Monster

Dinner went surprisingly well. I let Steve and Bucky do most of the talking since they had more to talk about than I did. And I was pleased to see that Bucky was actually progressing a lot from when he first showed up in my kitchen. He asked Steve a lot of questions and Steve was happy to answer them. And sometimes Steve would tell funny stories about the shenanigans they got into and Bucky would give that almost smile and I hoped, and wondered, if he remembered them too.

But then when we were cleaning up my phone started ringing and I saw my sister’s name appear on the screen. Since I was now allowed to talk to her comfortably I excused myself and took the phone into the other room, where I hoped they couldn’t hear me.

“Hey,” I said as I answered and sat down on the couch.

“Okay, just what the hell are you doing now?” Clara replied.

“I’m eating dinner, why?”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your new volunteer job. Playing babysitter for the Winter Soldier.”

“He’s not… that’s not who he is anymore. And I’m not his babysitter. I’m just helping him.”

“Do you have any idea how stupid that is?”

“Excuse me?”

“He’s dangerous, Jo. I know that everything is fine and dandy right now but it doesn’t mean it will stay that way.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to make my own decisions. And I asked for this job, Clara. It’s not like it landed in my lap and I had no choice.”

“That’s exactly how it happened. Because when they gave you your first mission they knew damn well you wouldn’t turn it down because you never turn anyone down. And it did fall in your lap because this guy attached himself to you and you’re playing mama cat like you did when we were kids.”

“I still don’t think it’s any of your business.”

“No, it is my goddamn business because I worry about you constantly and you’re going to end up losing your house when you start getting behind on payments. It’s my job to make sure you’re okay and you making it difficult.”

“It’s not your job to make sure I’m okay. I’m doing just fine.”

“I’m your big sister and it will always be my job to make sure you’re okay. And you always get yourself into these situations where your life, and mental state, are at stake.”

“My mental state is just fine.”

“For now! And so is his! For now! What about when he snaps and pulls a gun on you? What about when he comes after you with that stupid arm of his and tries to choke you to death? What happens if we can’t get to you fast enough, Jo?”

“He’s not going to snap. He’s doing really well and he wants to be a good person and I’m going to help him, not because I want to play mama cat, but because I know what it’s like to be alone. And I don’t want him to have to be alone. He can’t be. He’s making progress because he’s not alone.”

“You’ve never been alone. I’ve always done everything I could to be there for you. You were the one who moved to DC instead of going home to Ohio. You were the one that chose SHIELD over me. I offered to let you stay with me. I offered to help you find a job.”

“I didn’t choose SHIELD over you. I chose a normal life. And I was alone. I’ve always been alone. Even if I went home to mom and dad or I went to live with you, I would still be alone. Because none of you have ever had to watch people die, Clara. None of you have ever had to kill anyone.”

“You think that I’ve never had to watch people die? That’s what this is? Because I don’t have PTSD? Because I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but a lot of people died here, Jo. And I was here. And I saw it happen.” I sighed.

“What happened in New York was different. It was scary and sudden and I know it was traumatizing for you and Tony, but it’s different when you go to war voluntarily, Clara. And when you fail. And people die BECAUSE of you.”

“I just don’t know why you’re constantly trying to prove your strength. First with enlisting and then with SHIELD and now with babysitting a Soviet assassin.”

“Don’t you dare, for one second, tell me that I’m not strong.”

“I’m not saying you’re not strong.”

“That’s exactly what you’re saying. I do what I do to prove my strength. You think I’m doing this job to prove that I’m a strong person.”

“I’m just saying you don’t need to do this to prove anything.”

“Clara… Do you know what the number one cause of death for ex-soldiers is? Do you? It’s suicide. So the fact that I’m still here should be a good indicator that I’m strong enough for whatever it is you think I’m trying to prove. I don’t need your support or your approval. There were so many times where I wanted to die, and so many times I proved myself. Even if you weren’t around to see it.” She was silent for what felt like a full minute. And then I heard her sniff.

“Jo… I’m not trying to say that you’re not strong or that you need to prove anything. I know that you’re strong. I just don’t know why you insist on putting yourself in dangerous situations. I know that you care… way more than normal people. And I know that you think that you can help him. But what exactly do you expect to be the outcome of this? What do you think is going to happen? That one day he’s going to wake up and be perfectly normal? That the world is going to forgive him for everything HYDRA made him do? That he’s going to take a simple desk job and file papers with his robotic arm and walk around with a smile on his face. You know damn well that he’s too damaged to live a normal life. You haven’t gone through nearly the same trauma as he has, and you can barely make it through the night without…”

“Just stop,” I told her. “Just shut up.”

“I’m trying to make you open your eyes, Jo. It’s been over five years and you’re still not better. You function but only because you have to. But you’re miserable. I know that you are. And you know that he’s not going to be like you. No matter how strong he is. In five years he’s going to be exactly where you are. Alone and miserable. And that’s putting it nicely because he’s been through so much more. If you want my honest opinion I think it’s going to take him ten years to get where you are. And that will be considered progress. You can’t just rewire his brain. You can’t teach him how to do his own laundry and then expect him not to snap when something goes wrong.”

“What do you want me to do? You want me to give up on him? You want me to tell him to leave me alone so that I can go back to not having a purpose? I know that he’s gone through worse than me,” I told her. “I don’t need you to remind me. And I know that he’s never going to be okay. But I want to do something worthwhile. I’m not meant to sit behind a desk and file papers. I’m meant to help people.”

“But you’ve already done so much,” she pleaded.

“No, I haven’t. You know that I haven’t. I didn’t enlist just to prove to everyone that I was strong. I did it because I wanted to do something with my life. Mom always said that I would never amount to anything but motherhood. That’s what I wanted to prove wrong. I don’t want to just… cook and clean and take care of someone and never have accomplished anything other than helping someone else… live. I wanted to save people’s lives. I wanted to help people. And I messed that up.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Just let me talk. I did mess it up. I couldn’t pull the trigger and I nearly got myself killed. And I joined SHIELD for the same reason. I wanted to do something meaningful. I wanted to have a job that helped people. And that blew up in my face… literally. It turned out I was working for the bad guy all along and now my career is over and I don’t even know how I’m going to pay my electric bill. So yeah, maybe it’s crazy and I’m stubborn and my mama cat tendencies are kicking in. But I want to help him. I want to do something important.”

“But you just got done saying you didn’t want to be known for doing nothing more than helping someone else live. You didn’t want to cook and clean and take care of someone and never accomplish anything. But that’s exactly what you’re doing, Jo. You’re taking care of him. You’re helping him more than you’re helping yourself.”

“Helping him is helping me. It’s not like… a maternal kind of thing. I’m doing this because it’s good for everyone. For him and me and Steve and the rest of the world. Even if I can’t be remembered for being a hero who killed an alien with a staple remover, at least I can be known for being the person who brought James Barnes back from the grave.”

“You’re too goddamn stubborn,” she said with a sigh. “I just don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you again.”

“You never lost me,” I told her.

“Yes, I did and you know it. You came home and you were an entirely different person. And I just don’t want something to happen to you and lose you completely or have you come back even more withdrawn.”

“Well, I’m sorry that I can’t be the sister you want me to be. But I’m taking this job whether it gets me killed or not. I have to. I want to. And all I want from you is to support my decision. Even if you don’t like it.”

“Fine. Yeah. Just don’t tell mom what you’re doing. You’ll give her pleurisy.”

“I won’t. But I need to go help the super-soldiers clean my kitchen. So I’ll talk to you later.” I didn’t wait for her to say goodbye. I hung up and sat down on the couch. I put my head in my hands and took four deep breaths. Then I heard the floor creak and I looked up. Bucky was standing by the staircase with a concerned expression on his face.

“Are you okay?” he asked. I smiled and stood back up.

“I’m fine, yeah. Just arguing with my sister,” I told him. His eyebrows creased.

“She doesn’t like what you’re doing for me,” he decided. I shook my head.

“No, it’s not like that at all. My family doesn’t like anything that I do. It’s not you. They’ve been trying to make me normal and boring my whole life.”

“Normal and boring isn’t who you are.” I took a deep breath and slapped my hands to my side.

“You’re right. It isn’t. Would you guys like some help with the dishes?” He lowered his head but then looked back up at me. His lips turned up into that same almost smile from before.

“I think we can handle it,” he said. Then he turned back around and headed back to the kitchen.

The argument with my sister left me rattled, but I tried not to let it get to me. Steve and Bucky were getting along. Bucky was making progress and that was all that mattered to me. Sure, there was always the possibility that he could snap and revert back to The Winter Soldier at any moment. But even if that happened I was confident that he had gotten enough of Bucky back to be saved. And even if he did snap, I was confident that I could pull him out of it.

Once Steve finished helping us and got all his stuff together I walked him out to his bike. He had nothing but a backpack to hold the stuff he’d left at my house. He looked kind of silly with it on his back. Like a giant kid riding his giant bike to school.

“I talked to Stark this morning,” he told me as he stepped off the curb.

“How fun for you,” I replied. He smiled.

“Well, he decided to add me to the list of people to call if anything happens. Rhodes isn’t always here and can’t always be relied on. If you press your panic button I won’t be too far away.” I instinctively touched the bracelet on my wrist. I had forgotten its real purpose. I wore it every day and I knew I had to take it off to shower. But it had become just sort of a piece of jewelry I had grown used to.

“Thanks, Steve,” I said. He nodded and mounted his bike.

“Don’t mention it. And uh… thanks. For you know. Volunteering to do this job. And for everything else you’ve done.”

“Thanks for sticking up for me against Fury.” He gave that smile again and kicked the bike into life.

“Don’t mention it.”

Notes

Sorry. Again. For not updating. I randomly got sick for no reason and I still have no idea what was wrong. I was just really really dizzy and I couldn't focus and I kept feeling like I was going to throw up from motion sickness. And finally I was just like "fuck this" and laid down even though I wasn't tired. And then I fell asleep and now I'm magically better. *Shrugs* But now I'm starving. And I want to order food because I don't want to cook anything. But if I order something then I have to order for my dad and my sister too. And mostly I just want a soda. And I made like a pound of fried tofu earlier and I have no idea why I decided to make that much tofu. But I don't want to eat it and now I have all this fucking tofu.

Anyway, I bet you're wondering where the gif is. It's below. There's three of them. I was scrolling through Tumblr when I found this gifset of Bucky's files. I don't remember this part of the movie? However, I squealed excitedly because I've written about these exact files. I would go back and put them to THAT specific chapter. But then everyone who's caught up will have missed them. So they're below.

Also, I started editing this story. Not like rewriting anything. Everything is the same. I'm just fixing grammar and punctuation mistakes. I should have done this from the start but I was too excited to wait. I'm also trying to add a few more environmental details that I might have left out in my eagerness to write the story. So my reason for bringing this up is because of the chapter where she mentions the files. I've added the pictures to her description. That is all. Carry on.