Monster

After dinner I managed to convince Bucky to stay the night, though I couldn’t guarantee that he would still be there in the morning, let alone by the time Steve got back. Either way, getting him to agree was a huge success for me. I led him upstairs to the guest bedroom where I also kept my laptop and stored all my crap. I gave him a pair of Steve’s sweatpants to wear and then I pulled out the futon and made the bed for him while he changed in the bathroom. When he came back everything was ready to go.

“I hope it’s comfortable,” I said as I fluffed a pillow.

“It’s fine,” he replied. I stood up and looked over his clean shaven face. He had his hair back in the ponytail and I decided that I really liked it on him. But if he wanted to blend in and not get caught by HYDRA or whoever else was after him, he was probably going to have to cut his hair.

“So um…”

“Can I ask you something?”

It was the first time he had ever interrupted me. And that was when I finally noticed how much more natural he was starting to sound with his speech. In the beginning his words were always flat and emotionless and to the point. But now I noticed that his tone had changed and sometimes I even caught a hint of amusement when he spoke. He also appeared much more comfortable and relaxed in general.

“You can ask me anything you want,” I told him.

“You said something… before… about Steve. And it made me wonder.”

“What’s that?”

“You said that he doesn’t love you like he loves me. And that it wasn’t serious.” I blinked as I tried to remember when I’d said that. I couldn’t remember at all. But I decided to answer anyway.

“It’s not that I don’t think he loves me. I just… I don’t think it’s… special.”

“What do you mean?”

“Steve’s been through a lot. And so have I. And we care about each other a lot. But I think it’s more just… convenience and… loneliness.”

“That’s what you meant… when you said it hurt more when I wasn’t here.” I nodded.

“Yeah. And you… this is what you were referring to when you said… when you said this wasn’t an option. You were afraid of…”

“Yes.” I sighed and looked down at the floor. I hugged my arms to myself and tried to think of how to get out of this situation. I was flattered, and maybe a little bit thrilled. But at the same time my logic was telling me it was wrong. And despite how I might feel I couldn’t act on it.

“Bucky,” I said slowly. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What is it?” I sat down on the futon and pulled my cardigan closer. I really didn’t want him to get angry, but I didn’t want him to hate me either. I wanted him to trust me. And so I decided to tell him the truth.

“I’m not… who you think I am.” I looked up at him and he was looking down at me thoughtfully. But he didn’t show any response. “I’m not… Steve’s girlfriend. I never have been. I used to work for SHIELD. We set this up so that you would feel less threatened about making contact with Steve.”

“I know,” he said softly. My eyebrows rose.

“How did you know?”

“You’re a soldier. I can tell.” I rubbed my eyes and nodded.

“Yeah, I’m a soldier. I was anyway. And then I got shot and I got sent home.” He sat down beside me and I felt the futon creak under his weight.

“There’s a woman in New York that Steve loves.” I looked at him.

“How did you know that?”

“I know a lot of things.”

“So how long did you know this was a setup?”

“I always knew. I just couldn’t be certain how you really felt about Steve. He cares for you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He turned his blue eyes on mine.

“Because I figured you would tell me when it was the right time,” he said.

“Then why did you come to me if you knew that I was lying to you?” I asked.

“Because I could see the same darkness in you that’s inside of me. My darkness just grew larger and more monstrous than yours.” I shook my head.

“Stop calling yourself that.”

“I trust you, Jo,” he said. It was the first time he’d ever said my name out loud. “And I know that you trust me. That’s all I wanted. Steve doesn’t trust me. He wants to. But he still thinks I’m going to… to… show my monster. You have trusted me from the start. You could have called for help when I hurt you. But you didn’t. You could have had them take me away and dealt with me in a facility or someplace else. Instead you helped me do it on my own. Not because it was your job but because you wanted to. You made me want to… be human again.”

“You are human. And I want you to be everything that you want to be. But whatever it is that you think you feel for me. It’s not real. No matter how much we might want it to be.” His eyebrows creased and for a moment I flushed with embarrassment at the thought of being wrong.

“How do you know what’s real and what isn’t?” he asked. I sighed.

“Because I’m the first person… since you got free… And it’s been a long time. And I don’t want you to be confused. Or get hurt. I want you to focus on getting better and living and not having to worry about me at all. Let alone… in that way.” He nodded slowly.

“I don’t really think you get to decide who I can worry about.” I flopped forward and leaned into my hands.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t get to make decisions for you either. I can’t change anything. I just want you to know that this isn’t the right time. Not now.” I lifted my head again and he nodded.

“I know,” he said in the same flat tone as before.

Notes

Short chapter. Sorry. I don't feel very well.