Monster

The next morning Steve and I had coffee quietly in the kitchen. We hadn’t spoken since the night before and my lack of nightmares kept us apart for the rest of the night. We woke up without a word. He showered before me and then went to the bathroom downstairs to shave while I took my turn. Coffee was already made when I was done. We served ourselves and I stood against the counter as he sat at the table with his back to the wall.

“I forgot to tell you I have something for you,” he said as he pulled out his wallet. He took out a piece of paper and slid it across the table in my direction. I stepped forward and picked it up. Then I opened it and looked down at the check he had made out for me.

“I can’t take this,” I said setting it back down on the table.

“Why not? I agreed to make up the difference.”

“I don’t want it.”

“How are you going to pay your mortgage?”

“I’ll manage.” I turned around and went to dump the rest of my coffee in the sink.

“Why?” he asked me. I reached for my phone from the counter and slid it into my pocket.

“I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for him.”

Then I left without another word and drove to work at the diner.

The morning was uneventful. The breakfast shift was my favorite to work because most of the customers were bleary eyed and tired and came for coffee and simple meals. They hardly ever complained and sat quietly enjoying their food. The only problems came from the occasional bright eyed child, but for the most part I had no problems with the breakfast crew.

It was lunch and dinner that I couldn’t stand. Luckily I didn’t have to work the dinner shift, but the lunch shift was second worst and second best. It wasn’t as busy as the dinner shift but I was on the move constantly and it was the favorite time of day for those blasted milkshakes.

I was in the middle of refilling the ketchup bottles when Morgan/Megan alerted me to another guest visit.

“Your hot friend is back,” she said. I looked up at her.

“Wilson?” I asked. She shrugged.

“You never told me his name. But he’s back and he wants a milkshake.” I sighed heavily and she smiled. “I’m just kidding. He just wants a Coke. You want to get it for him?”

“Yeah, sure. Bring some fries too. He likes them even though he never orders them.” I stuck the ketchup back on the counter and twisted the lid.

“You ever gonna tell me his name. Or is it just Wilson?”

“Sam,” I said. She nodded.

“He’s cute.”

“Mm-hmm.”

I moved passed her and told my manager I was going to take my break. I returned the ketchup bottles to their original tables and then I went back for the soda. I filled the cup and headed out onto the dining floor to meet with Sam Wilson. He was sitting in the same far booth with his back to the wall and his arm stretched over the back of the seat. I sat the drink down and then took a seat in front of him.

“What’s up?” I asked. He removed the straw wrapper and focused on that.

“Haven’t talked to you in a while. Figured it was time,” he replied.

“What’s to talk about? Doesn’t Steve tell you everything? Or is there more I need to know?” He stuck the straw in his drink and then looked up to meet my gaze.

“I didn’t come here on behalf of Steve. I’m here for you. And to apologize.” My eyebrows rose.

“Apologize for what?”

“For what I said the last time I was here. When I called Barnes a nutbag.”

“I don’t even remember.” He took a sip of his drink and his eyes scanned the room.

“I deal with this stuff a lot. And I should have realized it when I met you. You were right about Barnes. Or at least I think you’re right for wanting to help him. The both of you are. Being alone is the worst part and he’s made progress because he’s not alone. But you… you’re still alone. And I want to change that.”

“What do you mean?” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a business card. Then he slid it onto the table between us. I reached out and lifted it.

“I’m a coach,” he told me. “For soldiers. Soldiers like you.” I nodded slowly.

“Did you read my files?” I asked him.

“Didn’t have to. I can see it when I talk to you. Not to mention Steve might have mentioned a few things that tipped me off.”

“I think I’m doing alright, considering. I had a therapist. Of course that was with SHIELD but…”

“That’s not really what this is though. I’m not trying to preach therapy. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. And there are people just like you. People who would love to meet you and talk to you. You don’t have to talk about what you’ve been through but sometimes you just need that other person to know in order to make progress.”

“How did you do it? How did you come home and… go back to normal? How did you help Captain America take down HYDRA?” He looked around to be sure no one was listening.

“I wish that I could say that I went back to normal but I’d be lying. And when I helped Steve, I felt alive again. I know that there’s a darkness in you for what you’ve done and what you think you did. I know that you froze and couldn’t pull the trigger and you got shot. But I also know that you didn’t hesitate when someone else’s life was in danger.” I shook my head.

“Those kids wouldn’t have died if I had just pulled the trigger.” I felt my voice catch in my throat and I pinched my mouth shut to stop the emotion from bursting out of me. He was patient for a moment and then he shook his head, softer than I had.

“You know that’s not true,” he said. “You beat yourself up and you plant lies in your own head to feed your guilt. Those kids… I wish I could say that there was a magical solution or something that anyone could have done to save them. But there wasn’t. They didn’t die because one person froze. And the man who shot you… taking him out wouldn’t have made a difference. You did what you had to do when it mattered most. You didn’t pull a trigger but you put your own life at risk to save Colonel Talbot. You didn’t shoot but you didn’t hesitate when his life was in danger. The problem isn’t that you freeze. The problem is that you put other people’s lives before your own.”

I turned my head away from him and wiped my eye, knowing that he was looking but hoping he wasn’t going to remember it. Making more lies for myself because that’s what he did. He coached people like me. People who couldn’t get their lives back.

Luckily Morgan/Megan decided that was the perfect time to bring the fries I’d ordered for him. She came up to the table smiling and set them down between us.

“Is there anything else I can get you, hon?” she asked as she put a gentle hand on Sam’s shoulder. He gave her a smile and shook his head.

“I’m alright. Thank you,” he told her. She looked at me and even though she was still smiling there was a look of concern in her eyes.

“What about you?” she asked and I could see the question on her face. Not asking if there was anything I wanted to eat, asking if I was okay. I shook my head.

“No, I’m fine,” I assured her.

“Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will.” She walked off and Sam waited for her to leave and it gave me just enough time to gather my composure.

“Look,” he said as he reached for a French fry. “I know what it’s like to come home and feel like piece of you is missing. A part of you will always be on the battlefield. No matter what happens and no matter how much you claim to have hated it. That’s why I helped Steve when he came to me. It made me feel alive. That’s why Steve continues to do what he does.”

“I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t ever want to watch someone die again,” I argued.

“Neither do I. And that’s why I did it. To stop people from dying.” I looked away. “And you can’t pull a trigger. That’s fine. Agent Barton doesn’t use a gun.” He munched on some fries as I thought about this. “Maybe your pink knife can be your arrows and quiver. Pink sparkle knife is your Project Falcon.” I laughed and rubbed my eyes.

“I just want to be normal, Sam,” I told him as I focused on him. He nodded slowly, watching me.

“That’s fine too. But you do need to realize that that isn’t the case for all of us. Some of us thrive on it. Me, Steve, Natasha. Maybe normalcy isn’t what Barnes needs. Maybe the only way you can save him is to make him change sides.”

“He doesn’t need to ever take orders from anyone. He needs to know that he’s free.”

“You know how many orders we broke when we took down those helicarriers? You know how many orders Steve and his Avenger pals broke when they took down those aliens? Barnes doesn’t need orders. But he was made to be a soldier. He was a soldier voluntarily, before HYDRA ever got ahold of him. If he wants to live his life in a warm little house eating pizza with a pretty girl, by all means. I encourage that. All I’m saying is that might not be enough to save him.” I considered his words for a long moment as he ate some fries and I sat there with my hands in my lap.

“You’re right,” I finally told him. “Some of us just can’t be domesticated. He needs Steve. More than me.”

“That’s not true either,” he said reaching for another fry. “He needs you because he chose you. I know he’s got a little thing for you.” He smiled. “But that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe you need each other.”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s broken and I’m… damaged. And it would never work out.”

“Who said anything about working out? I’m not saying you should be his girlfriend.” He laughed again. “I’m just saying he feels safe with you and you want to help him. I know you turned down Steve’s check. So clearly you’re in it for something. Even if you think it’s not a selfish reason. Maybe he helps you as much as you help him. Like I said, we don’t like being alone.” I nodded again.

“I just don’t want… those kinds of feelings to get in the way of his progress.”

“Maybe those feelings are fueling his progress.” I sighed again. There was no arguing with the man. I lifted the card again and looked down at his number, deciding to end the conversation.

“So when do you have meetings?” I asked him.

“On the back,” he replied, taking a sip of his soda.

“Maybe I’ll swing by.”

“I hope you do.”

“I have to go back to work though. This is the only job I have now.” He nodded again.

“I’ll see you.” I stood up and turned back around.

“Again, my tab.”

“Not happening. But thanks for the offer.” I smiled and stuck the business card in my apron pocket.

Notes

This is an extremely vital chapter. Because of reasons.