Monster

That night it was difficult for me to get to sleep even though I was exhausted. I laid there for a long time staring at my ceiling and thinking about the raccoon in my attic. Then when I wasn’t thinking about the raccoon I was thinking about Steve, Bucky, Tony, and Clara, and everyone else whose lives I felt somewhat responsible for.

When I finally did fall asleep it didn’t last very long. The slightest noise woke me and sometimes even when there weren’t any noises, my mind forced me to wake up anyway. And then I would lie there again for a long time until sleep took hold again.

I didn’t fall into a deep sleep until the early morning. And when I finally did slip into unconsciousness I found myself flat on my back on a bed of crumbled brick, staring up at smoke on an otherwise clear blue sky.

The ringing in my ears was fading but the pain on my shoulder seemed to keep growing. I could feel the warmth of blood as it spread beneath me. I groaned and rolled to my side in an attempt to get up. I could hear shouting and gunshots over the noise. And a moment later I saw a soldier drop to the ground several yards from me. I could hear the sounds of his screams under the ringing and thumping of my heart, and so I struggled to get back to my feet so I could reach him.

My legs weren’t strong enough to carry my body and I didn’t want to stand and put myself in an even worse position. So I did a half crawl through the debris as I cradled my arm against my body. I wanted to reach him before the wound on his thigh bled out. He finally spotted me and I recognized him even though I had never met him. His name was Colonel Talbot. From what I understood he was a decent man. He followed us into this mission even though he very well could have stayed back at camp by the cool air fan.

I couldn’t let him die, but my struggle to reach him was taking too long. They were going to get to him before I could. I was bleeding and I could already feel my mind slip from blood loss.
I was almost to him when a grenade rolled into view. Talbot and I both froze. And then he changed his tactic. Instead of his yells of pain he began to frantically shout in my direction. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but it was clear from his hand movements that he wanted me to leave. To leave him to die with that grenade.

I decided to change direction. I was close enough so that I could get away if I followed his orders, but I didn’t. I went for the grenade and just hoped that I had enough time to throw it before it could go off. I could hear him screaming at me as I reached for it. The metal was cold and heavy against my fingers as I lifted it like a baseball. The men who’d thrown it were on the other side of the court, yelling, waving weapons that appeared to be out of ammo.

The throw sent pain rocking through my body, but I gave it my best shot. They always said I was a good throw. My high school PE teacher had wanted me to play softball, my dad didn't allow it. I watched the grenade fly across the courtyard for only a few seconds before it ignited. It burst open in the air like a firecracker and sprayed everyone in the area with chunks of broken metal and a rain of fire.

Aside from a few burns, Talbot and I were mostly unharmed. The group of men had been hiding in an alley and shielding themselves behind the building. But the grenade took out half the deck and I watched as the building crumbled and poured an avalanche of concrete and plaster down on top of them.

Talbot was still lying where I’d left him, now with a few extra burns on the exposed parts of his skin. I made back in his direction and within a minute I was with him. I could hear him yelling at me as I scooted toward him. I didn’t have my medi-pack anymore but I reached for the wound on his thigh. He shoved my hands away and continued shouting. I slapped him away. And then I stuck my fingers in the hole in his pants and ripped them open. I yelped from the pain it caused my shoulder, but I quickly bit my lip and examined the wound.

“I have to stop the bleeding,” I told him even though I couldn’t hear him. He was still yelling, wanting me to find cover. But I decided to use my damaged ear drum as my excuse for not following his orders. “Your femoral artery might be damaged. I’m going to have to check.” I looked up at his face. He was still looking at me with both disbelief, shock, and maybe also frustration and pain. “Bite something,” I told him.

And then I turned back to the wound and dug my fingers in. His screaming was louder than the ringing. I felt his body tense and he fought the urge to throw me away from him. I knew it wasn’t the safest environment to perform any kind of surgeries but I needed to be sure the vital artery wasn’t punctured. I would worry about infection later.

That was the worst part about those dream realities. It was exactly what I’d told Bucky just the night before. Sometimes they were dreams and sometimes they were memories. But they were worse than memories because they came at you unexpectedly. And instead of just the dull fuzzy way you remember a previous event, I was hyper aware of every sensation.

I could feel the heat from the sun in the sky, the sweat that dripped from my helmet and down my neck, the feel of warm blood beneath my hands, an artery slipping between my fingers. Gunshots ricocheted off of bricks, burns prickled at my skin, I could feel blood slide out of my ear, and worst of all I could still hear the sound of screams under that persistent ringing that just wouldn’t stop.

It was Bucky that saved me from the dream. The ringing was so loud I could barely hear at all. But through it all I heard my name, even though I couldn’t place the location. I could still hear Talbot’s screaming in my ear, that ringing, and the gunfire. And then in an instant the blinding sun was gone and I was in a darkened room. He was sitting on my bed hovering over me with his hands on my shoulders.

“Johanna,” he was saying. I blinked a few times before focusing on his concerned expression. Then I reached out and pressed my palm against his face, finally realizing that I was home.

“Bucky,” I replied.

“You were dreaming,” he told me.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” I wasn’t expecting that question.

“Because I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

He nodded slowly and licked his lips. He was hovering over me and I had fought with the blankets and sheets enough so that they spilled onto the floor and barely covered me. I could feel the warmth of his body against mine. It was the only warmth in the chill of my bedroom. His arms had me pinned to his body like a cage, though it was comforting.

“I understand that feeling,” he finally said. “But at least you didn’t try to kill me.”

I closed my eyes and took a moment to let the dream fade from my memory. Bucky stayed where he was, though he leaned his hand against the mattress. My heartbeat slowly began to return to a safe level and I opened my eyes again to find him still watching me.

When he had showed up in my kitchen that first night, he had been so dark and shady. He hid beneath a hood and baseball cap. Now he seemed so normal. Like a normal guy. Of course the arm threw off the look, but the rest of him was so average. And it was the expression, not everything else, that made him seem so calm. Like he could smile at any second. Like he wasn’t suffering.

Bucky waited patiently for me to collect my thoughts. I thought about what Clara had told me on the phone. What did I really expect to come of this? Bucky could never have a normal life. Everyone thought so. Even he did. He would always be on the run from someone. Whether it was HYDRA or the government. They would never forgive him, no matter who his friends were or what he did to prove his innocence.

So I traced my thumb over his cheekbone and let out a sigh.

“Bucky,” I said quietly as I ran my hand back down over his shoulder and onto my chest. “What do you think is going to happen? With us?” His eyebrows creased in question.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You said that… you don’t think you can have a normal life. Is that even something you want?”

“You won’t like my answer, and a normal life isn’t possible for people like us. Even if we wanted it.”

“Like us?”

“I don’t think you’re meant for this life either,” he said. “Not the way you’ve been living.” I couldn’t figure out what he meant by that. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard it. But what other choice did I have? I couldn’t go back to the army. I didn’t want to go work for Stark. There was no other option for me but boring normalcy.

I reached my hand out and grasped his metal wrist. I didn’t know if he could feel me since he seemed to pay no attention to my movement. But he was quick to notice things, so he had to have seen it.

“Why do you think that?” I asked him.

“Because I can see how unhappy you are. And you were meant to do good things. Like Steve.” My eyes widened in surprise.

“Like… a superhero?” His lips almost smiled.

“Maybe. If that’s the life you wanted. But you were meant to help people. Not file paperwork or serve food. You were meant for bigger things.”

“Then no matter what happens… this can’t last between us?” He looked up at my iron headboard for a moment. He was still hovering over me but neither of us seemed uncomfortable with the position.

Sometimes, even though Steve’s presence was comforting, I could tell that he didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t me he wanted to lie next to and I was always afraid to touch him, lest I overstep my boundaries. Aside from the nights where I had terrible dreams and he let me lie against him, he hardly ever touched me at all.

Bucky seemed comfortable in my bed. He seemed comfortable with our closeness to one another. And I knew he felt something for me since he had admitted it. But it was clear that I was the one he wanted to lie next to. And I really liked that, because as strange as it may seem, he was the one I wanted to lie next to me.

He finally looked back down at me and I could see the answer to my question before he even put it into words.

“No,” he said softly. “I don’t think it will last. HYDRA has already come after you once. They may not have tried to kill you but there’s a reason for that. It was a message and it meant they’re coming. There’s no way to hide from them.” I felt my grip on his arm tighten.

“I don’t want them to take you,” I admitted.

“I won’t go down without a fight.”

“What if they do get you, though? What if fighting isn’t enough?”

“I don’t know,” he said softly. “Then I guess I’ll just have to do what I can to hold onto the memories that I’ve gotten back. And the ones I’ve made here.”

“Do you think your memories are strong enough to fight it?” He took a moment to answer as he looked around the room.

“This one might be,” he finally decided. I moved my hand back up onto his shoulder where his skin met the metal.

“Steve was right about you,” I said with a laugh. His eyebrows rose but his lips hinted at that smile that was still just out of my reach.

“What did he say?”

“He said you were smooth with the ladies.” Then he laughed. It was short and quick and soft. But it was real. The kind of laugh you share with friends and people you love. It was exactly the kind of laugh that was meant for people lying in bed.

But what Clara said was still bouncing around my brain. I attributed her negative comment to her own pessimism, but Clara had never been known for being pessimistic. She didn’t believe in letting things come to her. Clara paved her own way and carved out her own destiny. Yeah, she kind of landed in the lap of Iron Man and that was a crazy happenstance. But she had worked her ass off for him for six months before that had happened. And to be honest I just felt like Tony needed someone like Clara in his life. She was someone who wouldn’t put up with his bullshit. She kept him in line. And she loved him anyway.

But Clara never got too comfortable with where she was. She never sat back and sighed a breath of relief and said, “We made it.” Because I had been wrong about her all along. Clara was in New York when the Chitauri attacked. Clara knew better than anyone that you can’t stand still for too long because life always had a way of shaking things up. Clara lived her life day by day. The only evidence that she thought about the future at all was her 401k.

My life had been completely average for over five years now. Aside from the constant struggle to regain control of my sense of self, nothing had shaken anything up. At least until the disaster with HYDRA. That had certainly shaken a few things. Bucky’s arrive had done the same. But everything had been too easy. I got out of the HYDRA disaster a lot easier than most of SHIELD. Bucky and I had fun. We didn’t do anything too crazy. He responded well and everything was going just fine. And it wasn’t that I was pessimistic and believed that it would end soon. It was just that… they were right. He wasn’t cut out for this life. Maybe I wasn’t either.

I couldn’t say that I would ever be like Steve or Romanoff. But I had been so miserable because I couldn’t be me. It was exactly what Sam said. Some people thrive in different environments. I wasn’t happy when my heart was pounding and I didn’t know what the next day would bring, but I was alive. This, whatever I was doing, it wasn’t living.

I wasn’t happy until I had a purpose. I knew this was just a passing train and even if I spent the rest of my life with him, this moment wouldn’t last. The peace was going to end eventually. And I would finally have to face the fact that I was going to lose my house and my life would change. I could go work for Tony or I could carve my own destiny and be the person I was meant to be.

So I decided to take a lesson from my sister. She said when she and Tony got together she never expected it to last more than one night. All she knew was that she had just gone through something horrific, and so had he and they wanted each other right at that moment, and that was all she cared about. She didn’t want to worry about the future. She didn’t even know if she would stay for breakfast the next morning. She just saw something she wanted and she took it.

Bucky was still caught in a half smile and my hand was still resting on his shoulder. So I moved my hand up onto his cheek and pulled his face down closer to mine. He pressed his lips against mine as if he had known I would do that all along.

“Stop with the smooth words,” I whispered against his lips.

“Why? It worked,” he replied.

“Shut up.” Then I kissed him harder.

His mouth was rough against mine, and just like you’d expect from someone who hadn’t kissed in a long time. But he was still careful and he was warming up to the idea quickly. The night before I had been so blinded by whatever I was feeling, that I hadn’t noticed how slow and cautious he was with me. He was trying to be gentle, despite what he said.

I didn’t want him to feel cautious. Of course I didn’t want him to hurt me either, and I knew he had a difficult time adjusting to his own strength. But I trusted that he wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted him to be the Bucky that Steve said the girls always chased after. I knew he couldn’t be as cool and confident as he had been, but I wanted to see him smile again. I wanted to see his flirtatious nature.

So I pulled him down and he stumbled onto me. I realized that it was his trouble with his arms and not me, but I apologized anyway.

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“It’s okay,” he said as he ripped the wrist brace off of his right arm and tossed it onto the floor. Then his metal hand gripped my shoulder and he leaned against the other one.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” I asked him as I moved a long strand of hair out of his face.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I won’t let you.”

I kissed him again, harder this time, and after a moment he seemed to be catching onto what I was really asking from him. Either his memories were coming back or it was just instinct. But his fingers twisted in my hair and I casually adjusted my legs to center him between them. That was when he seemed to realize that I intended for more than just a kiss.

But then he pulled away as if to speak but caught himself. He hesitated and I leaned against my elbows. He sat up and away from me. I sat up to face him and stood on my knees. I rested my hands on his shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. He kept his blue eyes on mine and they seemed so much more alive than they had when we first met.

“How do you know this is real?” he replied.

I moved my hands up to his face and sat down on his legs. His arms wrapped around my body, tightly, but not enough to hurt me. I ran my fingers over his cheeks, barely skimming his skin. Then I reached for his right hand and released it from his grip on me. I brought it around to my front and pressed it against my chest. I felt his fingers relax against me. Then I reached out and pressed one of my hands on his chest, feeling his heart beat beneath his ribs.

“Can you feel that?” I asked him quietly. He looked down and I felt him flex his metal fingers against my back.

“It’s beating fast,” he said. “Are you scared?” His eyes flashed to mine again and I gave a short laugh as I shook my head.

“No, I’m not scared,” I told him. “Yours is beating as fast as mine. Are YOU scared?” He stretched his fingers, grazing his thumb beneath the hem of my shirt and pressing his palm flatter against my chest. Then his eyes met mine again.

“No. I’m not scared.”

“That’s how you know it’s real then,” I whispered.

“But you said… before.” I shook my head again and cut him off.

“I’m just… worried about you. About what’s going to happen. And I have this habit of lying to myself. Someone told me that it’s how I feed my guilt.”

“Why would you feel guilty for this?” he asked. I looked back up at him and pressed my hand against his cheek. I could see it clearly on his face now. Everything that Steve had said. Even Sam. They were right. He did look at me differently. I knew I had seen it and I had forced myself not to notice. I had just hoped it would go away and never become a problem. But it didn’t go away, and now I didn’t want it to.

“Because… it’s like you said. Someday this is going to end. And I don’t want it to be because of me.”

He moved his hand up away from my heart and onto the crook of my neck. I closed my eyes because he was being so gentle. This man who had been made to kill and cause pain. I could see that man fading away. If he could be this gentle and this wonderful, then why couldn’t I? Because I was a liar. Even if it was just to myself.

“You’re the only reason I’m here,” he said. “It won’t be your fault. This is the closest to… real anything… that I can remember.” He moved his hand back down over my heart and focused his attention on that. I could still feel it beating. “So when it ends… I’ll do whatever I can to get it back. Even if I have to fight… forever.”

He looked back up at me and I reached forward and pressed my lips against his. It was the closest thing to love I had ever heard from another person. I had heard those words before, “I love you,” but they had never meant anything. Not to me and not to the speaker. I knew it was too soon to love Bucky because I hadn’t even known him for a full month, but it was as real as my heartbeat.

His hand wrapped around my waist again and pulled me against him. I could feel his heart beating against my chest and I hoped that he could feel mine.

“Do you promise?” I whispered against his lips.

“Yes,” he replied, and this time he kissed me.

Notes

So my excuse for not updating sooner today was because this was the fluffy snoo snoo chapter. I'm usually always really hesitant to update with these chapters because I don't know. They make me feel weird? Like... In the old days I used to be able to write the smuttiest of smutty chapters. But now I'm like "Oh my characters are doing the do. We're gonna skip that and move right along to the next chapter." And I have no idea WHY this happened. Because I love a good smut chapter. And I actually wanted to challenge myself with this story and make this chapter happen. But when it came down to it, I felt like it was better left the way it is here. There really doesn't need to be any detail involved. They're kind of going through a lot of stuff, and in my universe Bucky has not had sex in 70 years. So I didn't want to elaborate on some shit. Just know that it was gosh diddly darn awesome.

Also, for those of you who do not know, Colonel Talbot of US Special Forces is a real Marvel character. He is from The Hulk actually. I don't know if he's in the movie because I have not seen the most recent one with Edward Norton? HOWEVER! He was neither a hero or a villain. He was in love with Betty and hated Bruce because of her love for him.

So random Marvel lesson for you there.