The silver's tears
In My Time Of Dying
When they returned back to the room everyone stopped talking and stared at them, they noticed Loki’s red face and swelling eyes like he was crying , Natasha gave them a look of don't say a word about it.
They kept staring at him don't have an idea of what to say to him it seemed to them that any word they say might cause another problem , Loki didn't like being watched by everyone in the room like he was some kind of show they freak him out being with too many people is already a problem being with too many people staring at him is definitely a nightmare, he moved more closer to Natasha like he was hiding from their eyes
Natasha felt his fear she holds his hand tightly and whispered to him that everything is ok and no need to be worried
"I don't like to be watched" Loki muttered
"What?" Tony said loudly and Steve poked him to shut up
"uhm…sorry loki we were just worried" Steve said
"how are you now?" Banner asked him
"Fine" Loki said coldly heading to his room
"Where are you going?" Natasha asked him
"To my room, I want to have some time alone"
"Not gonna happen , you have a lot of time alone "
"We had a lot of talking already can't I've some rest"
"Fine but in one condition"
"You will join us in dinner without any excuses"
After loki had left they surrounded Natasha asking her dozens of questions
"Hold on " she shouted at them " How I suppose to answer all of that in the same time"
"Answer me first" Tony yelled at her
"Actually I didn't ask him" she grinned at him
"So what the hell you were talking about?"
"Nothing in particular, just talking"
"And what did you come out from it?" Clint asked her
"He is still the same doesn't trust us even thor"
"After all what we did to him ?" Banner said in disbelief
"He thinks it is just a game that we play on him"
"What?" Banner yelled
"You must excuse him after all what he had to go through all the lies …he can't trust anyone again…if you really want to help him you should try earning his trust and yes watch your language please , he had to listen to insults and horrible words for a long time and I don't think he is eager to hear any of it again" Natasha said firmly
The bond that they once were proud of its existence faded became weaker anger replaced everything they once had and silence became the unspoken agreement among them, everyone tried to fix between them again but in vain Thor doesn’t respond to their calls .Things were more difficult with loki as he knew that he was the cause of this fight, he hated himself more it only caused him to be more depressed and secretive he gradually changed to be more like a ghost that only can been seen when everyone is sleep, he didn't want to face any one of them under any circumstances he stayed in his room deciding not to get out of it , but what he really doesn't wanna confess that he feels alone again hurt again, what Natasha told him what she promised him of…she didn't keep it he now realizes what was it, it is just some words people say to condole others…some words they say just to make them feel better and satisfied about themselves, another lies added to the list, but this wasn’t the truth...she came to him everyday talking with him about everything thing, how silly clint and Tony were today or how Steve ran after them when they drew on his shield some funny pictures, though he didn’t let her in even once, she continued....siting on the floor telling him how much they all miss him wanting him back.
Clint came too yelling at him daring him to come so he can beat him in their delayed game, Tony always came late at night whining about some problems with his suits , sometimes about how annoying Steve was but sometimes he cries especially when he drank a lot telling him to come out calling him names to make him angry.
Steve would leave him his favourite food all the time though Loki never took it but he always did, one time he found the courage to tell him about Bucky..
“Remember, when I called you Bucky, I think it’s time to know him” Steve said laughing nervously expecting no respond from him
“Bucky was my best friend...my only friend he was there always for me even before I became Captain America he is the reason of the man I’m right now, though in your condition before, you should remind me of myself but every time I look at you I see him, both of you brave, strong ready to fight to the end for the people you care for, both of you fall to their certain death, yes...I had to see him fell off the train and I couldn’t save him that make me another Thor huh?...but both of you strong enough to come back to fight the dark holding you, to resist what is trying to control you , say no this is enough...you know because like I know Bucky I know you, you both are fighters with ego to not let anyone plays with your lives...and I will tell you what I’m going to tell him...I’m with you till the end of the line buddy”
Their visits didn’t stop but they started to lose hope fearing that he might has lost the willing to come back to fight this, drowning himself with lies and elusions not wanting to believe any of this or admit that they are all here caring for him wanting their Loki to come back.
Why he doesn't want to admit it cause it doesn't matter the only one matters left him alone again he misses him so much so why he didn't show him this, why he always has to be secretive about the good feeling? He can easily tell him that he hates him and hurts him but can't say that he needs him the most!
One night he thought he heard a noise outside his room, someone is trying to get in he thought, none of them would do this...they know this would only make him angry so who was there!!
He heard a small whimper, whoever was that he was trying to keep quiet and not to cry...Thor
Loki stood leaning to the door listening to his heavy breath
“I...won’t leave you...you know this right?” his voice was broken with pain and longing for his brother
“I promise you” Thor muttered
Loki fought an urge to cry.... To open the door going to his brother but he felt weak he felt cold...and Thor was gone
"You really think he loves you? Misses you? "
"You again, what do you want?" loki said quietly
"Loki why don't you believe that I'm your only friend here you remember what I did for you right?"
"You make me the person I never wanted to be…you made a monster of me" Loki shouted
"No, I only showed you the truth, and the truth always hurt you know this better than me…I stood with you, when I found you … you were lost and I helped you remember?"
"Helped me? You manipulated me , tortured me so how exactly you helped me?"
"by making you the person you are now...strong, powerful , no one to tell you what to do or to know your place, I made you respected"
"respected? They fear me, see me like a monster the insane who almost destroyed their city, you make me a murderer" Loki’s voice was full of angst yet shaking a little
"you asked for power, you asked to be equal …but now power isn't gained without paying the price , it was your choice"
"lies …lies...all I hear from any one is lies…I never chose to be like this, to even can't recognize myself anymore , you ruined my life you made me hate myself …you know what I choose now? to die " Loki cried covering his face
"I wanna to die…poo hoo little princess, did I hurt your feeling …
"No…not really, you didn't" Loki said quietly
"What…what do you mean?"
"Did you really fell for it? You really thought I can so pathetic like this, you disappointed me or maybe I thought of you much than you really are" loki smirked
"Oh stop your silly riddles boy" the voice shouted at him
"Hey, keep it low no one rise his voice on me understand…now to make things simple so your tiny brain can understand it, this…all of it was just a game, see I was bored and playing the role of the weak pathetic one was so fun"
"what you don't believe me?!..see when people think of you as the weak one the hopeless one they tend to be less cautious about their secrets "
"You know nothing runt"
"I know that you are not more than a filthy slave…Just a voice can’t hurt me ... so who is the runt now?"
"How did you know?" another voice asked
"another one…no problem still I'll answer you, You cowards always have this bad urge t say big wards and do nothing, and this one talks a lot he never did anything to me at all jut a pathetic coward “
“Clever boy, that’s why I’m here now , he was just saying what I told him to say, I’m the one who was there all the time ...I told you I don’t leave my friends” he hissed
Loki started to feel weak, he can’t move he was so powerful than him , he felt it was the end ...his end
It has been three days since their fight yet he still angry not with loki but with himself , he knew loki is not the one he once knew that he changed but he kept pushing him trying to recall the brother who he now knows that he is gone forever, Jane told him to go back his staying would make things worse his mind already not with her she told him to come back when he fixes what he did , he left her with a promise that will never be broken
"How I end up with such a woman, like a one from a legend or old story"
The night has fallen when he arrived at the tower, nothing changed like he never left after all he was only gone for just three days
"well, look who is where, you missed us already"
" stark…why it always should be you the first one I meet"
"obviously because I'm awesome" tony smirked
"No, because of my really bad luck"
"Hey" tony wined
"Thor, thank god you are back" banner said happily
"we were worried that you won't come back" Steve said
"and leave loki? Are you mad? I thought if I go away for a while I would think things out"
"I was wrong, it make things worse than it was before"
"what matters now that you are here, things have been difficult for all of us" banner said tiredly
"Did something happened? Is loki okay?"
"We don't know…he never leaves his room" Steve answered worried
"Didn't you even tried to talk to him ?" thor was agitated
"We tried" banner shouted breathing heavily
"Hey doc you need to take it easy and calm down" Tony said quickly moving back
"I'm sorry, we…we tried thor all long these three days we tried but he never let us in" banner said in more quiet but shaky voice
"Well you should have called me"
"Now we are the one to be blamed ?!" Clint scoffed
"No, that is not what I meant"
"Oh yeah, and what exactly did you mean?"
"That if anything went wrong you should have called the one who is related with it not letting him to be the last one to know" Thor parked at him
"As I remember you are the one who left, so blame only yourself big guy"
"I left to avoid making things worse"
"As if your presence now won't make it that way" Clint smirked
"Shut it, both of you now" Steve shouted "You act like two spoiled boy, don't you what is leading all of us to, an endless fighting about whom to blame, we were all wrong, loki is not a child he is grown man for god sake surely spending couple of days by himself don't mean the end of the world"
"You kidding right, this is loki we are talking about here, the last time he went nuts it was literally the end of the world" Tony shouted
"it is not loki that make us worry it what or who is controlling him" Natasha said moving around them
"right, Jarvis is loki awake?" Thor asked though he knew he was
"yes sir, but he is not in his room"
"Where did he go then?" Thor asked impatiently
"on the roof"
"What is the hell is he doing there?" thor shouted heading to him worried , but suddenly he stopped like he was frozen in his place, why every time he is so close to loki he become angry and only wants to shout at him, does he hate him? No he will never hate his own brother so what is wrong with him, what is the secret behind all this hatred
"Hey thor, are you alright? You just paused" banner said shaking him gently
"I can't go to him"
"I just can't"
"go, run like you always did…what is wrong with you? What is making you leave your brother like this every time?" Clint shouted pushing him
"I can’t, I tried ...I went to his room first but couldn’t find the courage to face him, I’m tired of feeling like this all the time afraid of losing him, or fighting with him again, it’s not just only me Loki too I’m sure he feels the same, something has changed”
"You need to give yourself a break, apparently your visit to Jane didn't do you a lot, the problem isn't with loki, the problem is you, you need to understand yourself before trying to understand him" Banner said to him walking him away till they reach the main hall
"Loki won't go anywhere and we need to talk, sit down " banner ordered him
"There is nothing to talk about" thor said desperately
"There is a lot to talk about" tony said handing him a drink
Thor drank it at once then took a deep breath they were all staring at him waiting him to start talking as if he doesn't have enough pressure already
"So, talk what is your problem" Tony asked impatiently
"Shut up tony, we don't need your outstanding character right now" Clint smirked
"not either you Clint, so why you go do something useful" Natasha said pulling both of them out
"now we can talk" banner said
"I thought if I go away for a while this feeling will be gone, but I was wrong, just being here few steps away from him or even thinking of him it brings all over again"
"I don't know thor maybe it because deep inside you want the old loki back and you can't accept that he is gone so every time you saw him your mind reacts this way convincing you that he isn't your brother that this man is your enemy and you need to fight him to get your brother back"
"but I already got my brother back" thor cried
"yes but not like you always remembered him you said it by yourself" Steve explained
"I don't care if he changed or not all I care about is that he is here"
"you just say this, don't deny that you miss when he was the young prince your little brother who always listened to you followed you to everywhere, not the one who is always shouting at you rejecting you"
"it is just, I miss him the old him the one I used to talk with him for hours the one who knows everything about me knows all my secrets, everyone is telling to stay strong for loki to keep fighting never lose your nerve, but I can't not any more , you know…for weeks I kept telling myself to carry on to stay strong, kept telling myself that he will come back to me, kept telling myself that one day all of this will be just a bad memory we manage to forget, a bad dream that will be gone when he remembers me"
"you can't lose hope… not now"
"it is gone all of it…like a long cold night that won't come to an end and the dawn looks a far away dream"
"even in a long night a little star can be your guide when the darkness fall it will shine down upon you" Steve said moving close to him and whispers "believe and you will find your way"
"but it is a long lonely way" thor cried
"long maybe but lonely never, how can you be lonely when you have us" Natasha asked him
"I know that but he doesn't this stubborn idiot won't let you help him, that is why I lost hope cause I know him well " thor shouted covering his face
"Are you finished"
"What do you want tony" Natasha shouted
"some serious shit happened, if you finished your opera show I can use some help" Tony smirked
"What happened ?" Thor asked reaching his hammer
"Jarvis has been recording some strange reading a form of life, not stable come and go but this time it's strong, we are not alone guys"
"Think I know where to find its source" Thor said "I think it's time to pay my brother a visit, follow me"
"loki, why I'm not surprised" Clint scoffed checking for his gun
"you will stay here …all of you" thor said quietly and knocked on the door
"seriously! You will knock"
"shut up tony for once in your life just keep your comments for yourself would you" thor hissed at him
"Fine" tony whined
"loki open the door we need to talk"
This voice, thor he is here, he came back…for me
"you were wrong he didn't leave me" Loki cried in joy
"shush listen" thor said trying to overhear whatever is happening inside
"after all this time and you still don't get it, I'll never help you" Loki shouted enraged
"loki, who are you talking to?" thor yelled knocking on the door more and more
"you know you gave me the only thing I need, after your pawn was gone, I was free for few hours yeah, but it was a long time for me…no one controlling me or poisoning my thoughts"
"Dead, oh yes I know, but don't care really what can happen worse another elusion? Another lie? Or another death? I died already"
"let me in please loki, or I will get in by my way"
They could hear the ticking of the door lock, the door was opened but no one came out, thor rushed inside looking for loki, when he found him sitting on the floor against the wall
"I'm tired thor" his voice was weak
Thor ran towards him reaching his hand to hold him
"I'm here now, tell me what is wrong?"
"You really here? you came back for me"
"of course, did you doubt that?"
"no, I…" loki gasped in pain it was like he can't take his breath and start coughing badly
"Banner" thor shouted terrified