Monster

The window in my room was too bright for me to sleep through. Clara said I needed as much sleep as I could get, but I was used to having trees block out my window. I missed the shade and my lumpy mattress. There were no trees that could reach me on this floor, and all I could see out my window was a clear blue sky and the city. I couldn’t sleep.

At least Clara had taken the hint and stopped talking to me. I was still groggy from surgery and I didn’t want to talk at all, let alone about Bucky. Though we still differed in opinion, Clara was still doing everything she could to not say, “I told you so,” and rub it in my face. I could still hear it in every word that she spoke to me.

She told me that taking Steve’s mission was dangerous. She told me that getting involved with Bucky was dangerous and I should have just stood back like I was told. I should have just made him go to Steve and stayed out of his business. I still believed that I had done something right. Even if it hadn’t lasted very long. I just hoped that he fought for his memories like he promised me he would.

The agent that we had managed to capture couldn’t tell us anything. Tony hadn’t been able to catch up to the SUV before he lost it, or at least that’s what he told me. They had interrogated the agent but it did nothing since he just broke open a poison capsule and killed himself before we could get a word out.

Steve promised to keep looking for Bucky, but every minute that passed felt grimmer than the one before. I knew all hope was lost when I heard a tap on the open door and I heard his voice.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“Sure, of course,” Clara replied as she stood to greet him. I hated that she was so nice to Steve and yet so cold to Bucky. Steve had been the one who got me into this situation. Not Bucky. And yet she acted like Steve was a saint.

I kept my eyes on the window because I didn’t want to talk to him unless he had good news. But I could already tell the news was bad just by the stance of his shoulders from the corner of my eye.

“She’s not really up for company,” Clara told him. “But I’m sure it’s important. I should warn you that she’s still a little loopy from surgery. She uh… has no verbal filter.” I heard another voice then, but it came in the form of a soft laugh. It was Sam.

I saw Steve appear around the side of my bed and he took a seat on the chair under the window so that I couldn’t ignore him if I tried. He gave me a half smile and I watched without emotion.

“How are you doing?” he asked as he sat a laptop across his lap.

“I’ve been better,” I replied.

“I have some news for you.”

“I don’t want to hear it unless it’s good.” He sighed heavily.

“You told me to keep you updated. And I’ve been working with Stark to find Bucky.”

“I know.”

“We decided it would probably be best if you went to Malibu with them… for the time being.” I tried to sit up and winced from the pain. The bullet had shattered my bone so my entire right arm was completely useless.

“I can’t go to Malibu. I have to find Bucky. No offense, Steve, but I’m the only one who’s going to be able to get through to him when we find him.”

“No offense, Jo,” Sam said as he leaned against the foot of my bed. “But you’re not going to be able to do anything. Not while Barnes is with HYDRA and they’ve got you on their list.”

“I can still stay here. I can help.”

“You can’t even move your arm. There’s nothing you’re going to be able to do here,” Clara said from my other side. “There’s no safer place for you than to be with us.”

“What happens when you find him and I’m not here to help you?” I asked Steve. I kept my eyes on him and I felt my voice crack with emotion. “You’re going to try and get through to him on your own?”

“Barnes isn’t coming back, Jo,” Sam told me. “No matter what you think you can do.”

“You don’t know that! You said so yourself after they took him! HYDRA’s higher ups have been taken down. The guys who got into my house and took Bucky were amateurs. They’re HYDRA cockroaches. They have no idea what they’re doing! And their facilities have been destroyed!”

“Most of them,” Steve said. “Some of them were just abandoned. After Bucky went missing again, we uh… we got a hold of some security footage from what we thought was an abandoned facility.” I cut my eyes to him again and then down at the laptop.

“How?” I asked. He cleared his throat and looked back at me.

“They emailed it to us. Me and you. I went on your computer after I got mine. I’m sorry. I just wanted to see if they’d sent you one too. And they did.”

“Please don’t?” I begged.

He didn’t listen. He stood up and sat the laptop down on my lap. He opened the lid and it instantly came to life on a video screen. He pressed the play button and I pinched my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see it but I opened them and watched despite my better judgment.

The video started in what appeared to be a lab. It was in black and white and the screen and sound was fuzzy. But I could make out Bucky’s form and his movements as he thrashed around the room, knocking things over and throwing punches at the agents around him. They were trying to subdue him but he was chaotic and violent.

“I don’t want to watch this,” I told Steve.

“You have to,” he replied softly.

“Where is she?” Bucky growled. I wanted to pinch my eyes shut again, but even if I did I would never forget that sound. I had never heard his voice so full of rage and anger. It was a deep throaty growl and it was worse than seeing him thrash around the room.

“She’s dead! She’s dead!” an agent was shouting as they tried to calm him. They threatened to hit him with tranquilizers but no one made any moves to inject him again. “She’s gone!” the man shouted to get his attention. Bucky stumbled back toward the chair in the center of the room.

“He said I didn’t have to kill her. I just had to shoot her. I did what I was told. I shot her. I did what you wanted.”

“I know. I know.”

“You killed her,” he said so low I almost couldn’t hear it. He stood back up and his shoulders tightened as he prepared to use his metal arm.

“I didn’t kill her. I didn’t have anything to do with it,” the man said as he lifted his hands in a show of surrender. “It was Erikson. He gave the order and he saw it through. He did what he had to. To protect you. To protect all of us.”

“She’s gone.”

“Yes.”

“How do you know for sure?”

“I got the report back from Erikson after we left. She was shot point blank in the head. No vitals.”

He turned away and I could see him breathing as the other agents tried to reassemble the mess he had made in the room. He stood there for a long moment as the agent waved directions at other people behind his back. Then after his pause, Bucky reached for something off the screen and sat down in the chair.

“Just do it,” he said harshly.

He stuck a mouth piece into his mouth. The agent jumped forward to strap him in before he could change his mind. Then he pulled a piece of machinery over Bucky’s head, locking him into place. I could see a rise in his breathing as he anticipated what was about to come. He told me once that it hurt. He remembered it every time. He gripped his fingers and prepared himself, so I reached out and shut the screen before I had to see it.

“Why did you show me this?” I asked through the heaviness in my chest.

“HYDRA wanted you to see it,” Steve said. I pinched my mouth shut and looked at the wall. My eyes were hot with unshed tears and I was angry at him for forcing me to see Bucky like that.

“He shot me in the shoulder because he was trying to buy me time,” I told him.

“I know.”

“And they told him I was dead… So that he would be more compliant. He allowed them to torture him. Because of me.”

“Because he thought he had nothing to go back to.”

I breathed heavily through the tightness in my chest. I felt the tears spill out despite how much I tried to hold them back. I didn’t want Captain America to see me cry. I didn’t want him to mistake it for weakness. I felt my sister pat my leg but I pulled away from her. I reached up and wiped a tear away before it could drip down my swollen face.

“Was there any way to trace the video?” I finally asked. Steve nodded.

“Yeah, Tony was able to locate the facility fairly quickly. But they had already left it. It’s been sealed off now.”

“What about their cryogenic equipment? They wouldn’t have been able to get that out on short notice.” I saw Steve nod.

“They weren’t able to take it, no. But we have no way of knowing if they have other resources. Chances are that they probably do. But we don’t know where those facilities are being kept or if they even have access to them.”

“So do you think he’s still out there?”

“Yes, and I’m going to do whatever I can to find him regardless. But even if they can’t put him on ice… they can still do things to his head.”

“He told me that he would start to remember things every time he was out of cryo for too long. He said it’s what happened with you. His mind was already slipping when you got to him. You just accelerated it. So did I.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for.”

“Why did you show me the video, Steve?” I focused on him again and he gave me a sympathetic expression. I couldn’t hide the tears if I wanted to. But he didn’t look like he thought I was week. He seemed more understanding. I should have known all along that he would be understanding.

“Because I want you to go to Malibu with your sister and Stark. Let me work on finding Bucky. Let me do the dirty work this time. I can take care of your house if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I don’t care about my stupid house,” I said. “Just the goddamn raccoon.” I sniffed. “Do you think he won’t remember me?”

“No. He won’t. And I can’t risk him killing you before he remembers. There would be no hope for him after that.”

“How long am I supposed to stay in Malibu? Until I can use my arm again? Until I’m… mentally stable?”

“As long as necessary,” Steve said.

“I can do this,” I told him. “I am strong enough. Despite what everyone thinks about me.”

“It’s not about strength, Jo. And if it was, Bucky is still stronger than you. And right now you and I are number one on HYDRA’s kill list. I’m not sending you away because I think you’re not strong. I’m sending you away because Bucky is stronger and I’m the only person who can match him. He wouldn’t think twice about killing you. And I want to put you far enough away from him to make him think twice.”

“You’re sending me away because I’m too… human?” My words seemed to bother him. He dropped his head as if I had insulted him. I didn’t take it back, even though I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. But he nodded anyway.

“Yes,” he said slowly. “Because you’re too human. And as much as I… don’t get along with Stark, I think he can keep you safe. I promise you that I’ll do whatever I can to get Bucky back. But I can’t risk him going to you first. Not again. Not if he views you as a threat from the start.”

“I’ve already said it once and I’ll say it again,” I said as I looked back up at him. “It doesn’t matter where you send me. He’ll find me.” He nodded slowly and stood to his feet. He collected his laptop and then turned to leave.

“I’m sorry, Jo,” he said as he patted my foot. He gave Clara a nod and then left the room. She followed after him. Sam stayed where he was at the end of my bed. I didn’t want to look at him. When Clara and Steve were gone he approached me and I finally looked up.

“I have something for you. It’s not the same but… I figure you can add some extra decorations to it,” he said as he pulled something out of his front pocket. He sat it down on my lap and I looked down at the pink switchblade. It didn’t have the bedazzled jewels on it, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I reached out with my left hand and picked it up. “Remember what we talked about,” he said quietly. Clara was saying goodbye to Steve in the hallway. I could hear their voices. “You don’t have to carry a gun to be a hero. And whatever it is you decide to do… all you have to do is call.” I wrapped my fingers around the knife and looked back up.

“You said I couldn’t get him back,” I reminded him. He shook his head.

“No. I meant that you can’t get him back from this life. Running. Fighting. That will always be part of him. Just like it’s always going to be part of Steve. You can’t save him from that. You can’t lock him up in a warm house and make him get a haircut and expect him to worry about nothing but mortgage payments and lawn care. That’s never going to happen. But if anyone is going to get through to him, it’s you. You just have to find a way to make it work. Because that life isn’t meant for you either.”

“What do you suggest I do?”

“Like I said, find your Project Falcon. Even if it’s in Malibu. Even if it’s something you thought you were running away from.” I nodded slowly.

“Thank you, Sam.”

“You’re welcome. And I’ll be waiting for that phone call. I heard the name they used to call you in the army.” He gave me a knowing smile and patted my foot like Steve had. Then he left to meet him in the hall.

Notes

Oh god! Every time I update all I can think is "They're going to hate me."

However! I decided on something. The next chapter is technically the last chapter. And the sequel is nowhere near being ready yet. So I'm going to do an epilogue chapter so you guys can get a feel for the sequel before I start putting it up. Yes? No? Maybe? Whatever?