t leave? We can help you. This is your home.” He gave me a conflicted and pained expression and stepped away. Then he turned and jumped over the fence that separated my neighbor’s yard from mine. Their porch light came back on but I couldn’t hear anything but the crickets and the wind. Steve came to my side but neither of us said anything until the light went back off and the yard returned to darkness.

“Do you think he’ll be back?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he replied.

I turned and headed back toward the house. I made it all the way to my bedroom before I felt my chest get heavy and I couldn’t fight it anymore. I sat down on my bed and faced the window. And then my eyes got hot and tears spilled out. I hated crying. I hated this job. I wanted my life to go back to normal. Not normal normal. Not nightmares and loneliness and going to work filing reports at a boring cubicle. I wanted to go home to Ohio to my bedroom with the pop-punk posters and my sister’s irritating organization system. Where summers were warm and I could sleep without fear and people weren’t suffering. Back when I didn’t have to count to four to do normal tasks. Back when I didn’t have to remind myself that everything was real and not dreamed.

I wanted to be Johanna from Ohio again.

I heard the floor creak and I knew that Steve had followed me back up the stairs. He probably knew I was crying too, but I wiped my tears away in the hopes that he didn’t see them.

“I don’t want this mission to be over, Steve,” I told him. “I don’t want to fail.”

“I don’t think we failed at all, Jo,” he replied. “We did exactly what we were supposed to do. We made contact with him. And to be completely honest, it worked out far better than anyone expected. He’s not himself and maybe you’re right. Maybe he never will be. But he wants to be a good person. He left because he thinks it’s best for all of us.”

“How would that be good for any of us?”

“He thinks you’re my girlfriend, Jo.”

“So?” I turned around to face him. He was standing in my doorway leaning against the frame. His eyebrows rose and he gave me a look that said I was missing something very important.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked. I shook my head.

“I’m just helping him. I just want to help it. It’s not like that.”

“Maybe not for you.” I turned back around and ran my hands over my face.

“It can’t be like that. We barely talk. He doesn’t know anything about me.”

“He doesn’t have to. He just knows that you’re the first person to show him any genuine kindness. And Bucky was always a flirt. Maybe that part of him still exists even if he doesn’t know what it means. And I mean… I know his type and you’re definitely it.”

“If that’s the case then we really messed up. That wasn’t part of the plan.”

“We didn’t mess up. We’ll stick with our plan. If he doesn’t come back within a month we’ll move on.”

“I just don’t want him to get hurt.”

“Me either.”

Notes

I was never really sure about this chapter. I don't know. I wanted to write more of Steve and Bucky's conversation but I couldn't get it out. :/ But my beta said it made him feel the things so I decided to just leave it.